8/20/2008

Living Well: Run Like Crazy and Escape the CCBC!


Mary Wineberg (2008 Olympic 400 meter star!) and husband CLICK on pic to enlarge it. Aren't they ADORABLE? She seems so well loved! And he doesn't seem to be complaining. Look at him. LOL! (Also, read more about them in my sidebar.)

Mary Wineberg SITE
Many black women continue to say in your comments and your private notes to me that men don't appreciate the beauty and desirability (as wives) of browner or darker black women--and increasingly these days, even many light skinned bw are shunned as wives by black men. You also continue to send me more and more evidence that bw are getting denigrated to the max.

What you're really saying is that MANY BLACK MALES don't appreciate the beauty and desirability of black women as wives and that many black men are denigrating black women to the max. After two years of blogging, this continues to be the same old drum beat in your comments, y'all BECAUSE you're still not accepting the fact that many black men are damaged beyond repair.

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Until you learned this lesson, you will keep seeing it and it will keep hitting you in the face in various ways. Once you learn that lesson, then nothing any black man does that is anti-black woman will confuse or surprise you. Now here's the shocker: Some of you have begun to believe that white men ARE black men. LOL!! You're projecting the thoughts of DBRbm onto typical white men. You think that since so many bm don't love our non-white beauty, that white men who like black women must not appreciate our array of chocolate to butterscotch hues either. LOL! Now last time I checked, I didn't see any evidence that white men were taking their marching orders from DBRbm.

So, let's NOT get this twisted. Obviously, many white men and other non-bm DO appreciate the beauty of black women and desire bw for loving relationships and as wives these days. Here's an interesting piece someone sent me. THANKS much for this piece. It underscores my point


"Shocked by British men's choice..what is WRONG WITH MEN IN EUROPE?"

I'm a college student here in the U.S and this summer I did the "studying abroad" like most universities have. There were about 45 students this summer from the business school in my University.

I'm 23 years and I consider myself a good looking girl because I take care of myself. I do not look down on others or races. I'm obvious white, 115 pounds, 5"5" tall, 36 bust. In college i have a lot of guys going after me and my friends.

STUDY ABROAD SUMMER:

This summer the study abroad was in london. We were so excited about being in london and meeting good looking british guys. To our surprise, we found that european men preferred to go after black women. This was shocking and such an eye opener to me and my white girl friends.

We went to pubs, clubs, restaurants. lounges and some other fancy places. It was the same. They bought drinks for them. Thats not to say that white men did not hit on white girls just that seemed to be on equal grounds. Which is good but surprising because this does not usually happen in america.

OUR GROUP:

our group of girls had 3 white girls and 2 African American girls. I'm not racist. Even in school this is our usual circle of friends. We travelled together in Europe and every where else.

WHAT HAPPENED:

Every time we went out, the british white guys would mostly be after the African American girls. My African American girls are also pretty. It's just that it shocked us the white American girls. We thought, we would be the first pick. I guess we are used to the white American guys not appraoching black girls, I thought it would be the same there.

LEARNING EXPERIENCE:

I found that in europe a white girl is not the most wanted girl. I learned tthat white and black girls have equal chances when it comes to men there. We found that there are many white men and black women couples in the U.K as there are black men and white women couples. Unlike in the U.S where there much more blcak men and white women couples compared to white men and black women couples

By the time we went out for the 4th times, we the white girls knew it was fair game for the men for both black and white girls.

I WAS HURT NOT because I'm white but because there were some guy there that i would have liked to have spent some time with but instead they chose to get to know an African America girl. I would have felt the same way had they chosen an other white girl over me

CONCLUSION:

Not all but from what we experienced we learned that european men view women of all races in the same way or view black women in better light than white american men. This happened when we went to France, Ireland, Scotland, Switerland, Italy and Germany.

Bare in mind that there are a lot black british people in the U.K. I have lived with black people for as long as we have.

I had a good time though. I learned a lot about other people and culture.

MY QUESTION:

Why is it different here. In america, i'm a 100% certain that if I were to walk in a place with only white men and I walked in with some African American girls that a white man would appraoch a black woman at least not in public or in front of a white girl.

What makes a white american man different from a white european man? "


SOURCE for this piece.
_________________________

On a side note, doesn't the disdainful attitude of many black men these days towards black women in the U.S. remind y'all of how relations used to be between white men and black women on the ole plantation--where black women were sex objects but not wife material? This same pattern is the dominant pattern between AA men and women these days. It's MANY AA men these days who regard black women as sex objects who are not fit for marriage or not beautiful (translation: not light enough) to be worthy of respectable attention and loving relationships. It's mainly many AA men these days who seek sex ONLY from AA women unless they're whiter-skinned or "mixed" in appearance.

I know this is an uncomfortable reality for some people, but AA women really have to face this squarely. Magical thinking is not in harmony with Living Well. Magical thinking will kill you and is killing lots of black women, stunting the lives of black children, and/or is causing the women to abort hundreds of thousands of black fetuses every year.

How stupid is it for so many black women to continue seeing a typical black man as a potentially loving partner when that black man is seeing the typical black woman as merely a semen receptacle?!! Many black women are not able to conceive that lots of black males see them this way because the indoctrination program that MANY black girls and black women undergo has convinced them to perceive the typical black male as "normal." Even some caring black men these days are telling black women to catch a clue and "wise up!!" These black men KNOW how other black men think and operate.

The fact is that many AA women are indeed wife material, and always have been, however many black men who have always coveted whiter-skinned women are now able to acquire the coveted object. This preference for white-skinned women really has very little to do with black women or even with whiter women. The whiter woman, in many cases, is simply a coveted object.

A white man offline asked me recently, "Why do so many black men date and marry white women these days?" LOL! Even some white men are amazed at this headlong rush of so many black men for white women. I don't believe this wm had any racist feelings about this phenomenon since he is married to a black woman himself and lives in a multi-racial family. I think he voiced what many people are thinking. This is quite shocking to them.

I think many black women need to repeat the following to themselves about this situation in order to clear up any confusion regarding this matter. Say: "I am not responsible for who or what any man covets. It has nothing to do with me."

This is important because MANY black men continue to blame their coveting whiter women on black women. They use black women as a cover. It's obvious that these men do NOT want people to know that they are merely coveting and collecting whiter skin.

From all indications, this 'blaming of black women,' all started with basketball player, Wilt Chamberlain, with his claim that he could only date white women because black women weren't "sophisticated enough." He cited as an example that black women didn't know which fork to use at dinner in restaurants. LOL! So po' Wilt just didn't have a choice.


Prior to this point, black men who dated and married white women didn't try to whip or blame black women for this choice. This blame has morphed and morphed and morphed to the point where the rapper, Yung Berg recently threw away all remnants of the cover and didn't try to spray it with anything. He just made it plain when he declared that he does not "do dark butts," because he doesn't like dark women. At least he didn't try to blame black women or darker women for his dislike; he just said he rejects darker or browner women as dates or mates. Period. Just think that if Wilt Chamberlain had just "manned up" and been able to just declare his love for white women without talking about forks at the restaurant, he would have lain the foundation for all of the Yung Bergs since that time to just be honest. And there are a LOT of Wilts and Yung Bergs or wannabe Yung Bergs out there among AA men. Sistas, BEWARE!! Don't let them sex you up and then later claim, they don't 'do' darker women. LOL!

In 2008, many non-bm are increasingly interested in dating and loving black women as life partners--as social taboos against interracial dating and marriage have relaxed. We are now in a phase where many non-bm are seeking ways to learn more about black women aside from what's in the media and many of them are, at this moment, wondering whether that cute black girl/woman in their class or at work who was wearing the yellow top is interested in dating a non-bm. There seems to be a mystique about what white men want from black women. LOL!

Black women need to realize that white men who like black women like to look at attractive women of all skin shades because males are males. Beyond all of the -isms, males in any society are still wired to be males. Men are attracted primarily to attractive (from their perspective), friendly, "win"nable women. Many wm STILL do not believe that black women are "win"able. For starters, they believe that black women will refuse to date them. I've received many notes from white men who tell me this. I see no reason to believe they are lying. Also, in my offline life, I've known of many instances where black women have refused to go out with white men due to various types of FEAR. Aside from similar social factors, primarily, many white men are afraid they will be rejected if they ask a black woman out. This is why Steven in the blog below says that black women might need to non-brashly/indirectly/subtly show that they are interested in dating a white guy. I agree that this is problematic and confusing for many black women, but as I believe and always say: black women will find a way.

To white men and black women: This doesn't mean that every black woman or white/nonblack man you express interest in will be interested in dating you. Some people are already committed to others; some have just gotten out a relationship, some are overwhelmed by other interests at the moment, etc.

The biggest struggle many AA women are still having is that MANY of them continue to view themselves through the eyes of the CCBC (central committee of the black community) and when it comes to black female beauty, dbr-AA men are the ONLY voices on the committee that count. These men out-shout everyone else. They have the greatest influence on thought about bw's worth in the bc. They are the thought-leaders regarding bw.

Now y'all can write this down: In order to cover up and divert attention away from their coveting of white-skinned women, many of these men are going to CONTINUE to denigrate, debase, defile, and devalue black women, so any black woman who receives and accepts the view of her beauty, desirability, or worth from the bm on the ccbc is doomed. Not only will those women be doomed; their daughters and many of the black women who they can influence will be doomed.

It is startlingly clear to me that any black woman who is determined to survive, thrive, and live well these days and have her children do the same--MUST escape the physical reach and/or mental influence of the CCBC. The black community of yesteryear does NOT exist any longer. If you think it still exists, you are inside of a delusion.

It's virtually impossible to 'Live Well' if you live too long around or inside the mental confines of the black "community." Life inside a typical black "community" has reached the point of vanishing returns for MOST black women who live MENTALLY in or even near these black enclaves or neighborhoods. Fortunately, I haven't had to live inside one of these hell holes, either mentally or physically, but I have associated with many black women who do, and it's a sordid, sorry life many sistas experience there. But here's the kicker: many of these black women **think** they live a "normal" life. They say things like: "Girl, it's bad everywhere, so there's no point in even trying to move." Or regarding the numerous DBR men who surround them, they'll say: "Men are the same everywhere. At least I know what I'm getting here." LOL!

All of these places have this in common: they eat on black women to survive. If you're a black woman who lives in one of these places, that little bad feeling or that depression that you just can't seem to shake is because somebody just took a bite out of you and is draining your lifeblood. Trust. They will slowly but surely devour you. Your children will be the next to go or they're being eaten already. You just won't find out until later.

You do have a choice. You must first decide to escape the CCBC in order to Live Well. You then must learn to be immune to or be prepared to devour anyone from the CCBC who tries to stop you.

228 comments:

1 – 200 of 228   Newer›   Newest»
felicia said...

Sistas,

If you don't start SELF defining YOU ARE DOOMED. You (and your self-esteem) will be CONSTANTLY at the whim of STRANGERS. STRANGERS I tell you.

Whether it's the racist anti-black woman black and white media, the completely nebulous "black community" or damaged family members and so-called "friends", they should ALL be STRANGERS to you psychologically speaking.

STAY AWAY FROM THE POISON.

AVERT YOUR EYES AWAY FROM THE ATTEMPTED BRAINWASHING.

CLOSE YOURE EARS TO IT.

Don't subscribe to it and don't allow it into your home, heart, or mind.

Don't support it with your HARD EARNED money.

You have to create a special SACRED place deep within you. A place where NO one and NOTHING can touch your self-esteem. Your sense of self-worth.

This can be done.

The FACT is, you are completely lovable (if you're a loving person that is) and perfect and worthy of a wonderful loving relationship with a good man JUST AS YOU ARE.

When BW doubt these truths about themselves because of self-perceived "inadequacies" (skin shade, hair texture, features etc... not praised by "society"/STRANGERS), IT SHOWS and they attract those who will "confirm" those LIES about themselves.

LIES that claim black women's natural God given beauty and worth is somehow "less than".

The FIRST woman to walk the face of this earth and who gave birth to HUMANITY was a BLACK African woman.

How could natural black female beauty be seen as "less than" to any normal, well functioning human being?

Whoever - and/or whatever natural phenomenon - is responsible for Homospaians existence on this planet DID NOT MAKE A MISTAKE.

Those who hate/despise black womanhood and black beauty ultimetaly hate themselves and their own humanity and history.

Their OWN human essence.

Because if you go back far enough (not that far acutally) ALL "races" owe their very existence to a BLACK African EVE.


There is indeed life out of the CCBC.


And what a BEAUTIFUL, NORMAL, HAPPY and ATTAINABLE life it is.

When you judge people in general - men AND women - SOLELY on the content of their character, the WORLD truly opens up to you.

Black women need to simply start using their BRAINS and start analyzing situations and phenomenon.

Start following the money trail and stop drinking the Kool-Aid.

Hype is ONLY someone else's OPINION. Nothing more.

And NO ONE else's biased/racist/damaged opinion should EVER replace a black woman's positive opinion of HERSELF.

NEVER accept lies as TRUTH.

Know YOU'RE truth and the damage can't touch you.

felicia said...

"Not all but from what we experienced we learned that european men view women of all races in the same way or view black women in better light than white american men. This happened when we went to France, Ireland, Scotland, Switerland, Italy and Germany."

I can't vouch for all of the countries she listed, but for Germany, France, and the Scandinavian countries that is a FACT I know from first hand experience.

A beautiful/desirable woman in Europe is simply that. A beautiful woman regardless of "race"/color.

And it's true, being attractive AND of African descent (full or partial) is considered a BONUS.

God, I love it over there...

Can hardly wait till the hubby, kids and I head back over at Christmas time.

ava said...

Excellent, excellent post.

I went out with a black ex boyfriend last night and I have a great story to tell you but I need to get offline stay tuned...

The Oracle said...

I've been Paris and I agree with the general consenses. European whites aren't like the American whites.

If I had the money I'd pack my things and move to Paris IN A HEART BEAT! I loved it over there!! Maybe Josephine Baker was on to something......

I Know Tina Turner lives in Swizerland(?) (somewhere in Europe LOL) and I read somewhere that she said she'd NEVER live in America again LOL

The Oracle said...

OT: I really hope Naomi Campbell has finally found "the one". I'd love to see her married with a couple of beautiful babies :)

Golden Silence said...

Oh, what I would give to be able to up and move and live overseas. I'd like to know what it feels like to be desired, for once. Paris and Italy are on the top of my list, with Australia (the beaches!) not that far behind. And yes, I grabbed a copy of Andrea Lee's book the other day. I'll start to read it when I get the chance.

I'm fed up with the nonsense I've been dealing with in my neighborhood, and I'm like "screw it!" I'm tired of hearing so much negativity and drama, and will be doing my all to get out of my negative BC (with some WC in it). If I have to break my lease, so be it. I'd rather be happy than miserable. I'm tired of being sexually harassed by the DBR men on a regular basis, and treated disdainfully by DBR women. Enough is enough!

And that letter you posted? The girl kept claiming that she wasn't racist and that she wasn't complaining, but it sounded like that's all she was doing. (That, and that letter was poorly constructed for someone in college!)

Evia said...

If I have to break my lease, so be it.

Well, don't spoil your credit! Don't let them push you into that trap. That's one trap that lots of blacks fall into--the bad credit trap and when that happens, then you're hit with those high interest rates on future credit. This is why some folks remained trapped--BAD CREDIT!

I'd rather be happy than miserable. I'm tired of being sexually harassed by the DBR men on a regular basis, and treated disdainfully by DBR women. Enough is enough!

Just use this time to plan. Just the anticipation of escape could be a comfort to you.

And yeah, Andrea's writing is mesmerizing.

I found the responses to that note on Yahoo REALLY telling also. LOL!

Golden Silence said...

"Well, don't spoil your credit! Don't let them push you into that trap."

I am not worried about my credit. I pay too much and live in a very transitional neighborhood (nice way of saying though progress has been made, there's still gang activity, violence, abuse [today I witnessed a mother kick her son in the face---yes, I called the police], etc.) My safety and peace of mind are too important for that. If something happens to my credit, so be it. I'd rather be happy than be miserable and afraid where I am.

And it's sad that it's a mostly Black neighborhood that's like this. Why can't we all get along?

Selena said...

can't vouch for all of the countries she listed, but for Germany, France, and the Scandinavian countries that is a FACT I know from first hand experience.

When I was stationed in Germany many years ago, It was public knowledge that Germany men LOVED bw. In fact, the darker you were, the more you got hit on!

HBC said...

"Well, don't spoil your credit! Don't let them push you into that trap."
_______

Golden Silence,

Evia is right you must be careful with your credit. Having a good or excellent credit rating could be your way out. You could obtain a mortgage loan to buy a home in a good neighborhood(dbr free neighborhood).

Until then don't let the dbrs get into your psyche, you must only focus on your goal of getting out.

Peace & Best Regards.

Evia said...

[today I witnessed a mother kick her son in the face---yes, I called the police], etc.)

Yeah, you need to get out of there.

Kicked her son in the face! I tell ya--I have lots of love for bw, but when they abuse their children, they have LOST my vote for good!! And what gets me about some of these sistas is that even if someone wants to adopt their child and love that child and give him/her a much better life, these moms will be hanging onto the child talking about "my child! my child!

I had a well-off friend whose husband and she tried to adopt a little black boy who was in foster care. He lived with them for a couple of years--a smart and adorable little boy! Do you know that his drug-prroblemed mother REFUSED to allow the adoption. Finally, she took her child back and we lost track of him.

I'm just going to say it. I would be in total favor of MANY black children being taken from parents of this type permanently. I realized the mother may have also been abused, but we need to just draw the line at some point. A child is NOT **owned** by their parent(s). Once again the ccbc stands by with no backbone, KNOWING that these children are being mistreated and abused. It's disgusting!!

Whew! After that, I think I need to go to the mall again, y'all. LOL!!

Nah, I've got to struggle with my knitting machine this afternoon.

Anonymous said...

Evia, I am the anon that sent you the article and I am so glad that it didn't get buried in the comments section on your last article, but instead got its very own special message on the front page of your blog and in red no less.

Reading that white girl's comments, who isn't racist (LOL!) with a title like "what is wrong with European men" I just knew I had to share with you, especially with the way that convo was going. I too get tired of reading and seeing bw time and again on PUBLIC MESSAGE BOARDS and in private referring to themselves as undesirable and of course that all favorite standard saying "at the bottom of the totem pole."

BTW, I used to post under the name, Prettyislandgirl way back before you closed the blog comments. I should really stop being an anon and just get a name.

I want to move to Europe now.

ThrivingBeauty said...

Evia, just wanted to respond to what you said about black women needing to get away from the typical black enclaves because you are so right! I'm dealing with a related dilemma right now. I was offered a job that is an excellent career opportunity for me, but the mere thought of moving back to that city with it's large black "community" just depresses me. I've lived in Cali for the past few years and have thrived physically, emotionally, in my love life, etc. Not many black folks out here (LOL), but I've been happy nonetheless.

But now with this job I'd likely end up back in the black community I grew up in (unless I want a ridiculous daily commute) for at least a year. I should have called this lady back and accepted her offer Monday morning, but here it is Wednesday afternoon and I just can't bring myself to call her and say "yes" because I don't want to live in East Hell again. Even if it is just a temporary career stepping stone.

Christine said...

"Sistas, BEWARE!! Don't let them sex you up and then later claim, they don't 'do' darker women. LOL!
"
Wow!!!!!!!!!

Evia you really hit the nail on the head. I was deeply in love with a very handsome, successful and very well educated BM for 2 1/2 years. He as about 10 years older than me. I wanted to marry him he was my DREAM black man. A platonic male friend of mine told me to wake up because my boyfriend was sapping my youth and using me sexually. My boyfriend was very bourgeois. And he always expected me to be on. You know what I mean. He wanted not a hair out of place, not a fingernail smudged, oh and I better not be getting fat.

Although the sex was incredible I knew my friend was right, and I was tired of always having to be perfect for him.

You see right before dating me my boy friend had a white live-in girlfriend . He took care of her she didn't work. I've seen pictures of her even met her once because like us they remained friends. Eventually she met a white doctor (in a grocery store) he wooed her from right under my boyfriends nose and like that she left him and married the white doctor. I hear she is very rich now and very happy. LOL

Anyway, while we were dating he never offered marriage, although on a regular occasion he would tell me how much he loved me (usually after the incredable sex) and for a short while (maybe 3 months)I believed he was in-love with me. But I was too dark. Oh he also told me many of his bourgeois friends would say I was too dark. I was hurt by the remark after all he was at least three shades darker than me. So I never met many of his friends. I was a full time student and I worked full time. He was okay with me missing school to be with him or slighting my homework so we could make-love all night. I never wanted or asked him to take care of me but do you know he never even offered to do anything for me. Once my car was towed while at his home. I asked him to take me to the car pound so I could retrieve my car he did but waited outside for me. I suppose he thought I would ask him to pay the $250 to get my car. The woman he is with now is a very light skinned sister with long sandy hair. God bless them. (When I met her for the first time she was a bit chunky but pretty. When I saw them later she was extremely thin, I guess he got to her too.)

About a year after I broke up with the former lover I had another disappointing relationship with another successful, very educated bm before I met the love of my life. My South East Asian Husband. My husband is an intellectual and he's very handsome. He outshines by far any man I have ever dated. Lucky me. And I said I'd only marry a bm. Puhleeze, I would have missed out on the best thing, my husband.

When I met my husband I knew that I was capable of really being adored. Before I married my husband I asked him besides love why did he want to marry me. You know what he said? He said, because I want the world to know what you mean to me. Yeah that's my baby. Two children later he still, my baby.

Golden Silence said...

"Kicked her son in the face! I tell ya--I have lots of love for bw, but when they abuse their children, they have LOST my vote for good!! And what gets me about some of these sistas is that even if someone wants to adopt their child and love that child and give him/her a much better life, these moms will be hanging onto the child talking about "my child! my child!"

Indeed. When I confronted this woman about her behavior, it was all, "Mind your damn business!" and "F*** you! I can do whatever I want with my kids!" So they can abuse their kids in any way, but when called on it get loud and crazy?! Shaking my head.

I just don't want to live in an environment where this is the norm. I want to be around people who are productive, happy, and contributing to the construction of a community, not its destruction.

Christine said...

By the way Evia,

I have visited parts of France (Paris, Nice, South of France), Italy (Pisa, Rome, Florence), and Spain (Barcelona, Seville).

The attention my African American friends and I received while there was phenomenal, (and we were also with white girls from the University) especially in Italy and Spain. The men in Spain and Italy were Gorgeous and very attentive.

My girlfriend is actually now married to a nice Italian gentleman we met in Florence. She lives there with him and their child.

That was about ten years ago when I traveled with those friends.
I have also noticed that when I visit Los Angeles that bm do not notice me whatsoever, however, I get A-LOT of attention from wm while in L.A. My husband was actually the first one to comment on this. LOL

This is a very interesting post but while my youngest is sleeping I must go and do my workout. I'll return later.

Live well!

sky said...

"Every time we went out, the british white guys would mostly be after the African American girls."

Ben Barnes I'm coming for you!!!

i want to add evia that these dbrm want to have their cake and eat it to. on sara's blog i mentioned that youtube use to be nothing but bw this bw that type of videos. now it's "why do bw date wm", "bw kiss the wm ass", "bw grow afros to impress wm"...just on and on. so they don't want us to date out and at the same time they don't want to date us, wtf????

and what's more pathetic, im also seeing more bm asking "why don't ww want to go out with me?" type of post and questions especially on yahoo answer. i just have to laugh, because i strongly believe that God is slowly showing bw "look you gotta look else where, i did not create you so you could be unloved or undesirable". God had to show me way back from the time i was 4 in pre-school who was chasing after me the majority of the time.

but anyway since i was young i also thought i would meet my husband in europe, now i seriously want to study abroad, hopefully next year...we'll see.

excellent post. what i don't understand is why after all this evidence some bw still can't believe they are desirable? after reading this it made my heart flutter and of course thoughts of ben barnes,lol.

Jojo said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

http://www.oprah.com/slideshow/oprahshow/oprahshow1_ss_20070403/9

Now this is what the bc should be like. She had her whole church involved so it wasn't only her doing it.

She got her church to clip coupons and they catagorized them etc. and started a cool program to help families in need. I think they help up to 15,000 or more.

Too bad many stories such as this one with bw have the bw the only one doing.

Pamela said...

Thrivingbeauty, ask the company if they are willing to allow you to telecommute. That way you can live where you are and maybe go in the office on occasion. I'm working at a local company that allows consultants as well as employees have company laptops. I maybe go in the office a couple of days a week. I work in IT so there really is no need for me to be in the office. In fact I'm working at my Mom's house at this very minute:) That may be an option for you if you really like where you are living.

Golden Silence, if you are able to look at purchasing your own home your landlord may work with you on the lease. When my parents moved here in 1997 they got a conditional lease where they were allowed to leave when their home was built. This may be an option for you if you are in the market for a home. If that is not an option if you are willing and able to pay out the lease, maybe that would not hurt your credit. Also check the landlord tenant legislation where you live and see if the landlord is doing anything that the law says must be done you probably can break the lease without it hurting your credit rating. I did that here in Tulsa when new management took over the complex I was living at.

I rarely have discussions about this with bw these days. Just about all my friends got the revelation long ago that they will probably not have a bm interested in them. One has completely written bm off because she got sick of the madness. It is a good thing to know what you are dealing with and respond accordingly. HOWEVER I just had a friend of mine that I have not had contact with for a couple of years. We had a discussion about this. The details are not important for this blog. I ended up telling her that you cannot guarantee that every bw that wants a bm will have one. The huge single rate of bw is proof of that. I told her for those that are just not physically attractive to other races may need to consider moving. Even at that I said that still does not guarantee that she will be picked. I basically said that bw better wise up.

The great thing that has happened with my bf friends is that they are not letting what stupid men think define who they are. Another thing that has happened is that as far as I know all of them except for this one girlfriend escaped the CCBC years and decades ago. We have peace in our lives and have wonderful lives. I know we will all find quality men whatever the race.

It takes time for mind renewal to occur. It will happen quicker when bw who are in this situation get sick and tired of it. That is what happened to me maybe a quarter of a century ago. If I do find bw that are still in that mode I will confront them kindly about the waste of energy and time beating themselves up FOR NOTHING.

Ranger John said...

As for the white girl who wrote the piece. I don't know if I would necessarily say she is racist, but she is definitely jealous. It comes off to me as the reaction of a jealous girl.

It does seem that there alot quite a few famous and successful white men who are dating and amrrying black women. If I am not mistaken, Clint Eastwood's wife is part black. I also believe I read somewhere that Josh Hartnett and Rhianna are seeing each other. He is a fellow Minnesota boy, so I am happy for him. However, somtimes I have to wonder if it may be fad or en vogue.

As for European men being better at the race thng than us Americans, I guess we American whiteboys may have to take a look inside of ourselves. I do love my country. Afterall, I served in the army in the Gulf war, but maybe we need to search for more enlightenment. Being able to speak Aramaic and other languages doesn't make up for it.

Halima said...

HOWEVER I just had a friend of mine that I have not had contact with for a couple of years. We had a discussion about this. The details are not important for this blog. I ended up telling her that you cannot guarantee that every bw that wants a bm will have one. The huge single rate of bw is proof of that.

i think you have hinted here at an important thing that is often overlooked. sometimes its not so much that bw are being told 'dont date out', its also that bw are not being told ANYTHING in light of their current situation, so they end up coasting along until it is too late. this is what i find with a lot of us bw its a mixture of instructions against IR as well as no one communicating anything in terms of the urgency, the simple logic and comonsense of wider options at this point and the comonsense necesity of evolving for the situations. I think this is deliberate, i think many have sussed bw out and know there is a fear of joining these dots and that bw are waiting on some general 'permission'. many folks know that without it being mentioned very few bw will take that intiative.

someone mentioned oprah is now making it a point to 'instruct' fellow bw to do the obvious and date out. so thank God there are people like you willing to lay down the truth.

Golden Silence said...

"Golden Silence, if you are able to look at purchasing your own home your landlord may work with you on the lease."

Unfortunately, as much as I'd love to buy my own house, I'm eons away from doing that. I can only afford to rent now, and I'm currently renting the basement apartment of someone's house. I cannot wait for the day when I can finally afford my own home.

"One has completely written bm off because she got sick of the madness."

I tell you, if it weren't for the positive Black men I'm around---friends and family members---then I'd write them off completely, too.

I was walking to a meetup after work today, and I walked past a group of Black guys. The one felt obliged to tell me, "Girl, put your lips on me!" Ugh! I was so disgusted. What made him think he could talk to a total stranger like that?! I was livid. I told him off, telling him, "Don't tell me what to do with my body," and also, "I know you wouldn't say that to a White woman, a man, or an older person." This man thought nothing of degrading me like that. He snickered and thought it was oh so funny.

I got so fed up at his nonchalant behavior that I said, "I'm sick of the way you Black men treat Black women!" His response was, "Then find a White man!" I countered with, "That's exactly what I'll do!" The other Black guys around claimed they had nothing to do with him (though they were walking together, they claimed they weren't with him), but the fact that they didn't say anything in my defense rang volumes.

I don't know why Black men talk to me in this way. I don't dress hoochie---heck, today I was wearing gauchos, a cami and a 3/4 length shrug today---I just don't get it. I'm not saying I don't get sexually harassed by White men and other races, but at least when I speak up against their behavior they get quiet. Black men who harass, when called out on their behavior, just get louder and violent.

I'm this close to becoming a recluse and a hermit, I tell you. I dread leaving the house and facing this treatment. I am not around enough encouragement. It's one thing to come to this blog and read the positive support, but I need it in the real world, too.

Sophisticatedblkwoman said...

LoL! Evia I love the title of this one and the pick of the black women running.

lola said...

@ Thrivingbeauty

Evia, just wanted to respond to what you said about black women needing to get away from the typical black enclaves because you are so right! I'm dealing with a related dilemma right now. I was offered a job that is an excellent career opportunity for me, but the mere thought of moving back to that city with it's large black "community" just depresses me. I've lived in Cali for the past few years and have thrived physically, emotionally, in my love life, etc. Not many black folks out here (LOL), but I've been happy nonetheless.

I know you're talking to Evia but I still would like to say something. There's one thing I believe, peace of mind, positive environment and overall well-being are FAR more important to me than anything else because these are PRICELESS privileges. What will you gain from this? Career is extremely important, HOWEVER, is it a good opportunity for your LIFE? Is it really worth going there for a career opportunity if the environment is poisonous? I don't think so. Not to mention, if you want it all, which include a Quality relationship with a Quality man, what will be your chances to find a good man in that "community" that depresses you?? You got OUT of Hell and I assume left for a reason, remember why you left - never forget, and please don't go back TO the very Hell you escaped from.

Also, LISTEN TO/TRUST YOURSELF!!!! Your intuition is telling you something. You're obviously not feeling the idea. I'm sure other opportunities will come.

Delishmish said...

OT: I really hope Naomi Campbell has finally found "the one". I'd love to see her married with a couple of beautiful babies
.............

symphony music playing in background...

You know, that is all good and fine, but I am much more concerned
WITH ME..so I substitute MYSELF in that equation..

Don't feel sorry for her, she is in a far better position than most BW.

Its ok to be mostly concerned with YOU..wish for yourself..when you are squared away and "set" then you can start to help others, like Evia does.

lola said...

Reading that white girl's comments, who isn't racist (LOL!) with a title like "what is wrong with European men" I just knew I had to share with you,

LOL!! The moment I saw "I'm not racist" I thought "then why do YOU think something is wrong with those men?". An acquaintance of mine went to study in London for a year and she's planning to move there by next year. She said the energy was different, she fell in love w/ the UK.

Delishmish said...

Ben Barnes I'm coming for you!!!

.............

Sky..why does that have me roflmao..it sounds like the grim reaper is coming for Ben...now I don't know who Ben Barnes is..but if he see's this, he may be inclined to disappear into the foggy marshes..lol

Pamela said...

Halima, I think you guessed it. I do not know all the people that she is around but I can tell they are probably not discussing the seriousness of the plight of bw and that action needs to be taken immediately.

Golden Silence, I hate that you are not able to get your own home yet. However I'm glad that in the midst of your situation you are standing up and showing respect for yourself. You are highly motivated. I believe that you will find a way to get into a healthier environment. You already know that you are worth respected by how some men of other races treat you. BTW the friend of mine that has completely given up on bm did not have good role models in her family.

Gloryus said...

Interesting post.... I do know for a fact that there are a WHOLE LOT MORE wm/bf couples in Britain ALONE, compared to the USA. If you go to other European countries like Germany, Italy, France, you'll also find a decnt amount of black women who are with non-black men... of course these black women are most often African, black European or Carribean. I have some black female family members and friends (they are Nigerian though) who are married to British and Italian men. So yeah... this is NO SURPRISE to me. I've always said I'd date a white British/European guy faster than an American one.... different mentality on racial issues IN GENERAL. Besides, my father was partially raised in a British culture, so I think I may have more in common with a British guy than an American one.

lola said...

@ Christine,

About a year after I broke up with the former lover I had another disappointing relationship with another successful, very educated bm before I met the love of my life. My South East Asian Husband. My husband is an intellectual and he's very handsome. He outshines by far any man I have ever dated. Lucky me. And I said I'd only marry a bm. Puhleeze, I would have missed out on the best thing, my husband.

When I met my husband I knew that I was capable of really being adored. Before I married my husband I asked him besides love why did he want to marry me. You know what he said? He said, because I want the world to know what you mean to me. Yeah that's my baby. Two children later he still, my baby.


GIRL!!! WOW! I'm struggling not to shed a tear or two! Reading stories like these is empowering, it's like when you win WE win. I'm happy for you! Congrats and keep on living well!

Gloryus said...

Ranger John... just wanted to say hello to you since you are a fellow Minnesotan too!

lola said...

@ Gloden Silence,

I don't know why Black men talk to me in this way. I don't dress hoochie

This is what I've come to realize thanks to many of Evia's posts : It's not you.

I think of them as crazy people, since they're damaged mentally, this is a form of craziness.

Crazy people are the only ones who think nothing is wrong with them and that anyone who thinks otherwise is CRAZY.

That's why when a non-BM harrasses you and you defend yourself he shuts up and leaves you alone, he may have tried it on you but he KNOWS that what he's doing is wrong.

DBRbm aka CRAZY-bm don't think that their behavior is wrong, they think that it's normal and that YOU ARE CRAZY for not accepting this kind of treatment that's why they get louder and more violent. Crazy people aren't rational, it's not you it's their insanity.

CW said...

@Christine

This story is very inspirational...Not unlike what a lot of BW go thru...I am soooo glad that you found joy!

@ Everyone

Slightly OT:

I am gathering email addresses for future BW IR meetups in the Hampton Roads Area...Craigslist is one platform I am using to advertise...Girls you should be a witness to the hatemail I get...Let's just say the language is not for miss company...There are haters which flag my post multiple times a day...But anyone who's known me for more than 2 seconds knows how persistent i am ...LOL...I will repost 20x a day if need be...Approximately 20 Hampton Roads Residents have responded, showing interest in the meetup and I will keep you guys posted!

CW said...

So for anyone who's interested in a BW IR meetup/mixer living in the Hampton Roads area, please feel free to contact me...The reader may also feel free to pass this info along! : )

Erica said...

I have lived in England and it is true that white men there see black women in a pool of potential partners more or on the same level as white women. There is also a lot of intermarriage between white men and Indian women. This is true also in Portugal (even a Spanish man told me that Portuguese men are known to like black women). I remember a few years back Miss Italy was black with an Italian father. Evia, I'll send you her info in a separate email.

Divalocity said...

Tina Turner lives in Germany. I had the opportunity of living there for 15 years, thanks to Uncle Sam. My goal was to never return to the US, but due to my parents health problems, I'm back in the USA.

In all honesty, I thought of this today how European men are different from American men. We Americans have a lot of issues when it pertains to race and the only way we can have real dialogue with each other is to be truly honest with one another and leave the baggage at the door and don't bring it into the relationship. The European men have an open mind and see all women as beautiful.

My first stay in Germany as an adult was quite interesting because I would have Turkish and German men approaching me and complementing me on my skin tone and hair and I loved it.

If any of you have ever served in the military in Europe you know BM did not date BW period so that left many of us to date HM, AM, WM or the local nationals. And would you believe BM still were angry when the BW chose to date whom ever? We didn't care at all because we were going to date who we pleased because they sure did. It's the same where ever there is a military base whether it's in Asia or anywhere, BW were never good enough for them and they made it a point to denigrate and embarrass you.

And as far as the CCBC goes, I call that community depressing and blighted because if you don't have the desire to leave, you will never leave and if you have any dreams you may never achieve them if you let other's pull you down. When I was growing up the CCBC inspired you to achieve greatness, somewhere along the way we have lost that and it seems as if it will never be achieved again. What I find, there is a shared ideology among many in the CCBC that they are afraid of WP and do not want to live among them, even though they share no sense of community among the very people who look like them and are preying on each other.

I chose not to live in this type of environment and my children won’t either if I have any thing to do with it. I'm retired from the military now and I'm seriously thinking about moving back to Germany or maybe Switzerland, after 8 years of living in the USA I'm still in culture shock and have yet to adjust.

I love your blog, because you deal in the truth and I thought that I was the only one who thought like this. I see that I'm not alone.

Anonymous said...

"I found that in europe a white girl is not the most wanted girl. I learned tthat white and black girls have equal chances when it comes to men there. We found that there are many white men and black women couples in the U.K as there are black men and white women couples. Unlike in the U.S where there much more blcak men and white women couples compared to white men and black women couples"

My mom told me that while we were in Seattle Washington visiting family she got hit on by so many white men it was ridiculous. One of our family members said because many don't see dark skinned women that often.

Anonymous said...

"I WAS HURT NOT because I'm white but because there were some guy there that i would have liked to have spent some time with but instead they chose to get to know an African America girl. I would have felt the same way had they chosen an other white girl over me"

In other words I was hurt because these white men who are white like me picked black girls over their own first. Look at it this way she has got a glimpse of what bw have been going through with bm for years and how it feels to be the second choice.

CW said...

@0145hrs anonymous

"...In other words I was hurt because these white men who are white like me picked black girls over their own first. Look at it this way she has got a glimpse of what bw have been going through with bm for years and how it feels to be the second choice."


Or having to actually compete on equal footing...This being judged on true qualities and standards rather than 'white skin'...Fancy that, eh?

The Oracle said...

symphony music playing in background...

You know, that is all good and fine, but I am much more concerned
WITH ME..so I substitute MYSELF in that equation..

Don't feel sorry for her, she is in a far better position than most BW.

Its ok to be mostly concerned with YOU..wish for yourself..when you are squared away and "set" then you can start to help others, like Evia does.


_________________________
::turns off the symphonic music in the backround::

How do you know Im not squared away and set??

Who said I dont worry about me??

I dont think there isnt a day, night... or MOMENT when I not worring about me LOL Some ppl who know me offline would decribe me as "self centered" because of my "me first you second" attitude. I was just simply wishing that Naomi Campbell has found happiness. I dont see anything wrong with that statement. Isnt this suppose to be a place where bw help and encourage each other??

I *KNOW* I'll be married with kids one day!! Im *extremly* attractive (yes Im concieted too LOL) I have ZERO hang ups about my weight (size 6), hair (shoulder length) or looks (think of Lela Rochon in Boomerang). So yes I am a bad bish :p

I could go on and on about how attractive and succussful I'm am but, seeing BW get used and abused hurts me greatly. I'd rather spend my time helping other bw escape too "like Evia does" :)

Anonymous said...

Mannn...this was hard to read this morning but it was good medicine. Thank you. I needed it.

Each time I've been to Europe I've come back convinced that every bw (esp. those overly influenced by the CCBC) should visit just to know what it's like to be sought-after. That ww's reaction is priceless and, sadly, not uncommon.

After 3 years of being alone (really it's been much longer than that relationship-wise but there have been some interludes here and there) I'm going to find a way to "make it happen" in this small, predominantly white Midwestern town. The majority of bm here, regardless of where they are on the financial/emotional ladder, go for ww and the majority of wm seem too scared to approach me. Would it be too much to get a baby-doll T-shirt that says "Single, Hetero, and Available"? lol

Again, thank you for all you do.

Anonymous said...

I forgot to mention...I'm SOOOO glad you're picked up on Andrea Lee. I discovered her as a teenager. She was the first AA writer I'd ever read whose New Yorker stories (contained in her first book, Sarah Phillips) came close to depicting what I'd experienced growing up in integrated suburbs in the 70s.

This is a woman who doesn't believe in the fake boundaries set up by the CCBC and yeah, I know there are people out there who will say that her light skin helps her out but seriously...that's another fake boundary that sisters need to drop NOW. Life is too short and the world is too big!

Evia said...

::turns off the symphonic music in the backround::

How do you know Im not squared away and set??

Who said I dont worry about me??

I dont think there isnt a day, night... or MOMENT when I not worring about me LOL Some ppl who know me offline would decribe me as "self centered" because of my "me first you second" attitude. I was just simply wishing that Naomi Campbell has found happiness. I dont see anything wrong with that statement. Isnt this suppose to be a place where bw help and encourage each other??


This is said to Delish AND The Oracle: I think that we have to remember that commenting here is not a perfect way to have a conversation. Tone of voice, inflection, facial expressions, etc. are difficult/impossible to convey here many times. It's EASY to be misunderstood. I misunderstand some of you sometimes and other times, y'all misunderstand me. Remember it's MUCH better to have each other in our orbit than to not have each other there. We each are rich in resources that we can possibly share with each other. We bw must see each other as being valuable to each other.

Therefore, we MUST be able to give each other the benefit of the doubt in interacting here UNLESS it's totally clear what is being conveyed. Let's ALL of us make it a point to do that because if we don't, we'll end up picking each other apart and for no good reason.

Evia said...

This is a woman who doesn't believe in the fake boundaries set up by the CCBC and yeah, I know there are people out there who will say that her light skin helps her out but seriously...that's another fake boundary that sisters need to drop NOW. Life is too short and the world is too big!

Thank YOU!! So many sistas have been indoctrinated to self-limit with the FAKE boundaries handed to them by the CCBC. I agree that bw need to step out there and take sensible risks. They'd be surprised at what they could get if they'd just ask or just step out there.

Andrea Lee is a good model for this.

It's one reason why I mentioned that a bunch here could read and discuss this book here or elsewhere. The book even has a "reader's guide" in the back where discussion questions are asked. This would help her sales and it would also help some of the readers here to grow--especially since some sistas here are now seriously considering a European excursion. LOL!

Divalocity said...

Essence did a story on Andrea Lee a few years ago. Almost every American Model of color who were famous in the 80's and 90's is living in Europe and living quite well with their European husbands. Debra Shaw, Pat Cleveland, Mounia and other's.

One day do a profile on the late actress, Josephine Premice and Timothy Fales. I don’t know if many of your readers know much about her, but this was a very stunning woman and she loved who she loved regardless. Here’s a link;http://www.csudh.edu/dearhabermas/faleshill01.htm

Phantom Mare said...

@sky
God had to show me way back from the time i was 4 in pre-school who was chasing after me the majority of the time.

________________

LOL! I am now imagining some little toddlers running around the lunch table with crackers in hand.



____________________


For those wanting to visit Europe atleast...DO IT! I have been there, spent my time in Italy..had a long layover in Amsterdam Holland (great time there).

The energy *is* something different.

On my flight to Italia, I sat between two wm wanting my attention while I was going to visit my Italiano in northern Italy..lol.
One was Russian, on my right and the other was a GEORGEOUS blue-eyed TALL Dutchman on my left.

Ladies those Dutchmen are TALL! With me standing at 5'8 I felt like an ant running around talking with a little ant voice.

But those men over there are some real gentlemen. :o)

Halima said...

Just wanted to say to sistrunkqueen and cw and Pinky and anybody that might be doing actual 'work on the ground' ie mixers, meet ups etc, please keep me posted. i am very interested in any practicalizing, actioning of the work we do online.

if you think i could be of any assistance or support also let me know.

something2say@gmail.com

Miss One said...

Ok, I need your help again. To call or not to call:

I met this handsome white guy on Tuesday evening. I had just come from getting my facial and I was standing/waiting for the bus. I was yapping on the cell phone with my girl. He walked by and gave me the "one eye" and I "one eyed" him right back. He followed with the "two eye" and I "two eyed" him back with a smile. He walked up a bit further, looked back to see if I was still looking and I sure as heck was. So he stopped doubled back and struck up a convo about the bus routes...LOL. We chatted a bit and he told me he lives on the Upper East side (I live in NYC) and asked if I worked around the area. I told him I did but I was coming from my facial. I mean, I felt gross..my face was swollen from the pore extraction, no make-up, hair slicked back and he STILL was feeling me. In any event, he mentioned that he worked from home, originally from Georgia but has lived all over the Continental US. We ended the 5-10 minute chat with his request to call me sometime and maybe we can grab coffee. He was out taking a walk and did not have any biz cards on him (b/c u know I asked for one). I ended up putting his number in my cell (at HIS request) and I called him right then on the spot so that my number would pop up on his screen. He save it. Now he said "I'll give you a call tomorrow and maybe we can grab some coffee or a drink" I told him "I'd like that." Here it is Thursday and no call yet. Not even a text message. Now the old me has already deleted his number, but the new me wants to call (b/c although it's deleted, it's still in my call log..lol).

What should I do? I remember reading something about a 3 day rule. All my guy friends say "don't call and cut ur losses. Any guy to busy to call and pursue is not worth it." But then the sappy side of me is says "maybe he's nervous and might need some nudging along. WM don't pursue BW the way BM do."

Your thoughts please !!!!

Golden Silence said...

miss one, I'd give it a try if I were you. I think instead of waiting for a guy to call, you should make the move. If he seems interested, great, but if not, don't let it stop you from finding "the one."

And all these stories about European men are making me wish I had the money to take a flight out there now...putting ideas in my head! I'm going to start saving up for my European trip of romance!

Anonymous said...

"I WAS HURT NOT because I'm white but because there were some guy there that i would have liked to have spent some time with but instead they chose to get to know an African America girl. I would have felt the same way had they chosen an other white girl over me."
__________________________________

The title of this white girl's article/essay make a liar out of her. Not racist, huh. Not hurt, huh. Then why title the article: "SHOCKED BY BRITISH MEN'S CHOICES .... WHAT IS WRONG WITH MEN IN EUROPE?"

I would argue that should would not have felt the same way if the euro man had picked another white girl over her. Simply put, she wouldn't be writing an article about it if it was just some other white girl. She would have just rationalized it by saying the other white girl had bigger boobs, thinner, blonder, or brunette, taller, shorter, a slut, etc., and gone on about her merry life without feeling compelled to write a thesis about it.

Why is it so shocking? Why is there something wrong with British/European men? It seems her world has been turned on its axis. Does it make her a racist? Not necessarily. I would need more proof. I think the term racist is thrown around too much and is starting to lose its power. However, I will say that she has a sense of entitlement based on racist system. In the converse, I would say that SOME bw do not necessarily ascribe to the racist notions of beauty which says: WHITE IS RIGHT, however, SOME bw self-esteem and sense of self-worth have been impacted by it based on this racist system.

WW get uncomfortable when they are not the center of attention. And that is simply b/c they have been socialized, whether they know it or not, that they are the BE ALL And END ALL. If they aren't getting the attention they think they deserve it becomes a very uncomfortable situation for them. I could probably say the same thing about some bm.

Its like a spoiled child being told all their lives they are the greatest. OF course when they realize this isn't the case they are going to have all kinds of negative emotions about it.

Anonymous said...

What should I do? I remember reading something about a 3 day rule. All my guy friends say "don't call and cut ur losses. Any guy to busy to call and pursue is not worth it." But then the sappy side of me is says "maybe he's nervous and might need some nudging along. WM don't pursue BW the way BM do."
___________________________________

Miss One, I think you have already done your part. You made eye contact, showed definite interest and you pretty much said yes to his offer of coffee at another time. He gave you his number, you called and he should have your #. He said he would call and he hasn't. Thursday isn't over yet, give him to the end of the day. If he doesn't called by midnight I would just let it go.

Evia said...

Here it is Thursday and no call yet. Not even a text message. Now the old me has already deleted his number, but the new me wants to call (b/c although it's deleted, it's still in my call log..lol).

What should I do? I remember reading something about a 3 day rule. All my guy friends say "don't call and cut ur losses. Any guy to busy to call and pursue is not worth it." But then the sappy side of me is says "maybe he's nervous and might need some nudging along. WM don't pursue BW the way BM do."

Your thoughts please !!!!


Many times, I don't like giving advice about things like this because I'm making assumptions about things that I don't know about you.

In this case, it's not just a matter of calling him. That's the easy part. The part that you'll have to be on top of is what happens when you call and he responds and you go out with him.

Whether he calls you or you call him, the question is: can you vet him properly? Can you steer the interaction/relationship from the outset where YOU want it to go?

You've already mentioned that he's handsome, but to me, that ALONE wouldn't get him points with me because that's superficial. But if you are a woman who gets bowled over by a handsome man, then you're at a disadvantage with a handsome man. LOL!

Remember that when a man goes out on a date with a woman, he typically has an agenda (not necessarily a bad one) that he's going to try to implement. Do YOU have an agenda? More important is: can YOU implement your agenda skillfully? Can you remain focused on implementing your agenda and not be pulled off track by his charm, green eyes, and muscular body, for ex.?

So, I'd look at it as a matter of just getting experience at this, and assuming that you have moderate skills at steering, I'd say you could call him tonight since the weekend starts tomorrow, and ask whether he wants to check out some sort of free/inexpensive activity this weekend.

If he's interested, then put on your steering cap. If he's not interested or available, you shouldn't take it personally. It's not a rejection of YOU because he doesn't know YOU. Obviously he liked the way you look, so if he's not interested/available, it's got to be something else that's not your issue or concern.

Sandra77 said...

Goldensilence, I don't really know your situation, but I sense your desperation and the urgency of your desire to move out of your current living circumstances. It sounds like you have a private landlord (i.e., you live in someone's house rather than in an apartment complex). I too am concerned about your ruining your credit and/or having to find money to pay out your lease in order to move immediately. I can offer just one suggestion (I don't know if it's already been suggested), but what if you offered to place an ad in the paper to rent out your apartment and volunteered to show the prospective tenants the apartment? Perhaps your landlord would agree that if you could find someone to either take over your lease (sublease) or (better yet) enter into a new lease with your landlord, and you footed the bill to run the ad and find your replacement, your landlord would let you out of the lease? It may be worth a try. I hope this helps.

arthur said...

..What should I do? I remember reading something about a 3 day rule. All my guy friends say "don't call" ..

I'd lean that way myself. If he's got the moxie to talk to a stranger and get her number, it isn't likely it's shyness that's holding him back.

But it could be he's had jobs to get done; things can come up. In thinking it over, I guess I'd second Evia and say 'give it a whirl'. If nothing else you'll gain experience :)

Sandra77 said...

Selfishly, I hope Naomi doesn't marry her Russian billionaire - LOL!! She's so beautiful and sophisticated that she can have any man she wants in the world. I, on the other hand, don't have her choices. So I hope she moves on from him and leaves him free for me - what a gorgeous man! He's my type - cute and rich and likes black women (or at least black women who look like Naomi!) and actually in my age group (which probably precludes my marrying him because he'll probably want someone 10 years younger than himself)!

Sandra77 said...

CW, keep on keeping on and helping BW to meet their mates. Let the haters hate, so what? They have no power over us and they can't stop us. And even if they try to stop you, we got your back.

Sandra77 said...

Divalocity, I note that you say you're thinking of moving back to Germany or to Switzerland. How would you be able to move and live (and work) there? I ask because I am looking for ways to move to a country in Western Europe. I'd appreciate any advice. Thanks.

Sandra77 said...

Divalocity, thanks for mentioning Josephine Premice. Her daughter is Susan Fales, the television writer "discovered" by Bill Cosby. She wrote for the Cosby Show and A Different World. I'm sure she's still writing, but I haven't kept up with her career. I loved the book she wrote about her mother (Ms. Premice) called "Always Wear Joy" - that's another book worth reading. Ms. Premice was a true "diva" (when the word still meant in English what it means in Italian).

Sandra77 said...

Do we not have any travel agents on this blog, or anyone who has a friend who is a travel agent? There are so many BW on this blog who would be interested in a summer (2 or 3 week) trip to Western Europe that this could be a lucrative opportunity for a travel agent. Let's put the word out!

Sandra77 said...

Miss One, I'd give it a try. Maybe he accidentally deleted your phone number and is sitting by the phone waiting, hoping, praying for you to call (it could happen)! I like Evia's suggestion that you call and invite him to a free or inexpensive local activity (maybe something that happens in the afternoon, so that if he wants the date to last through the later evening he'll have to ask for that).

Miss One said...

@ Evia, Goldensilence, Anon, and Art

Thanks for the advice. I think I'll extend ONE courtesy call around 6 pm. After that, it's on him.

Evia,

He seems like a person I'd like to get to know better. I'm a visual person, so before I know what his personality is like (or learn more about him), he had to be visually appealing to me. That's just human nature. You can't look at a guy and see his warm personality with first being able to LOOK at him and not recoil to begin with...lol.

He appeared older. I noticed gray temples but still young. I'd give him early 40's.

But yes, my convo with him would mos def gently lay out exactly what I'm looking for and if he's not, no hard feelings. Like Art said, it's good practice.

Oh and Sandra 77...I am so down with the international world love tour. Sign me all the way up :)

Christine said...

"I don't know why Black men talk to me in this way. I don't dress hoochie"

Golden Silence, it's because these particular bm were predators or cowards. Some of them are like wolves they work better in packs.

Some of them, the worst one's, work alone. If you are verbally insulted by a lone predator ignore him because he may become physically dangerous.

I understand your feelings. And I am sorry that these men feel it is okay to degrade us this way and in public at that. But please do not let their inferiority, contempt and lack of respect for their own mother's cause you to hurt.

Leave the pain where it started with their sorry behinds. Don't own their hurt it isn't yours.

I use to be approached and spoken to this way by bm when I was younger and took public transportation.

I finally figured out that when I see them I should have a smile on my face. A happy disposition of such. For some strange reason when I am preoccupied in negative thought or seem tense and upset I hear a crude remark from them. But when I appear light and happy they are taken aback and not a word is uttered from their trifling lips.

Also I drive everywhere now. We live in the suburbs, and I usually shop at malls in my area. But if I just have to go downtown to Macy's I don't even look at these men or in their direction. I ignore them way before I walk past them, looking much further ahead with my head up. Try it.

Anonymous said...

Hi Evia,
I am AA women whom happens to be married to a WM..I shared this article you posted with him regarding the UK and I like to share his response. I think it is enlightened..

"Wow!! That was a very interesting article! I see it was an awakening
for the white girl who went to the UK and wasn't the pick of the crowd
there when she walked in with her AA women friends. White guys in
America need to wake up and go for what they really want and stop
getting with "white" women just because that is the social acceptable
way to go. Dare to be different, and go against the norms, and one
discovers the true meaning of life!!! (regarding Winberg Husbansd) We OHIO Men step out of the box
and set the standard to follow!!!! Who cares what anyone (regardless of
race) thinks!! Go with your heart and what you truly want and to hell
with everyone else!!! At least I am living my life the way I want and
not the way someone else dictates that I live it!!!

I Love You, XXXX"

Miss One said...

@ Sandra 77:

I thought of that also. Then the other side of me is thinking, am I making excuses for him. I think one call can't hurt. Boy do I hate rejection. I don't know how men do it...LOL. But my dad always says "if you don't A-S-K, you won't G-E-T."

What's the other one "closed mouth won't get fed." I can go on for days...lol.

Christine said...

Miss One,

I remember watching Oprah and there was this author Greg Behrendt he has a book out
"He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys"

He basically says men LOVE to pursue women. They do not take serious women who chase them. We should let men put us on a pedestal by them earning our time.

He also made a comment that if a guy isn't man enough to make the first move or call you when he said he would is that really the kind of man you want?

Listen to your male friends they would know.

You are obviously a pretty girl because he came up to you in the first place. Wait for him to call and if he doesn't move on.

Certainly do not be waiting around for his call. Live your life that way when he calls you will be more interesting to him.

Live Well.

Evia said...

Evia,

He seems like a person I'd like to get to know better. I'm a visual person, so before I know what his personality is like (or learn more about him), he had to be visually appealing to me. That's just human nature. You can't look at a guy and see his warm personality with first being able to LOOK at him and not recoil to begin with...lol.

He appeared older. I noticed gray temples but still young. I'd give him early 40's.


40-something?!! OMG, I assumed this guy was in his twenties. Hmmm, I dunno. This guy was kinda smooth because he's had practice. I would bet this is his way of picking up women or practicing his technique. I don't know how old you are. I think I assumed you are in your early 20s and that he's around the same age. Are you sure you can handle a 40-something man? If he's good-looking and has that type of confidence, watch out!

Regarding rejection,
I'm not sensitive about "rejection" because in order for a man to reject the actual me, he'd have to know more about me. If a man just compliments me on the way I look and then doesn't call me, I wouldn't take that personally because I wouldn't think he's rejecting the actual me.
So just get the practice with him. It doesn't hurt for any man or woman to get "practice" with just talking with and being comfortable around the opposite gender.

Also, re a man's appearance, I'm not really turned on by the way a man looks that much. I'm mostly turned on a lot more by what a man "says" to me. Remember, women are individuals about this and likewise, men are too. A man wouldn't wrack up any extra points with me based on his looks if he doesn't say something that appeals to me. That's just the way I am. I'm not suggesting that anyone else should be like that. Both of my husbands just happened to have appealing looks to me, but it was MOSTLY what they said to me and the way they handled themselves and made me feel when I first met them that pulled me.

Obviously, if he's grotesque, I'm not interested, but most people are in the average range.

D said...

So is this what I was doing when I decided to move to Istanbul from Washington, DC? "Getting away from the CCBC"? I guess so. Wasn't even about the men, I will tell you that now. Whatever else you can say about Turkish men, they act like men. That cuts both ways, though.

Maybe I should write a guest spot? I've been looking for a chance to share my experiences as a black American woman in Turkey -- the good, the not so good, and the surreal.

Christine said...

@ Lola and CW.

Thank You Both.

Ours is not a perfect marriage but at the end of the day we are devoted to each other and to our children.

Live Well Sister's.

Evia said...

Maybe I should write a guest spot? I've been looking for a chance to share my experiences as a black American woman in Turkey -- the good, the not so good, and the surreal.

Sure, write what you'd like and send it to me. If it pertains to what we talk about here and is broadening to black women, I'll certainly feature it.

Golden Silence said...

"So is this what I was doing when I decided to move to Istanbul from Washington, DC? "Getting away from the CCBC"? I guess so."

D, I'd love to hear your stories. I am currently in DC (and from my above posts desperate to get out of here as well), and I have a friend in Turkey (she was here for a few months for school). I'd love to visit her one day, and it'd be interesting to hear a Black woman's perspective on how it's like there.

CW said...

@ Sandra & Everyone

I am so working on it...my goal is to get something started by next year....I even put up a poll question in my neighbor blog:

http://blackwomendeservebetter.blogspot.com/

So ladies, start getting those passports in order...Meetups today...Tomorrow THE WORLD!

"Do we not have any travel agents on this blog, or anyone who has a friend who is a travel agent? There are so many BW on this blog who would be interested in a summer (2 or 3 week) trip to Western Europe that this could be a lucrative opportunity for a travel agent. Let's put the word out!"

Miss One said...

Thanks Evia,

This is why I date several men. Not mate with (read: sleep with) but I'm getting to know several at a time. I'm watching to see who is going to set himself aside from the rest. And I make sure to tell them well in advance what my goals are. In the meantime, I'm constantly working on me and improving my life every day of the week. I know I'm a good one (and can't anyone tell me differently) so no one is ever able to break my stride.

Evia said...

Whew! The note from the puzzled white college woman really brought out a bunch of creative trolls-- not the usual variety at all. They've been on the rampage since last night. LOL! Me thinks they doth protest too much!!

This is just further proof to me that there's a heavy investment by segments out there in keeping bw from realizing their desirability.

Sistas, just keep on looking your best and becoming your best in every way: demeanor, fitness, grooming, intellect, clothing, hair, etc. Be friendly, charming, and smooth!

Keep excelling on the education front (formal and informal) because more knowledge broadens you in so many ways. AA women have a reputation for going on for higher learning. Let's not drop that ball!

Learning other languages can give you a major social advantage in another country. That's something you can start doing right now. Learn to play an instrument; learn how to swim well; take up an activity like cross-country skiing or get involved in a competitive sport. Get out and DO more. That in itself improves you in so many ways.

And if you have any influence with any young black girl's mother, try your best to get through to her mother to not let the CCBC limit her daughter in all the ways we talk about here.

There's a large global village out there and you can go anywhere you want.

And CONTINUE to spread this message to all of your female friends and acquaintances. Don't just keep it to yourself.

Anonymous said...

You know I have a friend/coworker (former) who seperated from her husband after he cheated on her. She stayed married to him because at first she thought maybe she would give him another chance and realized that they were better friends apart. But she wouldn't divorce him because she still somewhat holds on to her Catholic beliefs. Anyways she found out she could divorce him in a week by this app you filled out and by the end of the week if he didn't respond the divorce would be automatic and he would be put in jail. (she's trying to get a divorce now so she can move on) anyway she somewhat wanted to do it and somewhat didn't want to because she didn't want to have him end up in jail. From what she has told me about him he can be a complete ass.


Also I just thought about this, but it was a black man who told me that it wasn't my job to make black America better. It was my job as an individual to make myself better and doing things that made me happy. It was sort of lost on me at that young age, but as I've have gotten older I started to loose that thought process. This guy was somewhat around my age maybe a little older, but I have noticed the main black men that tell me this tend to be older as in their 60's on etc.

Anonymous said...

What should I do? I remember reading something about a 3 day rule. All my guy friends say "don't call"

The Rules has something on this. To give a guy at least a week or two to call and if he doesn't then move on (things come up, he's dating like you etc.), but in the meantime be meeting/dating other guys don't just hang on that one guy who may or may not call.

I'm not always sure about The Rules, but I do like this rule keeps you sane somewhat.lol And btw that 3 day rule isn't about calling it's making dates. If the guy asks you out after Wednesday for a date on Saturday tell him your busy and maybe you can reschedule some other time. Also don't go on on the whim dates either.

felicia said...

"Whew! The note from the puzzled white college woman really brought out a bunch of creative trolls-- not the usual variety at all. They've been on the rampage since last night. LOL! Me thinks they doth protest too much!!"

LOL! Whew indeed... See, these DBR/Mammy "gate keeper" types don't want sistas - especially those with a lot on the ball - to know how desirable they are to attractive, employed, marriage minded men the WORLD over.

They're like leeches that feed of their host which is ALL that Black women are to them.

LOL I betcha they WERE creative.

I can just imagine... But I don't waste my brain cells worried about what damaged, threatened, and ugly trolls obsess about.

FOOLS. The beautiful thing about the internet is that you can learn so much. And share your knowledge with literally thousands of people.

It's TRUE what they say about the pen being mightier than the sword.

I think it's WONDERFUL that so many sistas eyes are being opened up (perhaps for the first time) to the endless possibilities they have.

"This is just further proof to me that there's a heavy investment by segments out there in keeping bw from realizing their desirability.

Right again. That's why it's such a wonderful service we're providing here.

Unlocking and freeing minds - that have been lied to - with the TRUTH.

I suggest as many BW travel as possible. It's healthy and OH so necessary to get non American perspectives and experiences.

Again ladies, the world is truly your oyster.

You can make it a Heaven or a Hell based on those you choose to associate with. The choice is yours.

You are NOT helpless victims but powerful beautiful women.

Live fearlessly.

The rewards are many.

sky said...

delishmish said..."why does that have me roflmao..it sounds like the grim reaper is coming for Ben...now I don't know who Ben Barnes is..but if he see's this, he may be inclined to disappear into the foggy marshes..lol"


lol ben barnes(a pic of him http://www.flickr.com/photos/9666199@N06/2603194086/) is the sexy prince caspina in chronicles of narnia

he is so charming, check him out on jay leno when you get the time http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9wl1j6mUO9s

Ranger John said...

miss one, it is a shame that he hasn't called you. As for myself, experience with WW has made me cynical of the whole meeting and courtship thing. Everything seems to be stupid complicated game with WW. For instance, you can't come off as your interested, but you can't come off to much like your not interested. Also, WW seem to se attention and adoration as a sign of being needy. I cannot tell you that this is what the guy thinks.

As for myself, I like being attentive and affectionate. I also like to give flowers and candy, and that romatic type of stuff. Unfortunately, it has gotten me nowhere. This is with WW of course.

Evia, you are right, when you say to pursue things that will better yourself. Learn a language, learn to play a musical instrument, study a martial art or something like that. I have studied over 15 languages now, I play guitar and have studied jujuistu, kenpo, kung fu and wu shu. I can tell you that you will feel yourself as being a dynamic individual. Do it for yourself, you will be the better for it.

I can tell all the black women here, that most WW would like to have a relationship with a BW. Many of them may never admit it, because of the social BS, but they would nonetheless. The contrast of colors of a BW's hand in yours is a beautiful vision. Also, he would love to look into your eyes and lose himself in a perfect moment of time.

In an area, like the one I live, there are very very few black women around. Then you have the WW always saying how undesirable BW are. Also, many of us WM don't have an opportunity to get involved with BW, because of geographic locatiion. If a whiteboy is giving you the eye, chances are he is very intersted and wants you so much he can't stand it.

I have been getting the impression, that BW tend to appreciate a good man who is attentive, adoring and affectionate. Well, for WW that tends to be a turn off. Or maqybe it is just me. LOL

Evia said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Evia said...

LOL I betcha they WERE creative.

Girl! These are the oh-sooo-helpful trolls or would-be- infiltrators who on the surface "appear" to be trying to **save** bw from heartache and disappointment with wm. So they write in to warn bw to stay away from wm. Their real message is BETWEEN the lines. Some of them even write short stories about bw getting hurt or used by wm.

So it's now moved from saying that wm don't want bw to a protective warning to bw to stay away from those BAD, BAD wm. LOL!!!

I'm sure that wm, on some of the sites, are being told all kinds of lowdown, vile lies about bw to kill their interest in bw.

sky said...

oops im sorry the link for ben barnes was cut off here it is
http://www.flickr.com/photos/9666199@N06/
2603194086/

evia said..."Girl! These are the oh-sooo-helpful trolls or would-be- infiltrators who on the surface "appear" to be trying to **save** bw from heartache and disappointment with wm. So they write in to warn bw to stay away from wm. Their real message is BETWEEN the lines. Some of them even write short stories about bw getting hurt or used by wm."

i hope they are giving the same warning about some bm. how pathetic!


evia said.."So it's now moved from saying that wm don't want bw to a protective warning to bw to stay away from those BAD, BAD wm. LOL!!!"

get ready for that same change on youtube cause it's already happening.

Evia said...

As for myself, experience with WW has made me cynical of the whole meeting and courtship thing. Everything seems to be stupid complicated game

John, you just haven't been around the right type of women who will appreciate you. So, don't let anyone make you cynical and steal your joy of what a loving relationship between you and the right woman can be. I can tell from what you say that you're a romantic man and some women adore a man who is attentive and likes to give flowers and candy and do sweet things like that to bring a smile to her face. Stay romantic like that way and you'll be rewarded.

This is one reason why these racial barriers are so terrible. Along with all the other harm they do, they cause misery and aloneness for no good reason. There are lots of wm and bw tonight who would be so much happier if the barriers weren't there because they would be with each other.

Everything seems to be stupid complicated game with WW. For instance, you can't come off as your interested, but you can't come off to much like your not interested.

OMG! Those games are just TOO stupid! But people can only play those games when they have a captive market of suitors trying to win them. If you've been reading these blogs, you realize that many bw have been having the same experience with game-playing bm and for the same reason. Bw have been the captive market for bm.

However, now things are changing and that's why you're here. You've made a decision to broaden your scope just as some bw have decided to do. I do need to point out though that some bw were NEVER really interested in bm; they were always more focused on wm. LOL! But due to that "social bs" you mentioned, they always "pretended" not to be interested, just as you say many wm "pretend" not to interested in bw.

(Sigh) Life is way too short to have someone toying with you, playing with your time and energy.

Felicia said...

"I'm sure that wm, on some of the sites, are being told all kinds of lowdown, vile lies about bw to kill their interest in bw."

Evia and readers,

The SMART ones aren't going to fall for it. But instead realize that these creatures spreading these lies and filth are insane.

The evening news (and internet for sure) is literally overflowing with bad (and unfortunately truthful) PR about these cowardly and envious knuckleheads.

Who in the hell would think they have the answers to anything?

Less more information about BW?

Anyone with half a brain realizes these mutants are off their rocker with their venom.

And black women ONLY need to be dealing with SMART undamaged WM (and others) anyway.

Those who can see through the BS.

Any man who would believe what these imbeciles are spouting, is a man a sista should NEVER be with to begin with.

Word up to any WM reading this blog.

These DBRBM cretins don't know DIDDLY about BW.

They're scared, vicious, and threatened little boys inside.

Their rants against BW are merely temper tantrums.

If these fools had "the answers", why are growing numbers of them in such a sorry lot?

DBRBM don't have the answers to squat.

BW are no different than any other woman.

Deep down most want love, peace, security, a successful marriage, and happy children.

If you can provide that, somewhere out there, there is a sista who would be most appreciative.

It's as simple as that.

And remember MOST "brothas" ain't brothas to sistas anymore.

So they are the LEAST ones on earth these days to go to for information about us.

Pamela said...

Felicia, truer words could not be spoken loud enough. The point of this blog and similar ones is to show women how to find and hopefully snatch up a quality man. fools, scrubs or whatever you want to call them are not even worth the time discussing other than to identify what they are to gals that may not be aware of the cesspool they are in aka the CCBC. Those wm that see the hollow rants as stupid are the one that may qualify as quality men. If not they can just stay away from the worthy quality bw out here.

Miss One said...

Just wanted to let you all know that I got a chance to speak to Mr. No Call. Golden Silence was right, the number was not stored is his phone and for some reason not in his call log. I know this b/c I placed that one courtesy call. He sounded "over the moon" and so hapy that I called. I laughed and said "good thing I didn't take it personally." little did he know....lol. He said he wanted to call yesterday, but did not have the number. Our convo was short as he was running out the door to meeting. I finalized the convo by politely saying "well, head out to your meeitng. You have the number now. So just give me call when you have some time."

Thanks for having my back today yall !!!!!

PS. He followed up by reiterating his strong desire to get together sometime after work next week. I'll keep you posted.

Mary said...

Evia, I just wanted to say that i've learned so much from you that i didn't even feel the need to read the rest of that article. dbrbm have always sucked (as far as I was concerned). you and sara basically confirmed that for me cause for a long time i was feeling like I was crazy since ALL the AA girls around me were acting like AA men are the ish.

also, i absolutely love how cute that girl's husband is. yall, did you see him.....he is so cute!! and he seems like he totally adores her. and what's better than being loved and adored.

Mary said...

oh yeah, germans are off the chain, i remember my german supervisor constantly hitting on me, talking with me and saying how pretty i was, i mean really - at the workplace yall. at that time, i was like whooooo, what the buck! cause i still held the view of germans being racist, due to the whole holocaust thing but now i'm in a different frame of mind.

D said...

@ GoldenSilence:

Yes, by all means get out of DC! There are problems in Istanbul, but I feel so much better here. That's just me, though, your results may vary. I highly recommend at least a visit.

You go from being almost completely invisible in DC to often being more visible than you might like, though. Some other AA women I know here are bothered by this, and it can be a bit much, especially if you don't understand Turkish but you know people are talking about you. And these folks can STARE.

Anecdotally I know of several bw living here married to Turkish men, but haven't met any yet. Their stories could be really interesting...

Turkish men are a somewhat different can of worms than the Germans, Brits, Italians, etc. you've been talking about on this site. Jury's still out on whether Turkey is Europe, for one thing.

lola said...

Felicia, you have a way with words LMAO!!!

Pamela said...

Golden Silence, I grew up in Oxon Hill and Landover MD. I think they renamed it back to Springdale in the 90s. I have a good friend that I still keep in contact with that lives in Woodbridge VA. Last year she was fortunate to meet and marry a wonderful bm. She is 45 and he is 50. Before then ALL of them she dated turned out to be dbrbm. I just prayed that somehow you would be able to find ways for extra income or that a good job opportunity comes so that you can roll out of there.

Evia said...

dbrbm have always sucked (as far as I was concerned). you and sara basically confirmed that for me cause for a long time i was feeling like I was crazy since ALL the AA girls around me were acting like AA men are the ish

AA women are dumbed down to the max when it comes to AA men. They are not allowed to think intelligently when it comes to bm. That's the only area where the CCBC gives points to AA women for being WAY stupid. In EVERY other area, we are EXPECTED by the CCBC to be smart, resilient, resourceful, progressive, and take care of business!! This is why you see so many AA women doing as well as we do in every area EXCEPT for men.

DBRbm (of all income and education levels) have always sucked for me too and ARE off-limits to ANY sensible woman out there. Shrewd women of all groups do not bother with those men, except to separate him from his money, which is what you see some women of other groups doing when they mate with wealthier AA men.

I would NEVER have gotten married or had any children if I'd had to do it with a DBR. I promised myself and my unborn children that I would NEVER do that to myself or to them. I could clearly see the devastation among quality but indoctrinated AA women whose lives and whose children's lives had been blighted by the DBRs.

Like most women, I wanted to love a man, be loved by him, get married and have children, but I had emotionally prepared myself to be alone FOREVER if my only choices were bad, worse, and terrible. I can even remember being about 20 years old and vowing that to myself.

Those crazy AA women who get all weak-kneed for the DBRs are going to live wretched lives because those DBRs will have no mercy on them. Those men are badly DAMAGED. They have mutated into males who are very dangerous for any woman.
I know that when I coined the term: DBR, some people thought I was trying to be clever with words, but I wasn't. I was being LITERAL. LOL! I was really trying to send a warning message to bw that they are are almost guaranteed to join 'the wretched of the earth' if they get involved with the DBRs that swarm around them.

Y'all can just look around you and see all the sistas living that wretched life. Single bw and their children are the poorest demographic in this country and these children are by AA men in almost ALL cases. Yet, like you said, so many of these sistas continue to gush about AA men being the "strongest" "most masculine" men. LOL!!!!! Lawdy!--

It's the INDOCTRINATION, Mary, and those crazy AA women you mentioned are a part of the indoctrinators because they are infecting other bw with that ish. That is a part of the nbbm (nothing but a bm) virus.

And from all reports, even IF or when some of the DBRs who have resources even try to act a lil bit like a man (provide and protect), it mos def is not with a BLACK woman and her kids by them.

Pamela said...

Evia, I made that same decision when I was 24 years old after BRIEFLY dating two crazy men. I did not date them long enough to determine if they were dbr or not:) I had no contact with them after the relationships ended. I vowed that I would GLADLY live alone rather than having the drama that unfortunately many of my friends have experienced because they had to marry who they could get interested in them. I have not met that person where we truly connect. HOWEVER I DO NOT REGRET MAKING THAT DECISION in my 20s. I say that whoever is fortunate enough to catch my attention will marry one of the happiest, satisfied woman on earth. The dbrs don't even come my way. ONLY quality men do. I'm glad for that.

Phantom Mare said...

Miss One,

I am happy for you... now just let things coast and vet him well!!

Phantom Mare said...

Mary Said...
oh yeah, germans are off the chain, i remember my german supervisor constantly hitting on me, talking with me and saying how pretty i was, i mean really - at the workplace yall. at that time, i was like whooooo, what the buck! cause i still held the view of germans being racist, due to the whole holocaust thing but now i'm in a different frame of mind.

___________________

Lots of Germans don't like that "Nazi" image either...lol.
Naaaah girl, lol.
When they are attracted to you they are attracted to YOU.They have no problem expressing it.

Pamela said...

Ditto, Miss One. Watch him like a hawk:) Hope this is a good one for you.

HBC said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Heads up ya'll,

Although this is unrelated to the current discussion, there's an adorable new video on Evia's romance blog.

Check it out when you have the time!

ava said...

Those crazy AA women who get all weak-kneed for the DBRs are going to live wretched lives because those DBRs will have no mercy on them. Those men are badly DAMAGED. They have mutated into males who are very dangerous for any woman.
I know that when I coined the term: DBR, some people thought I was trying to be clever with words, but I wasn't. I was being LITERAL. LOL! I was really trying to send a warning message to bw that they are are almost guaranteed to join 'the wretched of the earth' if they get involved with the DBRs that swarm around them.

Amen!
And please keep in mind that it is not only thugs and low income black men. Professional successful black men are just the same. I went out to dinner the other night with a guy that I used to date. I have no intentions of getting back with him but a girls got to eat :) Well anyway, he was telling me about this girl that he had been dating for a little bit and told me that she was sexually more adventurous than I was when I was with him. He said that he was even thinking about marrying her. Now this guy is not a handsome man but from what I understand she is beautiful and from a very wealthy family (not American or black). Now the reason why we stopped seeing each other was because the Negro would break up with me before Christmas and did not buy me anything for my birthday. We got along perfectly day to day. I was one of those stupid black women who would cook and provide a pleasant environment for him. We had a lot of fun until it came to him really spending money on me. He had the nerve to tell me last night if I wanted to "GET" him that he expected me to be the same way that his ex was sexually. I told him that I would never, ever sleep with his black ass again. He is a doctor and a very successful one at that. So he has access to a lot of beautiful women although he is ugly. This is the way that they think. They are only dating most black women for sex. They will do nothing for you other than take you out to dinner. In their minds that entitles them to sex. I will let black men take me out to dinner all they want. No sex. No kissing. They are looking for that one special one and are using everyone else. A lot of black women cannot accept this they refuse to accept this.

And being pretty or light or having a big ass or a pretty smile does not make you immune. They are treating all sisters like this. I can name about 30 pretty light skinned struggling single mothers in all of 10 minutes.

Evia said...

And please keep in mind that it is not only thugs and low income black men. Professional successful black men are just the same.

Oh, DBR has NOTHING to do with economics or education. These men are at all income and educational levels. The number of AA men marrying is below 30% and many of these non-married black men are WELL-EMPLOYED.

Now here's something that's really going to burn some folks up. This is why I don't think that black women should contribute a cent to a scholarship fund like the UNCF that gives scholarships to black males ANYMORE. These bm will get the education, get their degree(s), get well-employed and STILL won't marry these daughters of the women who have funded their UNCF scholarships!! Just like there are strings attached to some other scholarships to force the recipients to either give back in terms of service or pay back the money, I think that's what should happen with UNCF monies to black males. It has gotten to this point. It's LARGELY black women's money that financing a lot of this bm's behavior in a LOT of ways. This is NOT rocket science!!

Many folks are still trying to keep bw confused about this and therefore they keep blaming bm's trifling behavior on de evil wm saying that if only de evil wm would give da po bm a job, he would be a good man. LOL!!

Many financially struggling men are good mates and fathers in other groups and it used to be the case with AAs, so it's NOT about lack of money. Many of these men have complete disdain for MOST women.

There is some COLD stuff going on out there, y'all. My 30-something bm cousin tells me about how some of the men talk about how they like to get the "good" girls--the younger bw who are either virgins or are trying to live right and do things with her life. He said that these men will deliberately pursue this type of woman and make her think they love her until they can sex her up and down and break her down emotionally. They will then drop the woman abruptly and leave her broken and bewildered, wondering what she did wrong. The man naturally won't tell her that she was just the victim of the "breakdown" game. This leaves the woman emotionally broken and doubting herself and this is the object of this game.

EmergingPhoenix said...

Felicia said..."...The SMART ones aren't going to fall for it. But instead realize that these creatures spreading these lies and filth are insane..."

You are absolutely right! Just be happy, that they are doing you a favor, by exposing the less than intelligent ones.

Evia said...

The following comment was submitted by CW who also sent a link to a great article where she says, "average men talk about rating women on their sexual prowess." I have posted it on my Critical Thinking blog. Check it out!
_________________

CW says:

@Ava & Ladies

I'm glad u see this guy for the obvious, insecure lil boy he is...Consider it: This guy is a doctor and that's obviously a huge accomplishment...But yet and still he is continuously preying on 'lil ol you' to get some sort of validation...

Pamela said...

There is some COLD stuff going on out there, y'all. My 30-something bm cousin tells me about how some of the men talk about how they like to get the "good" girls--the younger bw who are either virgins or are trying to live right and do things with her life. He said that these men will deliberately pursue this type of woman and make her think they love her until they can sex her up and down and break her down emotionally. They will then drop the woman abruptly and leave her broken and bewildered, wondering what she did wrong. The man naturally won't tell her that she was just the victim of the "breakdown" game. This leaves the woman emotionally broken and doubting herself and this is the object of this game.

This cold game is so old that it is not funny. This has been going on since I was a minor. I'm really close to 50. I remember my parents warning me about this when I was a girl, almost the exact same words spoken by Evia's cousin. This game really goes on in the church. Slimy no good men (now-a-days called dbr) would come to the church and find naive gals, usually virgins, and screw them around. I grew up in the DC area. I left in 1977 to attend college in OK. I have lived here ever since. My parents lived there another 20 years. They would let me know what was happening with my old friends since most of them I had lost touch with. ALL my peers at that church (within 2-3 years of age both directions) except for a handful had kids out of wedlock. Those few married. A good number of the males fathered children. My parents also kept tabs on the little toddlers and elementary school kids I remembered when I left home. Sad to say the cycle repeated with them as well. Many of them are in their late 20s, early 30s.

When I came up one of the reasons given to remain virgins was that good men would desire them more than the 'loose' women. HOWEVER by the time I left DC at 17 I saw that they were desired ONLY TO BE CONQUERED, not that they wanted a 'good' woman. I'm so grateful I had parents that warned me about this before I became interested in dating men.

I assume that anyone that reads this blog on a regular basis wants to marry. MAKE SURE the man wants to marry before you give them the time of day. Do not even waste time on a second or third date with them if you sense they do not want to marry. It does not take weeks to find this out. Do not accept if a man says on the first date that he wants to get married. That is usually a line to get you to drop your guard and hopefully get you in the sack. You can observe them and tell if he is marriage material. The main clue is not financial stability. As stated here there are many men that are financially stable that are NOT marriage material. They will use that status to play any woman that can be sucked in by things and the coins. I know there are many posts on here and on other blogs that discuss how you can check a man out.

Make good decisions for your life and allow NOTHING or NO ONE to get you off that path. If you want to marry do not date someeone that does not. DO NOT WASTE YOUR TIME. You are worth every bit of effort put forth for your happiness and fulfillment. Remind yourself of that often.

arthur said...

..some of the men talk about how they like to get the "good" girls--the younger bw who are either virgins or are trying to live right and do things with her life. He said that these men will deliberately pursue this type of woman and make her think they love her until they can sex her up and down and break her down emotionally. They will then drop the woman abruptly and leave her broken and bewildered ..

Any man who does my granddaughter that way will come to regret it.

EmergingPhoenix said...

@Evia - I have seen (and unfortunately experienced) what you referred to in your comment on Fri Aug 22, 01:22:00 PM EDT. I also notice that in the Bay Area, it is usually the blue collar man who is living well (meaning just getting by), very courtly and eager to marry. The professional men are enjoying SF's vast playing fields. When you throw bm in that mix, professional bm will not give bw any attention (I have heard this from several bw), but blue collar (or sometimes unemployed)bm are usually very eager (hmmm, I wonder why).

I have heard a few ppl say how great it is in the bay area, but I beg to differ. Every guy I know from the East coast, tells me (after the fact, of course), that guys come to SF to play around, and if they happen to find the one, they'll take her. Yes, men are more open to dating women from different races in the Bay Area, so that may be new for some people, but you will still have to contend with other issues here, and the racial status quo still goes, it's just a bit tweaked. The men tend to be accomplished, wealthy in terms of the national standards, but struggling in terms of Bay Area standards. FYI - The national average salary in the US, is considered poverty level in the Bay Area. We have a plethora of "middle class millionaires", and ALL of their millionaire egos or social ineptness, and their money doesn't even go that far to support their egos.

Evia said...

This cold game is so old that it is not funny.

Thank You, Pamela for confirming this!! Many younger bw these days obviously don't have a clue about this and they're around these DBRs all of the time and become their sitting prey. That's why they're so easily preyed on. As that article on my common sense blog says, so many black folks are perpetually mystified about so many things.

Obviously MANY of these young bw are NOT being schooled about these games because the CCBC will never work against the interests of these DBRbm.

Many of these young, naive girls and women crave male attention so much until they want to BELIEVE that these males love them. Also, apparently the media causes many of these younger bw (others too) to **WANT** to be "in love." SMH

However, now that more bw are dating non-bm, they MUST be very careful with other men TOO. ANY man must be vetted. Although I know most women don't want to hear this, but I'll continue to advocate NO intercourse until a man PROVEs that it's about a full relationship; not just about sex. There are plenty of men who do want FULL relationships.

Anonymous said...

Evia said: "So it's now moved from saying that wm don't want bw to a protective warning to bw to stay away from those BAD, BAD wm. LOL!!!

I'm sure that wm, on some of the sites, are being told all kinds of lowdown, vile lies about bw to kill their interest in bw."
___________________________________
So they have moved onto plan B. I can't tell you how many websites I go on where this tactic is used. First it starts with the wm only use bw for sex and then they move onto bad wm who do bad things. They love to pull out of the vault that story from over 10 years ago where some rich white guy married a bw and they lived in a rich part of Florida. Palm Springs or Palm Beach or whatever. Well, he allegedly murdered her and then married some asian lady. They love to dust off this gem of a story ad naseum. Never mind the thousands about thousands of bw who are killed annually by bm. You really know when trolls start to get desperate when they start using stats.

I try not to visit negative sites so I don't know about that, but I know of some bm at former jobs I have held, who seem to make it their business or life's mission to tell non-black men why they only date ww and talk trash about bw.

Pamela said...

Anon 3:16 pm. If it is the story I'm thinking off it was featured from time to time on America's Most Wanted. How many more bw have been murdered by bm?????

I'm with her. NEVER fill your mind with negative stuff. It does nothing to achieve your goals. We already know the lies that they tell about bw. Avoid them like the plague..

Lauren said...

@Evia

I've been reading your blog for a few months now but I think this is the first time I've written. I really want to commend you for the public service you're performing here on behalf of all BW. It is priceless for our beauty, inside and out to be affirmed AND further developed. It is priceless to get our intuitive hunches(thinking we were all alone in thinking in these "racially treasonness" ways) confirmed.


@Miss One

I am also happy for you. And I also agree that it is as important to vet this guy(without putting him on a witness stand or something) as you would for anyone you want to consider for your life partner and best friend. I look forward to reading your updates.

@Ranger John

You sound like a wonderful guy if that's what you can offer a woman AND fully expect same in return. A question, what gives you the impression that WM want BW if as you said they won't admit it. I've heard from several sources that most WM are simply not attracted to BW. What's your take?

This whole discussion has me thinking about getting myself a Rosetta Stone kit and taking up Portugese! It's a shame though, we can't get this level of attention from our own countrymen though.

Ranger John said...

gloryus, hello right back at you. You taking in the sites at the State Fair?

Evia, don't worry about me, I will always be that way. There is a phrase in Latin, illegitimus non carborundum. I have so many ideas in my mind, that they could never begin to grasp anyway.

Ranger John said...

Lauren, it is the impression I have gotten with conversations with my friends who are WM. Of course, not all WM are interested and attracted to BW, but I do believe many if not most are. There are the WM who say they would never touch a BW, however, I have found most of them are the type you would never want. You know the type, vulgar, racist, abusive and just downright bad men. However, WM who are intelligent, refined, cultured, ect. are very much attracted to ther exotic. My friends and I are into exotic food, music, film and women as well. My good friend had a girlfriend who is East Indian and she was quite dark complected, in fact many people thought she was black.

I could be wrong in my assessment, or it could just be the preference of those in my circle. For some WM a black, hispanic, or asian women gives them the chance to broaden their horizons. I don't mean only sexually, but culturally and philosophically.

To a WM, a BW is exotic. For instance, your skin, hair and eyes are darker than ours, so it brings out intrigue in us. A black woman's eyes tend to be larger and darker than that of a white women. Also a BW has fuller lips, so WM may be curious what it like to press his lips against yours. Furthermore, for many WM, BW are an enigma, an enigma of sensuous beauty.

Then they are WM who are into Rap and hip-hop culture, so black women appeal to them. There are those who want to sleep with a black girl and those type of reasons.

I won't say your sources are wrong or are lying. Like I said, it may be just those in my type of circles. I may be the one who is wrong. it is important to note that many of us WM don't know you are interested in us. Many of us are always being told BW hate WM, and whites in general.

I don't know if that answers your question. If it doesn't answer it, I hope it at least gives some insight.

Aphrodite said...

"This is why I don't think that black women should contribute a cent to a scholarship fund like the UNCF that gives scholarships to black males ANYMORE."



This is brutal, but I like it. :) On point- just like the chick that advised no support for the footballers.






"My 30-something bm cousin tells me about how some of the men talk about how they like to get the "good" girls--the younger bw who are either virgins or are trying to live right and do things with her life. He said that these men will deliberately pursue this type of woman and make her think they love her until they can sex her up and down and break her down emotionally. They will then drop the woman abruptly and leave her broken and bewildered, wondering what she did wrong."



Sadly, I have been involved in this game and didn't know it.

Delishmish said...

This is said to Delish AND The Oracle: I think that we have to remember that commenting here is not a perfect way to have a conversation. Tone of voice, inflection, facial expressions, etc. are difficult/impossible to convey here many times. It's EASY to be misunderstood
.....

My goodness..I step away for a few days..and BOOM..lol..

Oh yes Evia..I totally get that. That is exactly WHY I tend to be SO descriptive in my words (and add the lols..believe me I wish there were another expression)..I want my playfulness to come through..but I also know that everyone will not appreciate it, or get what I am saying..but I am still willing to take that chance..I live outside of the "box," but ..
I still think us as BW need to let go of many of our burdens by having a good laugh.. (You can't beat a beautiful sexy self deprecating lighthearted smart BW)

Since I don't ACTUALLY know any of the people (well, maybe one or two) who comment on this forum, I am not actually bothered if some don't get "it." This is (the same reason) why I am not obsessed with random unknown BM..why do I care (for the most part) what some person I don't know thinks of me? (Answer, I don't)
Generally speaking, in my life, I am always willing to give the benefit of the doubt, before I would ever strike back.
I do that in this forum too. If I REALLY have something unpleasant to say...it will never be said HERE in this forum. I respect other people's blogs..but in my blog...WATCH OUT..once I give the benefit of the doubt, and it is UNwarranted..then I am a formidable and treacherous foe...IF I am interested enough in the subject matter....but I would rather be strolling the boulevard of the "Ramblas" in Barcelona, (stopping for tapas at every other bar) than engaging in a faux cyber war with unknowns.

I'm just saying...:-)..This is not a call to arms..I would never go onto the front of ANY battlefield. No sireeeee.

Jess said...

Felicia said...
"I'm sure that wm, on some of the sites, are being told all kinds of lowdown, vile lies about bw to kill their interest in bw."

Evia and readers,

The SMART ones aren't going to fall for it. But instead realize that these creatures spreading these lies and filth are insane.

***this is so true. I had a wm on another IR site tell me that he has a black male friend who was constantly telling him negative things about bw, the wm told me that he knew that his bm friend was saying this stuff because he did NOT want him with a black woman.

Evia said...

Oh yes Evia..I totally get that. That is exactly WHY I tend to be SO descriptive in my words (and add the lols..believe me I wish there were another expression)..I want my playfulness to come through..but I also know that everyone will not appreciate it, or get what I am saying..but I am still willing to take that chance..I live outside of the "box," but ..

Delish, we've been around you, so we know how your satirical sense of humor can surely stir up some folks!! LOL!! Some of us who know you appreciate you so much, but you do come through with a distinctive voice and it may take some people a minute or so to hear your voice or appreciate you.

I still think us as BW need to let go of many of our burdens by having a good laugh.. (You can't beat a beautiful sexy self deprecating lighthearted smart BW)

I TOTALLY agree. I think bw do need to lighten up with the "woe is me" demeanor and relax, smile more, be playful, teasing, flirtatious, chatty, friendly, and let some things roll off their backs. I have NEVER met any man who didn't appreciate a lighthearted, playful woman.So just be SMOOTH with people at all times, especially in ANY public forum, and get away from ANYBODY asap who brings out your jagged edges. LOL!

Now here's a little secret for sistas out there. There's a LOT more admiration out there for bw than many of y'all can even handle.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry but education and romance are two seperate entities. Education no matter the color or the sex or race should be uplifted. If I give and contribute to a scholarship fund I do not care if it goes to a black man or a black female or even white. I want that money to uplift a country that has been lulled to sleep by an ignorant force that has convinved us that people like Obama are elite.

If I give I give on the principal that the more educated are people are the better off the country is.

While I believe that black women have choices. I still love my black people and want to see them succeed. It is HARD for people male or female and I just think pulling up the stakes and leaving is the best policy.

I support education and would never withold funds because it may support bad black men. Overall I'm looking at the good of the economy.

Evia said...

To a WM, a BW is exotic. For instance, your skin, hair and eyes are darker than ours, so it brings out intrigue in us. A black woman's eyes tend to be larger and darker than that of a white women. Also a BW has fuller lips, so WM may be curious what it like to press his lips against yours. Furthermore, for many WM, BW are an enigma, an enigma of sensuous beauty.

THANK YOU, John for expressing this so candidly but eloquently. Your honesty is SO refreshing! Bw WANT wm to express their admiration in a refined but honest manner as you've done.

So many wm are hesitant to express their attraction to a bw's attributes in any public forum because they're afraid they'll get some sort of smackdown. Yet this is exactly why many bw don't believe that wm like their full lips and other fuller aspects of a bw's body, hair, skin, etc. I don't know how I've always known that wm are very attracted to bw, but this is why I never stop telling sistas that that attraction is there and it's not going to go away. So it was surprising to me when I started blogging and discovered that many sistas think that wm think their dark skin, hair, lips, etc. were ugly or otherwise unappealing.

Men in general are visually stimulated more so than women. ALL men are wired that way. Men are attracted to various aspect of a woman's body or appearance. So to me, a wm's attraction to my skin shade and lips or even those other aspects of me that he can't see is no odder than a bm's attraction to my legs or bust, or other parts of me that he can't see.

Many bw are attracted to the exotic which means **DIFFERENCES** in a wm's appearance too. Let me REPEAT that MANY bw (not all) are attracted to non-racist wm, but due to the ever-vigilant eye of the CCBC, so many bw "pretend" they're not interested. Don't believe it for a second! There's the public conversation that bw have with folks and then there's the private one, and that's apparently the same with wm. I totally understand that.

Many bw have said things to me or around me that, in some cases they wouldn't say to many other blacks because these women know I will support their freedom of expression and I have always refused to be cowed by the CCBC.

If more wm like you would start openly expressing your interest in bw, MANY bw would then feel more justified in openly expressing their interest in wm. So wm have to just say how they feel. Just be respectful. Sistas don't want to be ridiculed by the CCBC for openly stating they want to date wm if wm are not there with their arms open for these sistas. Remember that the CCBC still works in all kinds of ways to keep bw focused on bm ONLY and the CCBC LOVE to say that wm aren't interested in bw. There are even black folks who still try to plant little suspicions in my mind about Darren, even though we've been married for years! LOL!

But I do want to **emphasize** that many sensible and more mature-minded bw are not just attracted to wm because of wm's exotic looks, but because they believe that Quality wm are good mates and fatherhood material.

Pamela said...

Evia, well said. It is the entire package.

Evia said...

I'm sorry but education and romance are two seperate entities. Education no matter the color or the sex or race should be uplifted.

Everything is connected. I realize that your comment was meant to confuse bw and appeal to the "goodhearted" bw but I'm going to use this teachable moment to tell all of y'all that I'm 1000% opposed to bw continuing to support ANY bm's uplift of any type when there's a great probability (as bm are increasingly showing) that he's going to turn around and bite bw in the butt or use the money he makes from his education to create a life of comfort for women from other communities when it wasn't the women from the other communities who uplifted him in the first place.

Whites, Asians, and others provide scholarships to wm and the men from their groups first and foremost because they want these men to marry ww, create families with these women as well as build up their communities in various ways. Well, I'm the same way because this is common sense to me. Wm, Am and other men don't use their women's resources to get up there, and then turn around and publicly spit out vile things at their women or elevate other women over their own. Black women have to invest their resources wisely and if we're not getting the kind of return we want, then we need to pull out.

If, for ex., the BULK of educated Korean men refused to marry or refused to marry Korean women but instead married non-Korean women, and started debasing Korean women on the national and international stage, then I'd bet my right eye that MOST Koreans would stop financing scholarships for Korean men or contributing anything to their uplift. Come on! This is not rocket science.

It's just FOOLISH for bw to continue to create and feed these various types of bm predators and other bm who disrespect bw, and then complain about how they're disrespecting and debasing us. Sistas, keep your checkbooks closed!!

In my family, we've always given generously to the UNCF, but no more. I will give it specifically to a bw's scholarship fund. Actually, I'd love it if some of you could provide some bw's scholarship funds names and addresses for me to list in my common sense blog.

Demand Reciprocity now!!

Sophisticatedblkwoman said...

Evia, I'm with you on the stop uplifting black men. I've already started this myself anything I see advertised directly for bm I turn the other cheek. I will definitely post some scholarships for bw women that I came across. I've come across quite a few too, during my search. I'll go back to these sites and post them as soon as I can. Good idea!

CW said...

Ahh yes, even I felt that twinge of guilt for .002 seconds...It seems as if some don't really want us to 'get tough'...No results are achieved if BW (or anyone else) is simply all talk...We emphatically MUST cut off all ties and stop supporting:


-The music,radio stations,clubs which primarily plays that type of music

-The TV shows where "coonery" is the theme

-The clothing, liquor and other products made by these people

And don't forget:

-Fraternites

-Churches which are designed to keep BW subservient to THEM and not GOD

...And I'm sure u ladies can think of more : )

"...I'm sorry but education and romance are two seperate entities. Education no matter the color or the sex or race should be uplifted.
"

Delishmish said...

Now here's a little secret for sistas out there. There's a LOT more admiration out there for bw than many of y'all can even handle.
....

UH-HUHHHH....

just last night, I was out, and I turned around and a young 'un was just a grinning and skinning at moi..so I gave him a nod, and a smile...sowing somewhere in the depths of his mind, that BW are indeed receptive and approachable. Now I may not have been interested in this one, but maybe somewhere down the line I have helped my fellow BW out because of my gesture...these gestures ALL add up..I also use this technique with ALL "chilluns".. talk to them, engage them etc..ask them what they are doing...children LOVE this..and so do grown men...but it has to be real...coming from a real place of inquisitiveness.

Just a thought..I am off to have an exciting joyful day (which will include at least three glasses of some alcoholic beverage at the party I am going to.

I just LOVE a frosty glass of Boones Farm wine in the summertime.

Evia said...

Ahh yes, even I felt that twinge of guilt for .002 seconds...It seems as if some don't really want us to 'get tough'...No results are achieved if BW (or anyone else) is simply all talk...We emphatically MUST cut off all ties and stop supporting:

Well, I don't feel any more guilt about bm than they feel about me because they are NO better and no more deserving of protection and uplift than me or other bw. I don't believe in treating ANYONE better than they treat me. That's just foolish where I come from.

Lots of bw really need to examine any guilt they feel about bm because it's the guilt that turns them and their daughters into easy prey for bm. Maybe I've missed something, but I don't see where bw have been given anymore than bm and I don't see why SOME bw seem to feel we should be more loyal to bm than they are to us. This is why I lay emphasis on the Indoctrination that bw get as the ONLY reason why bw foolishly continue to support and uplift bm who increasingly spit on us in various ways.

If my own sons were to one day ever disrespect and debase bw, I'd hope that bw would find some kind of way to put them in check because that would be the ultimate disrespect, the ultimate insult to me, their black mother.

Every working system must have a check and balance in place or else there will be chaos.

If I have missed some pages of history that prevents me from understanding something about this situation, I'd really appreciate it if someone would write me and bring me up to speed.

CW said...

BTW...Here is a msg I received in my YouTube inbox...Here is a quick lesson in "False or Forced Teaming"

"do u hate blk men"

"look i really don't care if your dating a white guy because i think interracial love is wonderful in all. even though i just got out of in interracial relationship with a white girl who was a bitch.


me personally i plan to marry a blk women and wouldn't have it any other way. got that right


but the reason why im asking is because your video's seem like their trying to divide the blk community.

even though i and that some blk women should adte outside their race because some of these so-called brotha's tend to date outside of their race out of hate for themselves.

please write me back when you get this message because i would seroiusly like to know.


thank you and remember to subscribe "


Forced Teaming. This is when a person tries to pretend that he has something in common with a person and that they are in the same predicament when that isn't really true. (Everyone should read Gavin De Beckers "The Gift of Fear" for further insight)

Evia said...

Forced Teaming. This is when a person tries to pretend that he has something in common with a person and that they are in the same predicament when that isn't really true.

LOL! I get lots of these every day to this blog, and I never post them. Some of them are very elaborate and actually creative because some folks are REALLY trying to get through on my blog to keep bw confused. I post one or two occasionally if I want to use it as a "teachable moment."

The fact that they spend all of that energy trying to **slip** through enables me to study them and makes me know that I'm effective and a threat to them.

Maybe you should post some of these tactics on your blog, so that bw will be aware and BEWARE!

CW said...

Yep...Already working on it...Have a few ideas for new entries...My 'summer hiatus' is almost over...

Phantom Mare said...

Sistas don't want to be ridiculed by the CCBC for openly stating they want to date wm if wm are not there with their arms open for these sistas.

____________________

That is it in a nutshell.

...and then have nothing to fall back on.

We are women (first) who need to be protected.

Phantom Mare said...

Evia Said...It's just FOOLISH for bw to continue to create and feed these various types of bm predators and other bm who disrespect bw, and then complain about how they're disrespecting and debasing us. Sistas, keep your checkbooks closed!!

In my family, we've always given generously to the UNCF, but no more. I will give it specifically to a bw's scholarship fund. Actually, I'd love it if some of you could provide some bw's scholarship funds names and addresses for me to list in my common sense blog.

Demand Reciprocity now!!
______________________________


Evia let me know also. I will post them to my EWW blog!

RealSteven18 said...

Hi everybody. New column next week. I'll chime in on what Evia wrote. I can tell you I have a few good black male friends in my age group and for the most part have dated all types of women and not strictly black. These guys are educated and hard working and some of my best friends. Though I have friends all races and backgrounds as someone who works in the mainstream media.

It's amazing to me how other countries have come farther with social acceptance compared to the United States. Small parts of me would love to live there just because it seems easier for a black woman to date a white man.

Many women are jealous of other women. It doesn't matter what background you are. The white girl just couldn't believe she wasn't getting any attention because had a programmed mindset that white women were always looked upon as number one, but that's not the case. There is beauty in all backgrounds and all races.

All I can say to the black women out there is I understand there is family and social pressures, but you have to find a man who respects you and appreciates you. One who is not superficial and doesn't judge every little thing about your body.

He can be white, asian, hispanic, or black, but you have to judge people on chracter not race.

It disappoints me how I meet so many great, smart, hard working, and accomplished black women in their 20s, but so many hold back from dating me because of the things that might come from being from me or the hate as they say.

In closing, be strong and realize there are many men who aren't black that find you beautiful and desirable and will look at you as an equal and love you the way you deserve to be loved.

Steven

arthur said...

..Everyone should read Gavin De Beckers "The Gift of Fear" ..

Just ordered at Amazon. Thanks, CW :)

Anonymous said...

Anon at 07:23:00 AM,

You need to start loving "your people" on an INDIVIDUAL basis.

Because TRUST, some of those same BM receiving these scholarships provided by mostly black women, DON'T love you (or black women) back.

If you're not being reciprocated you're being USED. Plain and simple.

Overall, black women need to be supporting and looking out for the needs of other black women and THEMSELVES.

The ONLY scholarships that BW should be investing in are those specifically set aside for SISTERS.

WAKE UP.

calibudafly said...

.002 twinge of guilt. LOL I feel you CW. I think we should make a list of words to look out for:

Brotha (or my Brotha, your brotha)
Queen
Sista
Black Community
Loyalty
Good Black Woman
My people, your people
Traitor(s)
Speaking like, acting like

If someone starts a conversation out like this start running lol.

lola said...

Let me REPEAT that MANY bw (not all) are attracted to non-racist wm, but due to the ever-vigilant eye of the CCBC, so many bw "pretend" they're not interested. Don't believe it for a second!

SO SO TRUE!! This used to be me, you fear the consequences, you fear being ridiculed, attacked, harrassed, called all the names in the book. I really had to free myself from that, I had to start cutting some folks off, I had to stop caring what people - especially strangers - said or thought. Stop worrying about the "sellout" label because I know who I am.

It's a LOT easier to do when you have AT LEAST one or two BW who support you, I guess that's why I could free myself faster than many who have NOBODY to talk with and support their interest in IRR. But they're gonna have to use these blogs, talk to the bloggers if they don't have anyone else, ask questions, join groups on the net, make new (open-minded) friends etc. FIND A WAY to free yourself, if you REALLY WANT TO you CAN do it!

I am SO flirting with non-BM now, something I would have NEVER dared to even imagine a few months ago.

Don't believe it when some sistas say they don't like WM or any other non-BM. This is nothing but the voice of FEAR and INDOCTRINATION.

@ CW

Forced Teaming.

That's exactly what it is. And thanks for the book I'll definitely check it.

Divalocity said...

@ calibudafly

You forgot to add the phrase "I'm saved" because that one gets a number of marriage minded women who attend church regularly all of the time.

The church is the new dating arena, where the predators now go hoping to find their next victims.

Mary said...

"He said that these men will deliberately pursue this type of woman and make her think they love her until they can sex her up and down and break her down emotionally."



whenever i hear these things, i'm absolutely horrified. I always imagine it is just a small group of extremely damaged black men that do these things but the fact that some women in this blog say they’ve been targets speaks to how prevalent this nonsense truly is. I mean, really, there are many black men out there who are preying on bw as if we’re animals, it’s very sick and very sad. How much hatred do you have in your heart that you would intentionally go after a young woman who is trying to live well and try to break her, that is simply EVIL.

I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt cause its hard to imagine people being so depraved but I’m constantly bombarded with evidence that many bm are depraved, especially towards bw. I will continue to try and get my younger sister and cousins to see that a bm might not be the best thing for them. Some of my younger cousins old enough to date (the ones born here) are stuck on this whole wm are evil nonsense. I think bw are easy victims for bm because a lot of us are normal people with good hearts. Its normal to care about your group of people, its normal as a woman to want the men from your group to want you. Bm’s behavior towards bw however is not normal, their hatred and jealousy is not normal and that’s why its hard for a lot of bw to notice and accept that bm simply hate us. That might sound harsh but you only treat your enemies the way many bm treat bw.

Pamela said...

I think we should make a list of words to look out for:

Brotha (or my Brotha, your brotha)
Queen
Sista
Black Community
Loyalty
Good Black Woman
My people, your people
Traitor(s)
Speaking like, acting like

If someone starts a conversation out like this start running lol.


I howled reading this one. Perfect list, especially 'QUEEN'. If not you have chosen to enter the twilight zone. Unfortunately this zone has existed for 30+ years of my lifetime. RUN FOR YOUR SANITY. You are asking to be a sucka (my generation).

Halima said...

I'm sorry but education and romance are two seperate entities. Education no matter the color or the sex or race should be uplifted.

Clearly many bw dont have the 'stomach' for the work that needs to be done to turnaround the general situation of bw.

Supposing I wanted to Date a White Guy...?

Pamela said...

divalocity, I was not going to bring church life into this but you are right. A derivative of 'I'm saved' that I have heard over the years is 'I'm called to preach' or 'I'm a preacher'. That puts a higher expectation in women because you expect a man of the cloth to have even higher morals since they are to be the examples for the rest of us. The church is the worse culprit for this. Just about all the madness I observed was in the church. The religious twist to this makes me sick. I do not remember if it was on this post or another one but one of my friends that got married last September messed with two or three dbr preachers. Thank God her tolerance for mess was pretty much non-existent. She ended up marrying a sho nuff Christian bn that she vetted for months before she would go out with him. When he took the first look at her he decided that she would be his wife. I do not know when he first told her that he intended to marry her. She made sure about him before she would go out. Within a few months after that they got engaged and married. The timeframe was ten months. I will send them an anniversary card in a few weeks. They are older (she is 45 and he is 50). I believe they will make it. When anyone disrespects her he stands up for her. A true quality man. She is so glad she waited and did not compromise. They are getting their financial house in order in preparation for purchasing a house next year (hopefully).

Mary, I empathize with you. We are generally good natured people. The fact that some will take advantage like that is deplorable. However some do meet good bm like my friend did. However to say that we should exclusively date bm is foolish. The percentage of quality bm that want bw to dbrbm is amazingly low. At least this has been the experience of way too many bw. We have to know what we are dealing with. That is NOT to just assume that all bm are bad and that other races of men are inherently better. Check out every man that comes near you. Realize that bw are probably more vulnerable to bm because most bw have not dated outside the race. The fact that many have been brainwashed over the decades that bm are their only choice this puts them at an advantage to get at us in ways that other races, especially wm, just do not have. I think it would be safe to say that probably most bw do not immediately let their guards down when dealing with wm just because of the history between bw and wm. That same caution must be exhibited with bm as well as you have sadly seen. We do not have to approach this with fear. However it is never good to make assumptions about any man without checking him out first. We have to accept that just because a bm approaches us does not necessarily mean he has any affinity towards us just because we are a part of the race.

CHECK THE MAN OUT REGARDLESS OF RACE. There are slimy men in every race. Why they are slimy does not matter. If I am not respected by a man for whatever reason it's time to roll.

The best way to build 'community' is to be with those that are of like mind and respect one another. That may or may not come through a common race. That is definitely not the case in the black community. The quicker we realize that the better.

PioneerValleyWoman said...

Evia:

"He said that these men will deliberately pursue this type of woman and make her think they love her until they can sex her up and down and break her down emotionally."

My reply:

There are other dynamics of this--when the behavior goes off into the realm of sexual assault masquerading as consensual sex, ie., date rape.

There is a documentary that every black woman should see: No the Rape Documentary, a discussion of rape in the African American community.

Evia said...

CHECK THE MAN OUT REGARDLESS OF RACE. There are slimy men in every race. Why they are slimy does not matter. If I am not respected by a man for whatever reason it's time to roll.

Exactly! I'm don't know why it's so hard for SOME women to accept that they must vet men. ALL men must be evaluated/vetted/checked out and I've been saying this forever.

If I'm not respected by ANYBODY, I'm going to roll. This must be taught to black girls to do AUTOMATICALLY. After a while, it definitely becomes just reflex.

When a man knows that he absolutely MUST respect you, he'll either do it or he'll leave. And if he does leave, I would never feel I've lost anything but a lot of grief. I'd probably want to send him a thank you card for taking his stuff to somebody else.
The fact is that there are too many other men in the world who are willing to do the right thing by a woman and bw need to accept this and ACT on it.

This is why I've clearly seen that a big part of why bw take all of this use and abuse from bm is because they've been taught to be loyal to bm AND because they don't feel they have a choice--since the CCBC **drills** into a typical black girl's head that no other man wants them. The way to change this dynamic is to make it plain that this is just a big lie and to present a brand new picture of the choices bw have with men in the global village. I really believe that when bw know better, they do better.

Ranger John said...

I would like to share something with everyone here. With the article of European WM being better regarding BW than us American WM and the responses from the women here had me irritated. However, this morning I was on IM with a friend from Sweden, and I asked her if European WM are more tolerant and enlightened regarding BW. She answered me, that yes it is true. She said, BW are highly sought after in Europe. In Europe, it is highly sought after for a WM to be involved with a BW Apparently, European WM appreciate the exotic beauty and diversity of BW, more than we American WM. So, I have to admit that I was wrong. I can see that we WM here in the United States still have some ground to make. I love my country, and I am proud of my American heritage, but facts are facts. It has compelled me to engage in some soul searching and self-reflection, that maybe I may not be as tolerant and enlightened as I would like to think I am. Perhaps there may be racism and bigotry, in my personal views and ideologies. If I have made any comments that you may found to be bigotted, I am deeply sorry for it.

Also, I have some ideas of interracial relationships between WM and non-WW. So, I would like to write some of these down and see what everyone thinks, even if it is rants from someone as boorish as I.

I don't believe that WM "having a thing" for BW and non-WW is anything new. I believe there was a movie titled Something New, about a BW-WM relationship. We know about white slave owners being intimate with BW who were slaves. Is it possible, that these men found love and affection in the arms of a BW, rather than a WW? I guess, that is the hopeless romatic in me. The realist does realize that it was more times probably rape or that these BW knew it was in their best interests to not reject the sexual advances of the slave owners and other WM of the time.

There was King Solomon and the Queen of Sheba. The bible does not make mention of an intimate relationship between the two, but the Quran and Ethiopian Orthodox legend do. Not only did they have a relationship, she also gave him a son. Moses was married to a Cushite. Actor Robert De Niro has been known to have a preference for BW. All of the wives of John Wayne were Latinas and Marlon Brando was known to have a preference for asian women. If memory serves, Dorthy Dandridge was married a WM.

What this can say, is that BW and non-WW have been found to be attractive for centuries. So when you hear or read that BW are not desirable, attractive, sexy or whatever, don't drink the Kool-aid.

Lauren said...

@Evia and Ranger John,

Thanks for your comments. Though I've been dating interacially for years now, I've always cringed at the inevitable question from family and friends, "Is he black?" especially when they knew full well the answer. It was in fact only a few weeks ago that I was able to fully own up to them my preference for white men and why.

It was a gradual process beginning with my perceived rejection by black men years ago. Now it is not a reaction to but a preference for. Like you Ranger John, I associate the different features with the opposite sex. So to me white skin, straight hair and nose, signals maleness. And likewise I appreciate his appreciation of my black femaleness. It's good to hear that more people than I originally thought have these natural inclinations. Is what they say, "Viva la difference?"
Anyone with a problem with that will just have to get over it--or not.

Halima said...

whenever i hear these things, i'm absolutely horrified. I always imagine it is just a small group of extremely damaged black men that do these things but the fact that some women in this blog say they’ve been targets speaks to how prevalent this nonsense truly is. I mean, really, there are many black men out there who are preying on bw as if we’re animals, it’s very sick and very sad.

Mary its not so much hatred as it is opportunity. under the right conditions you can create predators aplenty, and these conditions have become optimised in the bc.

Most communtities know how to control negative impulses within their group, every culture and group knows it has dangerous and damaging elements or potential dangerous elemtns and they have ways of controlling them, or excreting them so they dont poison the whole body. but when we went against this basic sense of self preservation to declare every black person 'brother', we essentially did ourselves in. No doubt we were responding to the racist system against blacks, but by going to the other extreme, we have got to a point were we are now unnecessarily 'creating' predators.


I think bw are easy victims for bm because a lot of us are normal people with good hearts. Its normal to care about your group of people, its normal as a woman to want the men from your group to want you. Bm’s behavior towards bw however is not normal, their hatred and jealousy is not normal and that’s why its hard for a lot of bw to notice and accept that bm simply hate us

This says it all Mary. yes we are easy victim because many of us are unprepared for any idea of bm being malicious towards us. we are and have been told they are brothers and we naturally expect brotherly responses from them.

i think it is this 'running towards bm with outstrecthed arms', that has destroyed many a bw. As you tell them that the bm in the bunch might not be the best option, it might give them the self-preserving 'hesitation' and second thinking that black community has effectively 'stripped' from bw.

Evia said...

The following edited comment was submitted by Cool_Splash1 in response to a comment I made. (Please don't use the n-word or alter it as I've done below if you choose to use it to emphasize your point or if it's in a quote. The n-word has a severe psychological impact on some readers.)
_____________
Evia said:
"Y'all can just look around you and see all the sistas living that wretched life. Single bw and their children are the poorest demographic in this country and these children are by AA men in almost ALL cases. Yet, like you said, so many of these sistas continue to gush about AA men being the "strongest" "most masculine" men. LOL!!!!! Lawdy!--"

Cool_Splash1 replied:
I've had sistahs tell me the only way they would date a guy is if he was a "ni%#ga" (excuse the term. Hate thatword) I told one girl I worked with why would you want an ignorant fool?

Or [for some of these girls] he has to be a thug, or they won't date a black man or any man if he ain't "down." Whatever that means. I don't think they even know.


No, they don't even know what "down" means and if you force them to follow and explain that line of thinking out to its ILLOGICAL conclusion, some of them still wouldn't realize how stupid it is. But many black people can manage to escape doing any **critical** thinking for their entire lives because they're never challenged about their foolish thinking or revealing their stupidty.

"Down" black men almost always end up behind bars, or live stunted lives, or become dead at a young age and/ or cause the woman and her children to end up alone or incarcerated or poor, and/or dead. Many of these 'ride or die' chicks are ending up dead or living dead-end lives dealing with these "down" men. There are many stories in the news about this these days. Sometimes their children are shot to death too or otherwise killed.

So these women have no idea how unintelligent this type of statment makes them look, but this is another type of broadcast from the "keepin' it real" or "acting black" crew that makes all bw look stupid because there are many young bw who'll make these types of proclamations. The media will of course show and spread this because it is so sensationally stupid! This is equivalent to someone standing on the edge of a skyscraper threatening to jump off. This is suicide talk and the media is always going to put the spotlight on anyone who is threatening to kill themselves.

When whites, like Brittney Spears, engage in self-destructive public talk/ behaviors, other whites can usually go to her and get her to stop publicizing it, but many blacks will NOT shut up. They'll claim that they're just "keepin' it real" and accuse the black person who's trying to quiet them of being a "sellout" or "bougie."

Obviously no man with a smidgeon of intelligence would want this type of woman as a mate, yet many of these same women would feel rejected if an upwardly mobile black or white man doesn't want her. LOL! Even as a woman, I wouldn't want this type of woman in my social circle AT ALL. And I certainly wouldn't want her to come into contact with my children.

This is why any bw who plans to survive and thrive MUST separate herself from this type of bw and make it clear to others that you and they are two DIFFERENT groups.

I know that some softhearted, self-sacrificial bw out there will read this say that we bw have to try to "save all of our people." LOL! Not me! I'm willing to provide info or knowledge, but I'm not willing to argue and fight with every woman who just happens to have lots of melanin in her skin, to save her. If she's trying to help herself, I will support her to the hilt and I strongly encourage other bw to do the same, but if she's DETERMINED to go down with the "down" crowd, she's off my list.

Once again, I want to URGE those bw who do plan to 'Live Well" to focus on what you're doing TODAY that will enable YOU to live well. It won't happen just by magically thinking about it or just by reading this blog. LOL! If you're not actively DOING things each day towards your goal of Living Well, YOU could easily end up in a wretched place just as these "down" bw and their unfortunate children.

Evia said...

It has compelled me to engage in some soul searching and self-reflection, that maybe I may not be as tolerant and enlightened as I would like to think I am. Perhaps there may be racism and bigotry,

John, this statement itself would make you an appealing man to many bw because it signals that you are perceptive about others, self-reflective and desire growth.

You may have been a bigoted wm yesterday because someone instilled bigotry in you yesterday while you weren't looking, but no white person has to CONTINUE being bigoted today and tomorrow. That's a choice.

This is why I continue to say to black folks and to bw that it doesn't really matter TODAY that racist whites told us lies about ourselves in the past and it doesn't matter TODAY that the CCBC told and tells bw lies about ourselves, we can **choose** TODAY not to believe the HYPE and instead RE-TRAIN ourselves to think in a manner that will favor us. We CAN self-define and I've talked about the critical importance of self-definition, especially for AA women.

Sadly so many folks don't want to do the necessary work to RE-TRAIN themselves. They would prefer to keep believing other peoples' self-serving opinions and acting on those opinions.

Halima said...

WE GOT NEXT

2012

SEE YOU ALL IN LONDON!

Anonymous said...

Anon at 07:23:00 AM,

You need to start loving "your people" on an INDIVIDUAL basis.

Because TRUST, some of those same BM receiving these scholarships provided by mostly black women, DON'T love you (or black women) back.

If you're not being reciprocated you're being USED. Plain and simple.

Overall, black women need to be supporting and looking out for the needs of other black women and THEMSELVES.

The ONLY scholarships that BW should be investing in are those specifically set aside for SISTERS.

WAKE UP.

I am awake. I just dont see GOOD black men as the enemy. Nor do I want to make good men pay for the actions of others. I will continue to support programs that UPLIFT the community. Will I marry a DBR to uplift the community?? No. But seriously I would rather black men be educated than stuck on the streets being a menance to themselves, me and society. I refuse the harden my heart against good people over the actions of not good people.

Phantom Mare said...

Hey John :o)

I appreciate your comments.

Maybe the American and European men can conference of this and learn from each other. Maybe exchange some ideas?

Personally, WM is a WM whether he is Amero or Euro. It is just that they are more relaxed over there..lol. But Amero-WM are getting better at being more relaxed.

Selena said...

But seriously I would rather black men be educated than stuck on the streets being a menance to themselves, me and society. I refuse the harden my heart against good people over the actions of not good people.

Once again:

This ia a blog about the betterment of bw not bm. Go to a blog about BM if you feel the need to wave a flag for the "cause".

Evia said...

I am awake. I just dont see GOOD black men as the enemy. Nor do I want to make good men pay for the actions of others. I will continue to support programs that UPLIFT the community. Will I marry a DBR to uplift the community?? No. But seriously I would rather black men be educated than stuck on the streets being a menance to themselves, me and society. I refuse the harden my heart against good people over the actions of not good people.


These so-called "good" bm need to stop being cowards and stand up for bw and children. Didn't some of y'all just finish talking about how "masculine and strong" bm are?

Strong, masculine men find a way to protect women and children. Supposedly, there are a LOT more of these so-called good bm than there are DBRbm, or so they CLAIM. What good are these "good" bm if they stand by covering up their heads like muu-mus? I won't applaud, support, defend, or uplift them since they're not there for bw and black children.

Bw really need to vet every bm in every area of life now. Many of these men are making tracks on our backs, riding on bw, stepping on bw as they uplift themselves at bw's expense with any RECIPROCITY. Nowhere in your comment did you mention reciprocity. That tells me EVERYTHING I need to know about you. You just showed yourself as one of the many bm enabling, bm defending, anti bw folks out there.

The fact is that "good" bm are benefitting BIGTIME from the surplus of bw who are looking for a bm. They're very busy sexing and using bw too and you KNOW that. You're just a typical enabler and defender of these predators who's just trying to keep bw CONFUSED and worshipping at the altar of black men by trying to stir up a pity party for bm. Plenty of these so-called "good bm" get scholarships and other resources from blacks and take those resources into other communities, which drains these black neighborhoods of the resources largely supplied by bw.

Let me repeat: Many of these so-called "good" black men are basically useless to bw and black children. They're beneffitting from what the DBRbm do to bw because when bw are used, abused, beaten down, and made to feel unattractive, it's a lot easier for the "good" bm to get them without bringing anything to their table. Many times, these are the types of bw with self-esteem issues who chase after these bm which raises the demand for ALL bm and their value to other women. Plenty of these "good" bm have nothing to offer a woman, yet they have a harem of women of all races. We KNOW this by now. I blogged about this phenomenon of the "good" bm in 2006.

How many times have we heard a bw say about a so-called "good" bm, "Well, at least he ain't in and out of jail," or "at least he's not running around hitting folks in the head." Or "at least, he's not on drugs!" This is what many bw consider a "good" bm to be these days and if he even says he wants to go to school, he gets all kinds of praise for simply **saying** that. LOL! I just came from church where the congregation stands and applauds bm who say they plan to marry their babymama or if he says he wants to live right, or if he says he wants to go to school. SMH He doesn't even have to do these things. All he has to do is **say** he wants to do it and some folks will almost prostrate before him.

There are lots of good bw too, but these good bm stand by and allow the DBRs to savage us. It's way past time for bw to really define precisely what constitutes a "good" bm.

Plenty of these "good" bm stay very quiet about these predators preying on bw and children. I know I NEVER hear or read about "good" bm pointing out the predators. My grandmother used to say that the "cloaker is just as bad as the rogue," which means that if you shield a thief, you're no better than the thief.

This is why I think we badly need to make some divisions between bw like me for whom the door must swing both ways or I cannot be guilted into uplifting any bm or supporting/protecting/defending him in any way. In other words, I'm indifferent to those "good" bm because they're indifferent towards me and other "good" bw.

However, if you are a bw, I WANT those "good" bm to know who you are and we'll see whether your naivete will prevent them from preying on you. As a matter of fact, send me your name and address so I can list you as the prey #1 because when the predators come looking, you can bet that those good bm will remain quiet (just like they are now) and stand aside so that the predators can get easy access to you, just as they're standing aside now.

Sophisticatedblkwoman said...

"WE GOT NEXT

2012

SEE YOU ALL IN LONDON!"

Okay, don't forget Sweden ladies!

Selena said...

There was King Solomon and the Queen of Sheba. The bible does not make mention of an intimate relationship between the two, but the Quran and Ethiopian Orthodox legend do. Not only did they have a relationship, she also gave him a son. Moses was married to a Cushite. Actor Robert De Niro has been known to have a preference for BW. All of the wives of John Wayne were Latinas and Marlon Brando was known to have a preference for asian women. If memory serves, Dorthy Dandridge was married a WM.

Crime boss Dultch Shultz was said to have a black girlfriend. Diana Ross was given the script detailing the relationship because she agreed to play the part. Ryan O'neal was chosen to play the role of Dutch. Unfortunately the movie was canned due to funding issues.

Source:
http://panachereport.com/channels/hip%20hop%20gallery/Rapclassified.htm

Anonymous said...

I am awake.

That's good.

I just don't see GOOD black men as the enemy.

Which is common sense.

Nor do I want to make good men pay for the actions of others. I will continue to support programs that UPLIFT the community.

If you still believe a "black community" that is supportive and protecting of BOTH genders EQUALLY exists, go right ahead. Others have a different opinion and will support programs that uplift those who continue to get the short end of the stick. Which is black women.

Will I marry a DBR to uplift the community?? No. But seriously I would rather black men be educated than stuck on the streets being a menance to themselves, me and society.

Do what you want with your resources. Others will do what they please with theirs. And remember, just because a black man is educated, doesn't mean that he's not a menace. There are plenty of DBR white supremacist oriented black men who are well educated and CONTINUE to harm black women in thought and deed.

I refuse the harden my heart against good people over the actions of not good people.

And you shouldn't. Just don't assume that someone is good, just because they share your complexion.

JUDGE ALL PEOPLE, whether male or female, on their ACTIONS alone.

Evia said...

I deliberately posted the "I am Awake" Anon's comments because of the teachable moment those comments allow. So rest assured that their comments didn't slip past me.

There are MANY confusing troll-like people like this among bw in black social circles and in black neighborhoods. These people are very anti-bw because they keep bw confused and this confusion prevents bw from doing what's in the best interests of bw. Those bw, instead, just continue doing what they've always done which is anti-bw and pro-bm.

In order to keep as many bw as possible confused and paralyzed, this Anon is using the strawman argument that "You shouldn't punish "good" people for what bad people do." DUH!! In criminal law, people who shield bad people or remain quiet while bad people do bad things can be arrested for 'conspiracy' and can get a stiff prison sentence.

Please google and read about all of the strawman arguments and their variations. These arguments have been working with some bw out there and this is why this Anon has used it here. Please help to make sharper about all of the tactics used against us.

cool_splash1 said...

"Actor Robert De Niro has been known to have a preference for BW. All of the wives of John Wayne were Latinas and Marlon Brando was known to have a preference for asian women. If memory serves, Dorthy Dandridge was married a WM."

You know and that's the thing, because if it hadn't of been for this blog I wouldn't have none that Robert De Niro was married to a black woman (women) or that he loved black women. And I noticed that in docus about John Wayne they never show his wives just children and grandchildren I wonder why?.lol

"I know that some softhearted, self-sacrificial bw out there will read this say that we bw have to try to "save all of our people." LOL! Not me! I'm willing to provide info or knowledge, but I'm not willing to argue and fight with every woman who just happens to have lots of melanin in her skin, to save her. If she's trying to help herself, I will support her to the hilt and I strongly encourage other bw to do the same, but if she's DETERMINED to go down with the "down" crowd, she's off my list."

I know I couldn't. That's when I was working at Whataburger. Another friend and I couldn't understand the logic in that he gotta be down crap. She was with a bm at the time, but she told me she'd dated Columbians, Asians etc. and neither were down, thugs etc. What's even more sad is the other girl (the one saying all this crap)was around a 16 year impressional girl who's father is hispanic (we didn't realize this until one day he came in looking for her, this was after he pops came)and I'm like both her and her brother are from bwhm and this chick is saying this around a teenager for one thing.

I've worked at Dell where someone pulled the most heinous prank on me just because I didn't just talk to black people. Grown women are acting like this. But jobs working on the floors of Dell, Pearsons, IBM, Samsung (12 hours 5 days no way coverd in a suit.lol) etc are a good way to meet people from many nationalities. But that's also where you meet dbr self destructive bw and bm as well. Essentially the freaking black thought police. But what's a trip though is that the bw would only want the so called down bm would there would be good bm and good non bm vying for their attention. They wanted the loosers.

cool_splash1 said...

Oh and everyone so needs to watch Primeval cause that Scottish dude is hot!!!!! I think I have something for guys of authority. Cause I'm always crushing on the leader even when he's not really the center of the story.lol

If you don't have BBC America then you can search youtube.

felicia said...

My question is this.

What good is a "good" man if they stay silent and do NOTHING to fight those who are bad?

The commentary and comments made HERE and on the other BW/WM IR blogs (along with the photos shone) have done FAR more ACTUAL good in the attempt to lift black women's spirits, raise their feelings of self-worth, and hopefully get their brains operating at a normal self-survival level than ANYTHING done of late by the supposed legions of "good brothas".

And if anyone can prove otherwise, please share.

If someone could it would actually be refreshing.

Anonymous said...

What are these acronyms? What do they mean. DBR, VET etc.

Mark Lewis said...

I want to commend Pamela for what she had to say here because this is pure wisdom:

[i]When I came up one of the reasons given to remain virgins was that [b]good men would desire them more than the 'loose' women. HOWEVER by the time I left DC at 17 I saw that they were desired ONLY TO BE CONQUERED, not that they wanted a 'good' woman.[/b] I'm so grateful I had parents that warned me about this before I became interested in dating men.[/i]

As a white man who loves and appreciates the things black women bring to a relationship, including those things not related to sex, I'm also one who has come full circle over the last dozen years in terms of who I am and who I truly wanted to become as a man. During this time of growth I have become increasingly disturbed by the culture of men...not just black men but but the male culture in general.

Each day I am surrounded and bombarded by constant pressure to conform to a cultural norm that tells me that in order to be a real man, I need to treat women like crap and disdain everything they offer not related to sex. As a father of two girls...I reject this notion in it's entirety. I'm so disgusted by what I see around me now that I've essentially withdrawn my mind from anything that does not support positive messages that fight this evil. I no longer watch sports or television and I shun the topics most men are interested in because we are proving ourselves on a wide scale to be fools at a time when our leadership is desperately needed. This means I have almost no close friendships, that connect with other males at this point in my life. Frequently I encounter men who don't know me that are shocked when they discover my resistance to their attitudes. They encounter it because I'm not shy about saying what I think.

After losing my wife four years ago I only recently began to have some strong feelings for another African American lady who I am also good friends with. Though she now knows how I feel we are remaining primarily friends at this point and she and I are focused on other things in our relationship, including friendship and business. I have so much respect for her and it feels so great to me that our relationship can grow slowly so that she can see who I really am, not who I might try to convince her I am. This allows me to also get to know her as my friend and as a woman...not a sex object. This is absolutely liberating.

I've asked God to let her view me with complete transparency so she makes her decisions based on truth, not falsehood...and so I am also held accountable for being what I should be.

Recently I had an opportunity to hear her tell me some of the things that she's been faced with as a woman, a black woman, and especially in the business world faced with disrespect from men. I didn't even realize how much she'd experienced this until she told me. It's why she wanted to make sure our lines of distinction were being clearly drawn in our relationship. Now that I understand more fully where she's coming from, it's made me even more appreciative of the opportunity to take our relationship slowly and allow God to build into our friendship what he wants before we might try to go further.

I know that the vast majority of men who might hear me say this think I'm less than them for not trying to be a playa, a thug, a ladies man...whatever...to these guys I have one thing to tell you. If you're over 30 and you still think that the value of a relationship with a special woman lies in what she can give you in bed, you're not cool...your just a fool. The true value of sisters...and all women...is found in the deep emotional intimacy you can have with these amazing creatures who don't think like you do. The pathway to loneliness for you will found in pursuing your sexual desires with a woman before you know her deeply and intimately on every other level. I would suggest you marry her first in fact...quaint as that may seem. The truth is...we as men are terrified of our own emotions...frightened of anything inside us we don't understand as violent or aggressive or tough. In other words we pursue women for sexual connections only because we fear our own inadequacy to maintain a relationship with them on their terms...legitimate terms...real love that comes from accepting our own selves first and then offering a woman the respect and dignity that rightfully belongs to her anyway. Simply put...we are weak and cowardly.

For all sisters...all women...I agree with Pamela...make absolutely certain you know a man and his true motives LONG BEFORE you become intimate with him. Most of these guys will flee from you in short order when you do this...and that's a good thing if you're looking for some true happiness.

Mark Lewis

sachab28 said...

I just got back from 4 months in the UK (Europe also) and I had a blast. I met an Irishman and we practically spent the whole time together. There were no double takes from people when we walked hand in hand down the streets. It was great. So great, that I'm moving next month to London.

Anonymous said...

Sachab28...Congratulations for breaking out of the mondane. Now, can we come and visit?

Good Luck

Ann F.

Halima said...

i think many bw feel that they cannot 'compete' in a hardnose way in society, so they have to be generous and over giving so hopefully others will see this (including God) and respond in kind. this is why the do-gooder instinct in bw is almost knee jerk.

as i was going through some information today i found this link that just almosts set me off

http://www.blackboyscan.co.uk/index.php

a black phd holder Cheron Byfield, who is female, set up this organisation with the sole aim of encouraging educational attainment among boys. Key objective being to enable black boys take up spaces in oxford and cambridge universities.

Not even one mention of encouraging our girls and strenghtening whatever little attainment they have which is not even that much more than black boys, and also falls below the national average. Nothing to look into the issues plaguing our girls around self esteem, self worth, single parenthood etc etc etc.

this is the uk where over 50% of bm, and even more of those who go to cambrige and oxford will end up with others.

Many bw are confused, and busy putting time and effort into the coffers of 'equality for blacks' (essentially equality for black men to spit on bw like the rest of society), all the while thinking they are all about community uplift. what a b^%&y joke.

If they werent so pathetic in their male identification, i would probably have a good laugh!

Keep on messing about!


Supposing I wanted to Date a White Guy...?

lola said...

I co-sign Felicia and Evia about the "good" BM thing.

The only person I can think of who went PUBLIC about the problems of "BC" and the DBRbm within the "community", wrote a book, went in churches and schools to URGE people to change is Bill Cosby. 1) He is from an OLDER generation, and 2) BM STIGMATIZED HIM. Doesn't that speak volume? Even Barack who only spoke about BM and parenthood alienated tons of BM because of THE TRUTH.

Now some MAY not like the way Bill worded his statements but he didn't lie. He also stated that BW have been MORE LOYAL TO BM than BM deserve. This man didn't get ANY support from the "tons of GOOD BM trying to do the right thing" everyone is always talking about. I see them in movies, I hear about them, but I don't SEE them in real life.

Where were the "GOOD" BM to protect R.Kelly's victims? Where were the "good" BM to protest AGAINST Dunbar Village RAPISTS?? Instead of asking for harsher treatment for white criminals, Al & the NAACP (aka our so called VOICE) asked for more lenient treatment of black criminals, I guess they didn't see the BW and her BLACK CHILD as HUMANS? I didn't hear millions (not even thousands or hundreds) of "good" BM tell AL and 'nem to stop the madness. I don't see no "good" BM stop DBRs from shouting in PUBLIC in New York that BW are nothing but B*TCHES and H*ES that deserve to be killed. Where are the thousands of "GOOD" BM who were SHOCKED by the way Yung Berg referred to BW? Where are the "good" BM who are outraged and VOCAL about the need to stop degrading BW in music? Where are the "good" BM who supported the Spelman University Ladies who stood up against Nelly?

Good? Gimme a BREAK!!!!!!!!

The day I see at least THOUSANDS of BM denouncing the poison of the "BC" I'll start believing in "good" BM. Until then anyone who believes in this "person" that everyone is talking about must be living in LaLaLand.

mekare said...

Evia,

In regards to the strawman argument, I found the following bit of information that I thought was useful:

http://www.fallacyfiles.org/strawman.html

The Straw Man is a type of Red Herring because the arguer is attempting to refute his opponent's position, and in the context is required to do so, but instead attacks a position—the "straw man"—not held by his opponent. In a Straw Man argument, the arguer argues to a conclusion that denies the "straw man" he has set up, but misses the target. There may be nothing wrong with the argument presented by the arguer when it is taken out of context, that is, it may be a perfectly good argument against the straw man. It is only because the burden of proof is on the arguer to argue against the opponent's position that a Straw Man fallacy is committed. So, the fallacy is not simply the argument, but the entire situation of the argument occurring in such a context.

Subfallacy:
As the "straw man" metaphor suggests, the counterfeit position attacked in a Straw Man argument is typically weaker than the opponent's actual position, just as a straw man is easier to defeat than a flesh-and-blood one. Of course, this is no accident, but is part of what makes the fallacy tempting to commit, especially to a desperate debater who is losing an argument. Thus, it is no surprise that arguers seldom misstate their opponent's position so as to make it stronger. Of course, if there is an obvious way to make a debating opponent's position stronger, then one is up against an incompetent debater. Debaters usually try to take the strongest position they can, so that any change is likely to be for the worse. However, attacking a logically stronger position than that taken by the opponent is a sign of strength, whereas attacking a straw man is a sign of weakness.

Anonymous said...

Thank you lola for your last statements.

Phantom Mare said...

Evia said...

"cloaker is just as bad as the rogue," which means that if you shield a thief, you're no better than the thief.
_________

I am going to use this one. *This* is called a reality check to those who live in Never Never Land.

Gloryus said...

@ Ranger John:
Ahh! The state fair! Ive been wanting to go, but I just havent planned the time or PEOPLE who want to go. I think its a very good idea to go with other people. Sometime during the end of the month is when I do plan on going. I bet you've had your fill of all the food they have there by now lol.

Anonymous said...

Evia said: "Everything is connected. I realize that your comment was meant to confuse bw and appeal to the "goodhearted" bw but I'm going to use this teachable moment to tell all of y'all that I'm 1000% opposed to bw continuing to support ANY bm's uplift of any type when there's a great probability (as bm are increasingly showing) that he's going to turn around and bite bw in the butt or use the money he makes from his education to create a life of comfort for women from other communities when it wasn't the women from the other communities who uplifted him in the first place."
___________________________________
Evia this is totally gangsta and brutal.... and on point. What you are saying has some very true basis in fact. The more educated, upwardly mobile, and wealthy a bm becomes the more likely he is to marry outside of his race. I know there are some stats out there but I am just a little too lazy today to go fishing for them.

I refuse to fund and bankroll my only marginalization, denigration and annilhation therefore, you will never see me buying anything from Puffy (rarely if ever used bw in his advestising for the cologne line), Kobe, I don't watch BET because of the material presented and the fact that they are phasing bw out for latinas - they even seem to be doing this on my local radio channels (WTF?!?), etc. I let my $$$$ do the talking and the walking.

I always wondered if Oprah chose to open an all-girls school in S. Africa as opposed to a boys school or even a co-ed school just for this very reason. I remember a 60minutes profile on this South African BM who was jailed during apartheid, was released years later, fought with Mandela for dismantling of the apartheid system, went into business and made millions and then did what .... married a white south african woman. I did believe that love is love, but this goes beyond that, it is the pathology of the black man. I wonder how many ex-concentration camp Jewish survivors fell in love with the daughters of Nazis?

With regards to the black church, I knew the black church was the bunk when year after year I kept seeing more unmarried 'sistas' from my former church having kid after kid out of wedlock and not a single word from the preacher, probably from fear of the collection plate coming in a bit 'light'. It just started to shock me that there wasn't more of a push to stop kids being born from outside the bonds of marriage and stem the growing AIDS rates among BW.

Back on a more positive tip, when are we going to Europe?

EmergingPhoenix said...

The supposed "good bm" are the ones fighting against us. They are the ones attacking this site and others like it. They are the ones, spreading rumors about women like us, in order to keep us in our places.

In their minds they are justified, because they feel that we are traitors. In reality, they are using excuses to defend their very real attacks on us. What's worse is the mammy brigade, is helping them. If you go over to Pinky's blog right now, you will see what a good bm can come up with on his own. However, with the help of the mammy brigade, he can actually construct a lethal force. I think it is very important that if you voice these opinions, that you realize the extent to which people will go to destroy you.

I am someone who likes to see how far people will take it, so a lot of times I go along just to see if there is a limit. It always amazes me, because I could never bring myself to do ANY of the things these people feel are fair game. What I have seen, is horrendous, and there is no limit to how far they will go to silence us. So please be aware when you voice these opinions, that a lot of these people are literally the functionally insane.

Right now "good bm" are doing everything in their power to keep us in the box, rather than fight to defend bw, or step up to the role of protectorate.

Anonymous said...

You know and that's the thing, because if it hadn't of been for this blog I wouldn't have none that Robert De Niro was married to a black woman (women) or that he loved black women. And I noticed that in docus about John Wayne they never show his wives just children and grandchildren I wonder why?.lol
___________________________________
I do believe there is a media conspiracy to keep bw/wm unions under wraps. Hell, I never would have known DeNiro was married or even had kids. Granted I do believe that DeNiro is a very private person, however, when has that every stopped the media?

When they talk about Brad Pitt and his prior girlfriends they rarely if ever mention Robin Givens or that Brit chick. This also do this with George Clooney. No mention of him having dated the black girl from Head of The Class.

Gerard Butler is allegedly dating a black model right now and some say they have been dating for some time now, no pics, no mention, no story. However, when he was merely seen in the presence of Cameron Diaz all of a sudden, they were this 'hot couple' and the media were damn near stalking him to see if they could get pics. And we all know about his comment of loving bw. It never made it to the larger press like ET, Access Hollywood, etc. I bet if it was about loving blonds, brunettes, or even to some extent latinas it would have been reported. If it hadn't been for the internet, I would never known.

This is why Evia's sidebar and Sara's sidebar are so vitally important. So ladies as soon as you get some new scoop or news don't hesitate to send it to one of those wonderful ladies because goodness knows the 'larger media' sure as hell won't.

Aphrodite said...

Evia, I love the way that you take a troll's post and use it as a teaching tool


Miss One I am wishing you all the best!



I have really enjoyed reading the posts that the men (Ranger John and Mark Lewis) made. They sound so nice and sensitive.


Maybe Gavin DeBecker should be required reading for all BW especially the young ones.

Golden Silence said...

"When they talk about Brad Pitt and his prior girlfriends they rarely if ever mention Robin Givens or that Brit chick."

What British chick? And yes, Robin Givens dated/dates interracially. She also dated her HOTC co-star Brian Robbins, who played Eric. (And Brian Robbins was into dating Black women as well---he also dated Holly Robinson and is currently married to a Black woman. They have two kids together.)

"They also do this with George Clooney. No mention of him having dated the black girl from Head of The Class."

That's Kimberly Russell. I've seen photos of them---they looked cute together.

felicia said...

Cosigning EVERYTHING you said Emergingphoenix.

The functionally insane is the PERFECT term for them.

Any black/biracial woman IR married/dating has unfortunately already come in contact with this disturbed population at some point in their life (or will).

It's best to ignore them but at the same time ALWAYS be aware of them and where they are in physical relation to you and especially your children if you have them.

They can be dangerous and unpredictable so one must always be able to react intelligently and quickly if need be.

The BAD thing is, it's the current "keeping it real" current black "culture" (ANTI-culture) that is producing these sociopaths. The GOOD thing is, the majority of men both in America, Canada, and Western Europe come from actual WORKING LIVING cultures.

And THESE white and other NON DBRBM are the ones intelligent, attractive, and sane black and biracial women are increasingly setting their sites on.

And it's about time. DECADES overdue to be honest.

TRUST ladies, good white men - and other non DBRBM - who are the RIGHT husband and father material - are just WAITING for the green light.

Only YOU can give it to them.

THINK, LIVE, LOVE, and PROCREATE WISELY.

IntheGarden said...

Hello Ladies,

Living in Europe has always been a dream of mine and it's wonderful to know that there are plenty of African American women doing just that. But I rarely hear about how they accomplished that( although I know that some met a European man and then moved) I know that moving to another country isn't exactly easy and there is often a time limit(like 6 months stay in the UK).
What are some avenues for doing this? HOW does one do this? I'm rather clueless. I don't think I have any in demand skills, particularly. And I'm way past college age, although I sometimes think of getting another degree.
To complicate things my family has a fair amount of rental properties and my mother is getting on in age( in her 80's, but active) and I fear I may need to stay here. I kind of feel as if I'm trapped here in the US.
Does anyone have any info about how people are doing this?
thanks.

Selena said...

@ Inthegarden,

Forensic Mommy is involved in a site for bw Expats. I think its Black women in Europe I believe. Evia may have a link on her main page.

The blog discusses job opportunities for bw, passports, living,ect.

Forensic Mommy where are you?

Ranger John said...

Gloryus, actually, I have never been to the State Fair. Maybe one day I will go.

I did not know that Brad Pitt and George Clooney dated BW. I had read somewhere that Dolph Lundgren had dated Grace Jones. It is more examples that WM are attracted to BW. Like I said before, don't drink the kool-aid.

PioneerValleyWoman said...

@ PVW

I am not familiar with this. Was the report intended to be a helpful thing?

My reply:

The Moynihan report was a federal government report which discussed the black community, its situation, and what might be done to improve. This was around 1964.

Well-meaning liberals that supported it in Congress and elsewhere claimed it was worthwhile, in that the intent was to indicate the places where policy could be implemented.

What did the report say? In a nutshell:

1. Black families are dysfunctional, compared to white families.

2. They are dysfunctional because the are matriarchies, meaning women comprise the head of household, because they have more job opportunities.

3. In order to reverse the dysfunction, improve the conditions of black men, for example, through jobs and so forth.

Conservatives today use it as a means of again, discussing that in the 1960s, the harbingers of what we see today were already indicated: matriarchal families, headed by single mothers, generations of women on assistance (pre welfare reform).

Some black nationalist types argued the report criticized black people for the coping mechanisms they have needed as a result of discrimination. White racism caused black men's condition to worsen; white racism caused black women to have to work. Yet, they were criticized for not being like whites.

Other black nationalist types used the report to argue that black women were too strong and needed to tone it down. For those who wanted white women, here was the evidence that black women were not good enough.

Moreover, they began to argue that historically black women had much more advantages than black men; racism did not affect them as much. As a result, they needed to step back to enable black men to shine. Once they did so, they would become acceptable queens for their kings.

These nationalists didn't see that such arguments only resulted in black men and women fighting each other in the oppression sweepstakes. They didn't see that failing to recognize sexism in the community did the same thing. But in their selfishness, black liberation meant black men's liberation exclusively, but they masqueraded it as black liberation for all people.

All this was used to make black women feel guilty for their hard work and success in the face of racism and sexism. Apparently, their success was an affront to black men.

Some crazies even went so far as to say that black women colluded with white men to bring black men down, since dating back to slavery, they had greater access to white men through jobs and sexually, as though black women in slavery did not deal with sexual assault and coercion. Yes, they said, black women just wanted to chill with Mr. Charlies and bring the black man down.

What is important is that we can hear all these types of arguments today.

Mary said...

“I just got back from 4 months in the UK (Europe also) and I had a blast. I met an Irishman and we practically spent the whole time together. There were no double takes from people when we walked hand in hand down the streets. It was great. So great, that I'm moving next month to London.”

Sachab28, I’m so jealous of you. I really want to go to Europe, be somewhere where I can be free to be myself and not have to “be” black or “act” black; someplace where I can just “be” me and “act” like myself, that’s my goal


“i think many bw feel that they cannot 'compete' in a hardnose way in society, so they have to be generous and over giving so hopefully others will see this (including God) and respond in kind. this is why the do-gooder instinct in bw is almost knee jerk.”

I agree with you Halima, people expect us to be such burden of beasts, hard bi!ches or something negative that the only way we can prove that we’re nice is by being overly nice and consistently be nice, meaning give give give, saying yes yes yes consistently


The more educated, upwardly mobile, and wealthy a bm becomes the more likely he is to marry outside of his race.

This is very true Anon, also, the more educated, the more likely they are to be promiscuous and be players. With other men, education tames them, opens their minds, turns them into critical thinkers and makes them aware of what is important, with many bm, nope, they become more obnoxious, more promiscuous and players. How many times have yall seen bm introduce themselves as, “I’m an educated bm”, when is the last time a wm, a bw, or even a ww introduced themselves by saying, I’m an educated blah blah


“you will never see me buying anything from Puffy (rarely if ever used bw in his advestising for the cologne line)”

His commercials always stood out to me too, he would have the farthest thing from bw, like amazingly blond women, not just blond women, amazingly blond women. But puffy sucks though, he always has


“I wonder how many ex-concentration camp Jewish survivors fell in love with the daughters of Nazis?”

Wow, Anon, this statement is absolutely brilliant, what a good analogy! it just demonstrates the neurosis many bm have. obviously, jewish men have enough pride and common sense not to worship the women that also actively persecuted them, at least not so publically as bm. Bm, as usual are weak-minded and follow the easy way out, like pursing and worshiping other women, uplifting other women, instead of taking an effective leadership position in their own communities. Don’t you think its ironic how strife and persecution made Jewish men stronger, while strife and persecution emasculated bm. I think it speaks volumes as to what type of men they are



“When they talk about Brad Pitt and his prior girlfriends they rarely if ever mention Robin Givens or that Brit chick. This also do this with George Clooney. No mention of him having dated the black girl from Head of The Class.”

I think the media caters to ww because they are the buyers but also, because they are the daughters, mothers, girlfriends and wives of the powerful men, the men that are in control. Simple as that. That is why bw need to align with strong men yall, sorry to say, but it’s been a man’s world for a LONG time, and that probably is not going to end any time soon. Many bw have worked hard all of their lives, yet no one has any respect for us because the general concensus is that men should be the ones working for their women, not the other way around. Bw have always suffered because of their association with weak men ie slavery, jim crow, apartheid and whatever 2008 is. All of these instances where men fighting amongst each other, pounding on their chests, stuff like that. The women in the winner’s group (white women) are thriving, so is their children, the women of the loser’s group, (black women) are suffering, and have been suffering for a long time.


“This is why Evia's sidebar and Sara's sidebar are so vitally important. So ladies as soon as you get some new scoop or news don't hesitate to send it to one of those wonderful ladies because goodness knows the 'larger media' sure as hell won't.”

The pictures are incredibly important, most human beings are visual and a pictures says a thousand words. The first times I was on these blog and I would show my little sister these pictures, she was shocked. I was shocked that she was shocked. This girl actually said she didn’t know black women married men that was not black. Do yall see how soon little children pick up on social cues. Anyways, just recently, I showed her the picture of that Michael Steger guy (he’s in the cheetah girls movie) with his bw fiance. My sister was like “okay” , she’s so used to it now, seeing pictures of happy bw with nonbm that she doesn’t care anymore. Chris brown used to be her favorite, now its Nick and Joe Jonas, the picture sidebars are extremely important


“I kind of feel as if I'm trapped here in the US.”

Me too.

Aphrodite said...

"It just started to shock me that there wasn't more of a push to stop kids being born from outside the bonds of marriage and stem the growing AIDS rates among BW."



You know anon this would have been a good thing for the church to have done especially seeing how BW women suffer the most whether they have HIV or OOW children.


Maybe it was the the fear of the coffers getting light and the pool of exploitable women decreasing.

Anonymous said...

I think the media caters to ww because they are the buyers but also, because they are the daughters, mothers, girlfriends and wives of the powerful men, the men that are in control. Simple as that. That is why bw need to align with strong men yall, sorry to say, but it’s been a man’s world for a LONG time, and that probably is not going to end any time soon. Many bw have worked hard all of their lives, yet no one has any respect for us because the general concensus is that men should be the ones working for their women, not the other way around. Bw have always suffered because of their association with weak men ie slavery, jim crow, apartheid and whatever 2008 is. All of these instances where men fighting amongst each other, pounding on their chests, stuff like that. The women in the winner’s group (white women) are thriving, so is their children, the women of the loser’s group, (black women) are suffering, and have been suffering for a long time.



YOU NAILED IT MARY! I'M EXTENDING YOU A CYBER FIST BUMP GIRL!

As long as black women stupidly continue to support weak men (and most BM have definitely proven themselves in various ways to be weak in various ways) they will continue to suffer.

A woman's position - and her children - are DIRECTLY related to the position of her man.

Black men's position globally is WEAK and will CONTINUE to be, do to self-hatred, laziness, self-centerdness, greed, and a deification of white and other light women.

It's been this way for CENTURIES and will always be the case.

If black women want to change their image for the better, and want to live the higher quality of life that white women enjoy and take for granite, their going to have to align themselves with the most POWERFUL and strongest group of men, instead of the LEAST powerful, and weakest.

Most women the world over already know this.

In THIS world, a woman's position is directly related to the status of the man she marries.

And most sista's aren't even marrying these weak minded men they've tried (and failed) to prop up.SMH

Unmarried females of ANY color who continue to bare children by low-positioned weak minded males will ALWAYS suffer.

And so will their innocent children.

Fist bumping you Mary! You've put two and two together.

lormarie said...

I love this post. Honestly ladies, I think that the lower rate of IR dating/marriage for black American women is due largely to our resistance rather than non black men. That is not to say that all non black men desire black women. It is to say that black women are more closed minded than anyone else (men or women). If more of us were open to it, our numbers would be higher. However, why are black women more likely to be in interracial relationships in Europe? I'm going to give my personal opinion. White European males are more sexually appealing to my eyes than white American men. I do find some American white men attractive though. I can't place my finger on the reason why European men are more exciting to me. It isn't because I feel they are less racist. I'm quite sure that an American racist is probably less attractive than a European racist. Don't take that too seriously, just making a point, LOL. To sum it all up, I don't blame black women in Europe for engaging in IR dating or even marriage. If I were over there, I'd do the same.

mekare said...

PVW Said:

"All this was used to make black women feel guilty for their hard work and success in the face of racism and sexism. Apparently, their success was an affront to black men.

Some crazies even went so far as to say that black women colluded with white men to bring black men down, since dating back to slavery, they had greater access to white men through jobs and sexually, as though black women in slavery did not deal with sexual assault and coercion. Yes, they said, black women just wanted to chill with Mr. Charlies and bring the black man down."

OMG PVW! that is exactly what I have dealt with and I am trying to break down the barriers to this.

I talked about a situation similar to this on my blog called Black Women Moving Forward. Here is the link:

http://bwmovingforward.blog.co.in/

The title of my post was called "Your Career Is Not Why You Are Single."

I wanted to convey to black women and girls that going to college and their careers are NOT why they are single. Also, I talked abou some of the barriers that they encounter.

Anyways, this ties into what you wrote above because black women ARE always told to tone it down, "hand over the keys to a bm," that they "love the white man" by going to college, ect ect. Some bm will even say they despise bw because they listen to their white boss over the black man???

One thing I want to deal with is the Moynihan report. I have never found a way to crack the Moynihan Report and the intense guilt I felt until yesterday after readings Khadija's post on Evia's blog.

Also, we need to tackle how we should react in the face of white response. White people are going to say something about bw liberating ourselves and we have to deal with that. Just so we don't feel guilted in protecting the poor bm again and giving them undeserved credit.

If you want to talk more about this so we can find solutions to arm ourselves, you can stop on by.

Evia said...

I think the media caters to ww because they are the buyers but also, because they are the daughters, mothers, girlfriends and wives of the powerful men, the men that are in control.

So TRUE! This is why I'm totally against bw blaming ww and speak out against it. It's just a waste of time. Ww are simply taking advantage of their position in the world. Whenever I hear of read about bw griping about ww, it clearly shows me that bw don't really understand how the dots are connected in the world. None of that griping is going to make ww budge on giving up their position in the world.

Instead of bw slamming ww, they need to be trying to focus on using our assets shrewdly to gain leverage and move on up in the world. Trying to pull other women down is a losing strategy for bw, especially with the way the dots are connected.

Simple as that. That is why bw need to align with strong men yall, sorry to say, but it’s been a man’s world for a LONG time, and that probably is not going to end any time soon.

Yep, the patriarchy is firmly in control the world over because men look out for their interests and promote what they consider to be THEIR interests, whatever that might be MOST OF THE TIME.

Many bw have worked hard all of their lives, yet no one has any respect for us because the general concensus is that men should be the ones working for their women, not the other way around.

That's definitely the model that MOST people follow. Men provide and protect. Period. There has to be a division of labor. Women can't protect and provide, and have babies, and nurture the family, etc. etc. In any group where that kind of load is on women, I can guarantee you that group is NOT going to thrive.

This is why I tell AA women to mate out or die out! From what I'm hearing and seeing now, if I weren't already in a fulfilling marriage, I'd be planning to leave this country and move to Europe or whereever Quality and interested men are available. As the saying goes: "where there's a will, there's a way."

However, I believe there are also many wm in THIS country who are interested because all of the wm and other non-bm I dated were in this country.

So I'm definitely CO-SIGNING all you said, Mary! Now don't you start holding back. LOL!!!

You have a very refreshing view on this whole situation, and I love it that you're saying it. You don't engage in magical thinking about bw's plight in the world, and I LOVE it! But you are a continental African woman or have been heavily influenced by the mindset of at least SOME African women. Your thinking to me is just common sense and "as plain as the nose on your face," as my grandmom used to say. SOME AA women think the SAME way we do, but they don't dare say it out loud. Other AAs would pounce on them emotionally and even in some cases physically. They would become socially ostracized--even excommunicated permanently in some places and would be stripped of the meager support system they have. That's the penalty for speaking out, as an AA woman. I've always positioned myself to be beyond the penalty of the small minds of many AAs.

If AA women had more SUPPORT, we would become a force to be reckoned with and this is why so many AA men continuously beat AA women down. They feel VERY threatened. Many AA men feel threatened by me and that's one reason I've stayed clear of them. I don't want any man who's afraid of me. I know you've slammed a lot of African men too, but the fact is that I had a wonderful experience with my Nigerian ex-husband. He was NEVER threatened by me or any AA woman, for that matter. I didn't ever need to walk on tiptoes around him and that's for sure.

Darren, my present husband is very laid-back, almost the opposite of my ex-husband personality wise, and is an intellectual, but he's very strong-minded, and effective and I LOVE that. That, to me, means strength and virility. I'm not attracted to physically muscular men with weak brains. Muscles and big bodies are simply muscles and big bodies. There's no connection between them and REAL strength.

I totally AGREE that bw need to ONLY be with strong-brained, viable men. IF more bw the world over thought the way you do, a heck of a lot of bw would ALL be Living Well.

Delishmish said...

Just an observation:

I have spent a lot of time overseas, both living and working...and I realize I have an absolute advantage in that, BUT I do want to remind everyone that you do not have to go overseas to find your mate if you live in America (for instance)

That is a lot of pressure to put on oneself. Take trips and be available to travel of course, and know you will get much attention..but things are not always instantaneous (be aware that the grass is not always greener on the other side) Among the relationships I have had with men who were European, two of them I met in America. (Sorry, bad construction of a sentence..but I'm too lazy to reconstruct it)

I just "worry" that some women will think they will find a man the second they step off/on the plane..IT COULD HAPPEN..but go because you wish to explore another land and culture, not with the sole intention of capturing a man.

Remember, the stars have to be aligned for you to meet your mate. You must be feeling good, and you must be ready...so keep taking care of yourself. When you "look" good you feel good...but do it for YOU.

There are lots of guys here in the U S of A who can help you achieve your dreams and who would love to be a part of them. College campuses are a great place to start. I am still friends with guys who I went to college with, who are now married, and who I NEVER realized were so very interested in me. These are ordinary, but successful men, who MAKE GREAT HUSBANDS. I only just realized that ww are programmed to find their mate in college..this is a smart thing to do.... if you read this, and that is where you are..take note.

so don't write off the American men just yet..it could be fun to instruct him..men are still men, no matter what country they come from.

but STILL pack your bags and travel.

One more thing:
I hope no one would interpret my grass is not always greener on the other side statement as a pro date BM only (rofl) Since we are in this forum and you all don't know moi, I must further explain. I have NEVER restricted myself to one group of men. I was always the ODD girl..lol (but I must assure you I am not odd at all. .)..when I speak of the grass as being greener, I am really referring to all Proper/ Quality men who I would be contemplating inserting into my dating pool on this side of the world...My view is that we are one race..the human race..with individuals who come from different places....and those different people can come from another continent(s)...

hence "the other side."

Any questions?

Phantom Mare said...

Just to update you all... There are a few email addies and snail mail addresses of major networks including BET.

http://ebonywatchwomen.blogspot.com

Christine said...

The world around has taken notice that more black women are aware that we have more options for dating and marrying outside of the black man.

This poor soul is actually warning white women that black women are stealing "their" men. He is telling them we are taking the ones that they want. LOL

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fFt0f9UH4_8&feature=related

Now he is either threatened or he is just a bitter misogynist.

One thing is for sure we must take heart and be goal oriented and determined to live the best life possible. But nothing will just happen if we fail to plan we plan to fail.

For ourselves and for our children planning is essential just like air.

I remember when I was dating I always asked myself when I dated a new man if I could see this man as the father of my future children.

If I doubted his ability in any way I moved on quickly. Especially when I hit my late twenties time was of the essence.

I did things to make myself age gracefully also like exercising. I exercised my mind as well. One of my favorite hobbies is visiting the museums. I love art! Those are also great places to meet smart men. I also took many cooking classes to learn new cuisines.

And I rid my life of the pessimist.

Like Evia said, smart men make better husbands as they provide better for their families and insure that their children will be positioned to live well.

My husbands father is a physicists so he learned at a very early age to love math. He thinks it is beautiful.

My husband is a mathematician. My children will also love math because my husband talks about it all the time. We have four computers in the house he built all of them except for the laptop. It's his hobby.

I am not saying this to brag but to bring home the point that smart men are more attractive and better providers and good role models for their children.

I have a strategy for obtaining goals I'd like to share with everyone later. I have to go now, today is my husbands birthday, we are taking him to dinner.

Live Well

Mary said...

“All this was used to make black women feel guilty for their hard work and success in the face of racism and sexism. Apparently, their success was an affront to black men. “


the line that really argravates me is the “white men put black women in control because they’re intimidated by black men”. In other words, WE, us black women, are supposedly not threatening at all in terms of success and power. Wtf, people are only physically intimidated by black men, and nothing else. but with the way they talk about themselves, you would think they’re this super powerful men that white men have to constantly scheme against or them will take over. This is when I have to say, negro please! Wm are NOT concerned about you! if anyone, they’re concerned about asian men, whom btw are physically smaller than both bm and wm, but look how much of a threat they’re posing to wm!!! Btw, asian men do not hate on asian women, if anything, it’s the other way around, but still they’re kicking butt


“Women can't protect and provide, and have babies, and nurture the family, etc. etc. In any group where that kind of load is on women, I can guarantee you that group is NOT going to thrive.”

And funny enough, that’s how our group is, so we should not be surprised at what’s going on with blacks ALL OVER THE WORLD. most of our men are utterly useless but we’re still holding on, and the result is that black women, children and countries are suffering for it.


"This is why I tell AA women to mate out or die out! From what I'm hearing and seeing now, if I weren't already in a fulfilling marriage, I'd be planning to leave this country and move to Europe or whereever Quality and interested men are available. As the saying goes: "where there's a will, there's a way."

When I finish school in the next few years and I’m still single, meaning I don’t have an engagement ring on my finger, girl yes, I will be moving to Europe. I definitely, I’m not meant to be single.


“I know you've slammed a lot of African men too, but the fact is that I had a wonderful experience with my Nigerian ex-husband. He was NEVER threatened by me or any AA woman, for that matter.”

that’s the thing with African men, they’re either really good or they’re really bad. If they’re good, they’re really good and you are a very lucky woman, they will take care of you and protect you. But if they are bad, giirrrlll, brace yourself for some serious nonsense. I can’t help but notice the nonsense some of them do, especially when dealing with AA women. I just wanted to warn AA women because African men usually will treat a woman based on how she allows them to treat her, and I hate to say this, but many AA women tend to give a lot of slack to bm and African men, and that’s not good. I’ve actually had great experiences with African men, especially Nigerians/igbo , but only because I can’t stand nonsense. men do gauge women to see what they can get away with. The only bad “relationship” I’ve had in my life lasted for two weeks and HE broke up with me after I’d cursed him out one too many times in those two weeks. LOL But he didn’t behave himself so why should I. LOL


“I only just realized that ww are programmed to find their mate in college..this is a smart thing to do.... if you read this, and that is where you are..take note.”

Delish you have a point there. I remember the first time I heard that some women went to med school JUST to find a husband, I instantly thought about ww and how stupid they were. But awhile ago, I was talking with a cousin of mine, and we were talking about how ww might not be that dumb. I mean, for goodness’ sake, they are the mothers of the dominant group of men, and not only that, they have always been treated gently and placed on a pedestal, especially compared to the rest of the women on earth. I hate to say this, but ww did have a hand in shaping how they were treated, cause I’m sure wm did not wake up one day and say ‘you know what, we’re going to be gentlemen, treat our female counterparts gently, and work our butts off FOR them, in THEIR honor’. So you know what, thanks to ww, i’m going to med school with that mentality of finding that “special” one.

And that’s the thing I’ve noticed about white people, they love to PLAN for stuff, organization is the ish in their opinions. I would say we blacks are definitely more relaxed and fun people, but the world has changed and we have to interact with whites. They are definitely picking up on our fun-loving, relaxed ways, so we need to pick up on their extreme planning habits and be more organized.

I’m just saying this because even though I consider myself to be very careful about my future, I NEVER considered where, when and how I would met my mate. I just thought I would meet him somewhere, someday!! Meanwhile other women are having educational and spousal goals.

Evia said...

@ Christine re:

Like Evia said, smart men make better husbands as they provide better for their families and insure that their children will be positioned to live well.

OMG! This is just plain ole common sense, isn't it? It really isn't of earth-shattering brilliance, YET many women these days don't seem to realize it and instead consider men with muscles to be better mates and fatherhood material????? LOL!!

We live in the INFORMATION AGE--not in the age of Neanderthals. Only Neanderthal women needed men with big muscles to go out and beat animals to death for dinner and protect the piece of meat from other males. LOL! What in the world has happened to so many women--and not just bw?? Anyway, y'all can have all of those big, beefy men who spend all of that time flexing their biceps. Give me a man who can flex his BRAIN!--because I KNOW who's going to end up with the biggest piece of meat and a man with brains will figure out how to keep that meat.

Black women need to set their sights on men who spend time flexing their BRAINS. Both of my husbands are BRAINY men and that has definitely made a BIG difference in me Living Well. And I have to say this to SOME AA who are generally indoctrinated to devalue brainy men: MANY brainy men are loving and lovable men too.

@Mary re:

And funny enough, that’s how our group is, so we should not be surprised at what’s going on with blacks ALL OVER THE WORLD. most of our men are utterly useless but we’re still holding on, and the result is that black women, children and countries are suffering for it.

I'm glad you said "'MOST' of our men." Also, remember that they're not OUR men, and many of them SHOW that everyday by not doing their utmost to provide for and protect bw and children. Obviously MOST of them are not doing that.

Calling them "OUR men" is a tiny detail to some, but it's actually THE BIGGIE because many bm exploit it to the max when it's convenient. This is exactly why it's so easy for them to use and abuse bw.

If bw could stop thinking of bm as "OURS," then MOST bw would be indifferent to bm which is what's needed so that bw can look at ANY bm individually and rationally evaluate his value to her. This type of vetting is crucial when dealing with ANY man.

So to all bw who can hear what I'm saying--let's STOP referring to bm as "OUR" men because many bw get emotionally tripped up on "OUR" and get preyed on. Bw really need to change our language when we talk about bm because language controls thinking.

Let's face it: BW have been generally BETRAYED by bm. Many bw are in the predicament they're in because of that betrayal. I can't speak about what's happening between continental African men and women, but AA men have MASSIVELY betrayed AA women! They continue to use the smokescreen of 'de evil wm' somehow making them devalue and debase bw, but bw have got to ABSOLUTELY stop believing it. Folks wonder why we keep saying this, but this is what's causing so many black girls and bw to sink. No power on this earth could make me devalue my children, for ex., and if another man can cause my husband to devalue me, I don't want my husband because he is WEAK!

Mary, what you're saying points to the fact that there is a serious flaw in African culture when you evaluate the culture in the modern world. It's not prepared to deal with the modern world. But instead of re-forming the culture to meet the demands of the world in 2008, it seems that generally speaking, African culture wants to inherently remain the same. Yeah, it seems that Nigerians, for ex., build beautiful gleaming skyscrapers in Lagos, but the **thinking** to match the gleaming buildings is not changing in a way that advances their society in the world.

Re white folks planning, let's get real here. According to Ken Follets new book re the "Black Death" plague that killed half of the European population in the 14th century, it caused the Europeans to re-evaluate their existence and become determined to master pestilence and disease. That laid the groundwork for modern medicine. They knew they had to do something very different and not just be subject to anything and everything that came along. That probably laid the foundation for slavery and imperialism.

It's interesting that my ex-husband used to say that black folks are suffering because we have not suffered enough. He said that when black folks have suffered enough, we'll change our ways and not before.

Re this blog's message, just maybe many bw have not suffered enough. Maybe **I** think they've suffered enough and maybe **you** and some others think they've suffered enough, but obviously many of them don't agree. This is why there's so much foot-dragging about doing what they need to do to mate with Quality men, wherever these men are in the global village.

Pamela said...

ALL unmarried men are available for us. IMHO the only man that I can claim is mine is the man I marry. No man can claim me as his since I am unmarried. It goes both ways.

Planning and strategy are mandatory to achieve the goals we want. We must be proactive whenever possible to be prepared for trends in business in order to prosper the best way we can. In that context for a woman to do well in a marriage situation she best look for someone that is doing what it takes to be a quality man in every case, but especially when it comes to having smarts. Even those men that make money using their bodies (thinking sports careers) at some point those bodies are not going to work like they used to. They must come up with other ways of going forward financially. A smart man can get past those unexpected times of financial struggle. A smart man will not lay down and die but press forward. I have walked through this myself so I know that you can lose a job and have problems for a time and with God's help come out of it. Bottom line is that the brains should be more important for women. The idea that men with more brains are not as fun is a serious stereotype that must be rooted out of our minds. The fellows that I hang around with are all accomplished men in some form and I absolutely enjoy them. Finances is an area that we must look at since this tends to be one of the issues that break up marriages.

The last thing I want is to be pulling along a man that has no initiative in bettering himself. I'll stay by myself.

Delishmish said...

According to Ken Follets new book re the "Black Death" plague that killed half of the European population in the 14th century, it caused the Europeans to re-evaluate their existence and become determined to master pestilence and disease. That laid the groundwork for modern medicine. They knew they had to do something very different and not just be subject to anything and everything that came along. That probably laid the foundation for slavery and imperialism.

................
Yes Evia..and much of that knowledge of these "new ways" came from the "dark continent"..as the Crusades were occurring at the same time, and the Age of Enlightenment was beginning...as is ours (not mine..I was already there..but I always seek further enlightenment)

Hence, this is what we have been doing here..laying the foundation...some are stronger than others..but new buildings are going up at a tremendous rate..but our foundations must be solid..

Off topic- but this is part of living well because we must also have knowledge of circumstances OTHER than our own.

Ken Follett writes magnificent detailed books that really draw you in..so I am going to have to get this one @ the bubonic plague. Pillars of the Earth was also really intriguing...peoples of the earth have really suffered...now, some of us cause our own suffering... and even though I have not "spoken" to them..I feel certain that our ancestors did not suffer, so that BW should continue to suffer in 2008..you must also be interested in the world beyond the fabled non existent BC...that includes kbowing the histories of the world, and keeping up with current events outside of mediatakeout.--- ( I hate to give them a plug..lol)

CW said...

Once hearing this type of comment for what it really is, there should be no other feeling but pity, offense or indifference...

“All this was used to make black women feel guilty for their hard work and success in the face of racism and sexism. Apparently, their success was an affront to black men"

1.Implying that BW have never worked hard to acheive anything. Compounded by having to roll up our sleeves mostly due to lack of support by those who were suppose to be protectors. Those who criticize our successes only hold up a mirror to their own inadequacies

2.Simultaneously blaming WM for not doing YOUR part. It's the double-puppy reverse logic discrimination claim that troubled BM make...I've heard some say that they were not hired at companies due to not being a double-minority like BW...Ha! Don't ever try to hit this moving target...

3.And despite this, many continue still not to pull their own weight, so the choice is clear: Either wait around for people to get their act together, or detach yourself and move forward...
----------------------------

Everyone Repeat After Me:

"Who is we?"
"There is NO we!"

"If bw could stop thinking of bm as "OURS," then MOST bw would be indifferent to bm which is what's needed so that bw can look at ANY bm individually and rationally evaluate his value to her. This type of vetting is crucial when dealing with ANY man.

So to all bw who can hear what I'm saying--let's STOP referring to bm as "OUR" men because many bw get emotionally tripped up on "OUR" and get preyed on."

Phantom Mare said...

Christine said...

I did things to make myself age gracefully also like exercising. I exercised my mind as well. One of my favorite hobbies is visiting the museums. I love art! Those are also great places to meet smart men. I also took many cooking classes to learn new cuisines.

And I rid my life of the pessimist.

___________

Bingo!

Do things to improve your self-image. (Just posted on this, in the wee early morning hours)

Things won't be perfect but atleast you clear a path to an end.

Evia said...

@ Pamela--Girl! TEACH!

Re:

Even those men that make money using their bodies (thinking sports careers) at some point those bodies are not going to work like they used to. They must come up with other ways of going forward financially. A smart man can get past those unexpected times of financial struggle. A smart man will not lay down and die but press forward.

"Pressing forward" shows that a man has DRIVE. That's another CRUCIAL quality that a man must have. Tks for mentioning that. There are so many traits and subtraits that women need to be on the lookout for when they're vetting men. How does that man respond to a challenge or a momentary defeat? ALL defeats are momentary. Does that man whine endlessly about how life "ain't fair" or does he tweak his plan and press forth with an improved plan?

I've always looked for that quality in a man. That's a MUST.

One thing that many AA women have is lots of DRIVE. You can knock me down, and I may whimper and cry for a while, but I'm going to jump back up. One thing that is a constant among MANY AA women in our gab sessions is that we're constantly comparing notes, getting input from each other and anywhere else we can find it, plugging it in, tweaking the plan, and pressing forward. LOL! But that's **drive**. That's a positive, but the downside of those gab sessions is that "fear" is also put into the mix and some women get paralyzed.

I've been thinking about that "strong black woman" stereotype. I think this is what many people mean when they say that AA women are strong. They mean that we're resourceful and resilient. Those are very admirable traits to have, and we should be proud to have them, but we need to become very SELF-SERVING with those traits.

@Delish

re:

Yes Evia..and much of that knowledge of these "new ways" came from the "dark continent"..as the Crusades were occurring at the same time, and the Age of Enlightenment was beginning

Yes, according to history, Europeans were scouring the globe for information and other ways to avoid a recurrence of such a devastation and to survive and thrive, period. They took much information/knowledge from Africa and never gave Africans credit for it. This is why so many whites don't think that blacks have contributed anything of value to the world in the way of science, math, inventions, etc.--because their history books (especially the ones chosen for many American curriculums) have not recorded the foundation source of much knowledge. This information IS recorded in books in SOME American libraries, online sources, and in many European libraries.

So Europeans tend to TRAVEL and they help themeselves to information & knowledge of all sorts AND other things they find. When I first went to Africa, I was shocked to see so many whites LIVING in Africa and enjoying themselves to the max, vowing they would never leave. LOL! This AMAZED me because there is so much negative info about Africa in peoples' minds in this country, yet many Europeans apparently had not been hit with the HYPE or were not affected by it.

Many AAs were and still are terrified about going to Africa. This is why relatives never expected me to return alive. LOL!

Anyway, re European men--when I was in Nigeria, that was my first experience with European men. I noticed that they looked at black women in a way that I had never seen white American men do. Even though I was married, they would look DIRECTLY at me and wouldn't look away. The'd smile, try to chat it up with me in various restaurants or public places, if my husband wasn't around, and in general, they seemed so relaxed doing that. It's been my experience that SOME white American men tend to act like they've been caught doing something wrong if I caught them looking at me. SMH That's just a side effect of racism. Many American whites have also been emotionally limited and damaged by racism. It just doesn't impact them in bread and butter ways that it impacts blacks.

Christine said...

@ Mary,

"When I finish school in the next few years and I’m still single, meaning I don’t have an engagement ring on my finger, girl yes, I will be moving to Europe. I definitely, I’m not meant to be single."


Have you ever considered becoming an exchange student in a country where you are interested in living and learning more about? It might be a great way to travel and meet someone interesting while getting your education too.

If you are about to finish undergrad it might be something to think about for graduate studies.

I had a friend she was an exchange student overseas. She met a really nice man. I kid you not he treated her VERY WELL!!

When she came home to visit she was different, fluent in his language, sophisticated (he took her traveling to other countries) and just better from the average American woman.

In a nutshell she was living well.

ava said...

Calling them "OUR men" is a tiny detail to some, but it's actually THE BIGGIE because many bm exploit it to the max when it's convenient. This is exactly why it's so easy for them to use and abuse bw.


Black men are NO LONGER our men. WHITE women get that. When will black women get that?

Regarding African Nigerian men, I have been treated well by a Nigerian man and treated badly by a Nigerian man. That is why I am opening myself up to different men.

Anonymous said...

it just demonstrates the neurosis many bm have. obviously, jewish men have enough pride and common sense not to worship the women that also actively persecuted them, at least not so publically as bm.

To be fair, how is that different from what we are doing here?

Anonymous said...

Re this blog's message, just maybe many bw have not suffered enough. Maybe **I** think they've suffered enough and maybe **you** and some others think they've suffered enough, but obviously many of them don't agree. This is why there's so much foot-dragging about doing what they need to do to mate with Quality men, wherever these men are in the global village.
___________________________________
Evia this is beyond frightening. Do bw need more deaths, more rapes of women and babies at South African and Sudanese rates, soaring HIV infection rates to rival Asian, Indian and African nations, 100% non-marriage rates, 100% out-of-wedlock births, does every DBR person have to lift their leg and pee on them in order to get them to wake up? I think there is just a lot of willful blindness and as you so aptly put it magical thinking that many bw are able to delude themselves into thinking that everything will be okay and poof suddenly, BM will wake up, swear off non-black women, take BW exclusively as their queens, be fathers to their children, stay out of jail and become the true massa kangs there were born to be. Wake up ladies. The so-called BC is the Titantic and it hit the iceberg decades ago. It has been sinking slowly, but believe me it is sinking. Weirdly enough, I think Obama's bid for presidency with the lovely Mrs. Michelle Obama as the possible next first lady of the USA is perpetuating the magical thinking. Those BW still asleep and dreaming those magical dreams don't realize or want to realize that men like Obama are the exception, not the general rule. Most biracial men with white mothers tend to prefer, date and marry non-black women.

We reached the point of no return long ago, unfortunately most didn't know it at the time, including myself - the proliferation of crack in the black community and the rise of hip hop "culture". In retrospect C. Delores Tucker who led a campaign against rap/hip hop in the late 1980's early '90s because of its misogny and violence was a prophet. However, she was called everything but a child of God by most blacks because she was seen as attacking free speech, black men, black culture and the financial opportunity & hope (LOL) that the music could provide.

Anonymous said...

Lormarie said: "However, why are black women more likely to be in interracial relationships in Europe? I'm going to give my personal opinion. White European males are more sexually appealing to my eyes than white American men. I do find some American white men attractive though. I can't place my finger on the reason why European men are more exciting to me. It isn't because I feel they are less racist."
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It does take 2 to tango. I think most bw who live in Europe also tend to be from the Carribean and African countries and weren't feed 'da debil white man' line of bull since birth so they are more open to dating wm than American born and bred black women.

I have lived in America all my life and I have just come to the startling realization that I have never dated an American man of any race. Most have been either carribean, european, hispanic/latino. Speaking strictly for myself, I don't think it has anything to do with looks - there are lots of good looking American men in the USA that are smart, fun, sexy, etc., it is just something about their attitude, outlook, approach to life, politicals that just do not appeal to me AT. ALL. It probably has a lot to do with being raised in the American puritanical, capitalistic, isolated and narrow culture. I just find SOME white European men to be less racist, more independent thinkers, well-traveled, multi-lingual, more knowledgable about the world, less self-involved with less entitlement issues compared to their Amercian male counterparts. Plus, accents turn me on. However, I do have one exception - I don't think English men are as progessive as continental Europeans, but that is no great loss to me since on average I don't find english men to be that attractive and the English accent does nothing for me.

As an attractive bw your best bets are in the Northern Europe countries of Denmark (they grow 'em big and gorgeous), Holland, Sweden, Norway, the Netherlands and Germany

Ireland, Scotland (hello Gerry Butler) are great.

France ain't the black bastion it used to be because it is moving towards the right but it still loads better for bw than the USA and England

Spain and Italy are two strange creatures - there is definitely racism, ugly racism, but I received so much love & attention in these two countries that I felt like a goddess. It could be that it is more racist towards BM than BW. So since this is the age of BW doing for self and damn the others - get in where you fit in and book your flight today. Sometimes the attention was frightening - men following you, constant shoutouts, marriage proposals and on rare occasions less than honorable proposals. But hell that happens to me in NYC, although I never got marriage proposals so I definitely considered that an upgrade.

I have been hearing amazing positive things about Turkey, although that may technically not be considered Europe. I have never been.

I have heard Belgium and Luxembourg are pretty racist. I can not confirm or deny.

If traveling alone and you don't have good local friends looking out for you stay the hell out of Russia and those Slavic countries and the area that was formerly Eastern Germany.

I would be interested in hearing other bw's world travel experiences.

Pamela said...

Anon 3:39 PM EDT said:

I think Obama's bid for presidency with the lovely Mrs. Michelle Obama as the possible next first lady of the USA is perpetuating the magical thinking. Those BW still asleep and dreaming those magical dreams don't realize or want to realize that men like Obama are the exception, not the general rule. Most biracial men with white mothers tend to prefer, date and marry non-black women.

THIS IS THE TRUTH. When talking with bw I know that are supporting him, the first thing they talk about is how they are a great example of a black family. In fact he is one of the few prominent biracial man I have seen that married a bw. There may be others but it has been a long time.

It is a pipe dream. I am considered an older single who never married. Believe me it was not because I was holding on the the 'nothing but a bm' nonsense:) I just have not met a lot of non-black men where we connected. I am one that WILL age gracefully. I also plan to marry. It will be an interesting season in my life. I am also old enough not to care if the so-called bc screams about me being with a non-bm. I can silence fools where they won't try that trash. I'm real adept at that when necessary. Even though I have not met that person YET my life is wonderful. When I do marry the man will be with one happy chick.

Make your life the best that you are able to married or single. You will not die. I'm living proof. I was out of pocket for the past few years being a caretaker for my Dad. That season ended so now I'm focused on my life again. I need to be more proactive on the romance front:)

Evia said...

Yippee! It's Teachable Moment time!

The troll response below was sent to respond to this comment:

"it just demonstrates the neurosis many bm have. obviously, jewish men have enough pride and common sense not to worship the women that also actively persecuted them, at least not so publically as bm."

And the troll said:

To be fair, how is that different from what we are doing here?

Naturally, I know this comment was sent by a troll who sticks in the "we" to try to make me think that s/he is one of us. LOL! This is totally an anti-bw comment in this context.

But this gives me an opportunity to point out another tactic used against IR-interested bw whenever bw point out that bm are dating and marrying out in droves. In AA circles, MANY times, the response to that bw is:

1. "Well 2 wrongs don't make a "right!"

2. If bw date and marry out, then y'all can't say anything about bm doing it because it's the SAME thing.

These two responses have been used to SHUT UP many bw for years about the increasing number of bm dating, marrying out, and draining blacks of resources that have been contributed to heavily by mostly bw. These responses have, in effect, kept many bw QUIET and STILL because a typical bw starts thinking that she doesn't want to do something "wrong," and if she dates out, she'll be doing the same "wrong" thing that bm do. So she gets quiet and does NOTHING.

I'm not even going to get into rights and wrongs here.

First I want to point out that: it's NOT the same thing--AT ALL.

Let me repeat: MOST AA men and AA women do NOT date/marry out for the SAME reason AT ALL. Black women in the USA seek Quality men as compatible and suitable dates, loving and lovable HUSBANDS, and good fatherhood material. This is the TOP reason why AA women date non-bm.

Whereas MANY bm simply seek lighter/whiter women.

If Michelle Obama were looking to get a date with a typical Quality bm today, she would have a HARD time because she is too DARK to get the eye of many well-educated, well-employed AA men. Even Kenya Moore, Miss America 2003, and an accomplished black woman talked during an interview about not being able to get a date with bm on her level. Those bm discriminate against darker women of African descent. The CCBC keep trying to make it seem like bm dating out and bw dating out are the SAME reasons but it's NOT and we've got to spread the word on this.

Aside from the fact that the number of Quality AA men are very insufficient, the bulk of them DISCRIMINATE against Quality AA women, particularly if the women are Michelle's complexion. There are MANY AA women who have the same skin shade as Michelle.

AA women seek QUALITY men. I will NEVER advocate that bw should marry down. NEVER!

Plenty of AA women make good wives and excellent mothers.
You won't find more than a handful of AA women who reject Quality AA men. I'm talking about black women who are at the marriage age which I'm thinking is about 26 and up these days. I'm NOT talking about very YOUNG, immature, underexposed black women or black girls. Young, immature women of EVERY group do stupid things, make bad choices.

Usually, when I hear an embittered college educated, well-employed AA men talk about how a bw rejected him, he is almost always talking about a very YOUNG, underexposed, silly bw who he considers to be a dyme (Beyonce-lloking). Other than that, he's 400 pounds, grotesque, has issues or is "off" in some way. He is definitely not average. He may be a DBR. Just because he has a college degree and is well-employed doesn't mean he is not DBR. He may be badly damaged.

So I thank the troll for sending in that comment.

Sometimes, I post troll comments to use them as a springboard to teach a lesson because many bw online as well as offline are easily confused by these sneaky comments where the troll pretends to be one of us and on the surface seems to be saying something "fair."

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