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CHOICES: Black Women Interracial & Intercultural Marriage BOOK 2 is AVAILABLE now in Paperback. CLICK!
This book is a MUST-Read for any AA girl 12 and over. Please get it and give it as a gift BEFORE she makes a mistake. It's a page-turner, so she will read it. It will force her to make better CHOICES in males because it will teach her the importance of vetting any male who shows interest in her. It teaches her the types of qualities and traits to look for in any male.
The many discussions in this book--including the long notes from several white males--will expand views on this topic and life in general. The crucial first step in uplifting black women, in general, is uplifting/expanding their thinking about themselves and their options in all areas of life. Uplifting the thinking precedes everything else. When any person does not believe they have other options, s/he will continue to go to the same watering holes, even though the water there may be poisonous.
I will give some of these books away to some of the young bw in my area. We need to reach them BEFORE they make the mistake. My work is devoted to that goal.
The Sister site is HERE and 'You're Invited.' Lots more essays, pics, videos, articles, and Podcasts over there.
Black Women: Interracial and Intercultural Marriage BOOK 1--First and Foremost
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All of the books in the series contain Book 3 Also Available. CLICK!
Please come over to the NEW SITE and see plenty more pics and videos of bw in IR marriages and relationships. Continue reading some of the most enlightening and provocative articles and commentary anywhere from and about black women who are taking advantage of ALL of their romantic options and dating, loving, marrying, and raising families with lovable and loving men throughout the global village.
Mary Wineberg SITE
Many black women continue to say in your comments and your private notes to me that men don't appreciate the beauty and desirability (as wives) of browner or darker black women--and increasingly these days, even many light skinned bw are shunned as wives by black men. You also continue to send me more and more evidence that bw are getting denigrated to the max.
What you're really saying is that MANY BLACK MALES don't appreciate the beauty and desirability of black women as wives and that many black men are denigrating black women to the max. After two years of blogging, this continues to be the same old drum beat in your comments, y'all BECAUSE you're still not accepting the fact that many black men are damaged beyond repair.
InterracialMatch.com - the best interracial dating site!
Until you learned this lesson, you will keep seeing it and it will keep hitting you in the face in various ways. Once you learn that lesson, then nothing any black man does that is anti-black woman will confuse or surprise you. Now here's the shocker: Some of you have begun to believe that white men ARE black men. LOL!! You're projecting the thoughts of DBRbm onto typical white men. You think that since so many bm don't love our non-white beauty, that white men who like black women must not appreciate our array of chocolate to butterscotch hues either. LOL! Now last time I checked, I didn't see any evidence that white men were taking their marching orders from DBRbm.
So, let's NOT get this twisted. Obviously, many white men and other non-bm DO appreciate the beauty of black women and desire bw for loving relationships and as wives these days. Here's an interesting piece someone sent me. THANKS much for this piece. It underscores my point
"Shocked by British men's choice..what is WRONG WITH MEN IN EUROPE?"
I'm a college student here in the U.S and this summer I did the "studying abroad" like most universities have. There were about 45 students this summer from the business school in my University.
I'm 23 years and I consider myself a good looking girl because I take care of myself. I do not look down on others or races. I'm obvious white, 115 pounds, 5"5" tall, 36 bust. In college i have a lot of guys going after me and my friends.
STUDY ABROAD SUMMER:
This summer the study abroad was in london. We were so excited about being in london and meeting good looking british guys. To our surprise, we found that european men preferred to go after black women. This was shocking and such an eye opener to me and my white girl friends.
We went to pubs, clubs, restaurants. lounges and some other fancy places. It was the same. They bought drinks for them. Thats not to say that white men did not hit on white girls just that seemed to be on equal grounds. Which is good but surprising because this does not usually happen in america.
our group of girls had 3 white girls and 2 African American girls. I'm not racist. Even in school this is our usual circle of friends. We travelled together in Europe and every where else.
Every time we went out, the british white guys would mostly be after the African American girls. My African American girls are also pretty. It's just that it shocked us the white American girls. We thought, we would be the first pick. I guess we are used to the white American guys not appraoching black girls, I thought it would be the same there.
I found that in europe a white girl is not the most wanted girl. I learned tthat white and black girls have equal chances when it comes to men there. We found that there are many white men and black women couples in the U.K as there are black men and white women couples. Unlike in the U.S where there much more blcak men and white women couples compared to white men and black women couples
By the time we went out for the 4th times, we the white girls knew it was fair game for the men for both black and white girls.
I WAS HURT NOT because I'm white but because there were some guy there that i would have liked to have spent some time with but instead they chose to get to know an African America girl. I would have felt the same way had they chosen an other white girl over me
Not all but from what we experienced we learned that european men view women of all races in the same way or view black women in better light than white american men. This happened when we went to France, Ireland, Scotland, Switerland, Italy and Germany.
Bare in mind that there are a lot black british people in the U.K. I have lived with black people for as long as we have.
I had a good time though. I learned a lot about other people and culture.
Why is it different here. In america, i'm a 100% certain that if I were to walk in a place with only white men and I walked in with some African American girls that a white man would appraoch a black woman at least not in public or in front of a white girl.
What makes a white american man different from a white european man? "
SOURCE for this piece.
On a side note, doesn't the disdainful attitude of many black men these days towards black women in the U.S. remind y'all of how relations used to be between white men and black women on the ole plantation--where black women were sex objects but not wife material? This same pattern is the dominant pattern between AA men and women these days. It's MANY AA men these days who regard black women as sex objects who are not fit for marriage or not beautiful (translation: not light enough) to be worthy of respectable attention and loving relationships. It's mainly many AA men these days who seek sex ONLY from AA women unless they're whiter-skinned or "mixed" in appearance.
I know this is an uncomfortable reality for some people, but AA women really have to face this squarely. Magical thinking is not in harmony with Living Well. Magical thinking will kill you and is killing lots of black women, stunting the lives of black children, and/or is causing the women to abort hundreds of thousands of black fetuses every year.
How stupid is it for so many black women to continue seeing a typical black man as a potentially loving partner when that black man is seeing the typical black woman as merely a semen receptacle?!! Many black women are not able to conceive that lots of black males see them this way because the indoctrination program that MANY black girls and black women undergo has convinced them to perceive the typical black male as "normal." Even some caring black men these days are telling black women to catch a clue and "wise up!!" These black men KNOW how other black men think and operate.
The fact is that many AA women are indeed wife material, and always have been, however many black men who have always coveted whiter-skinned women are now able to acquire the coveted object. This preference for white-skinned women really has very little to do with black women or even with whiter women. The whiter woman, in many cases, is simply a coveted object.
A white man offline asked me recently, "Why do so many black men date and marry white women these days?" LOL! Even some white men are amazed at this headlong rush of so many black men for white women. I don't believe this wm had any racist feelings about this phenomenon since he is married to a black woman himself and lives in a multi-racial family. I think he voiced what many people are thinking. This is quite shocking to them.
I think many black women need to repeat the following to themselves about this situation in order to clear up any confusion regarding this matter. Say: "I am not responsible for who or what any man covets. It has nothing to do with me."
This is important because MANY black men continue to blame their coveting whiter women on black women. They use black women as a cover. It's obvious that these men do NOT want people to know that they are merely coveting and collecting whiter skin.
From all indications, this 'blaming of black women,' all started with basketball player, Wilt Chamberlain, with his claim that he could only date white women because black women weren't "sophisticated enough." He cited as an example that black women didn't know which fork to use at dinner in restaurants. LOL! So po' Wilt just didn't have a choice.
Prior to this point, black men who dated and married white women didn't try to whip or blame black women for this choice. This blame has morphed and morphed and morphed to the point where the rapper, Yung Berg recently threw away all remnants of the cover and didn't try to spray it with anything. He just made it plain when he declared that he does not "do dark butts," because he doesn't like dark women. At least he didn't try to blame black women or darker women for his dislike; he just said he rejects darker or browner women as dates or mates. Period. Just think that if Wilt Chamberlain had just "manned up" and been able to just declare his love for white women without talking about forks at the restaurant, he would have lain the foundation for all of the Yung Bergs since that time to just be honest. And there are a LOT of Wilts and Yung Bergs or wannabe Yung Bergs out there among AA men. Sistas, BEWARE!! Don't let them sex you up and then later claim, they don't 'do' darker women. LOL!
In 2008, many non-bm are increasingly interested in dating and loving black women as life partners--as social taboos against interracial dating and marriage have relaxed. We are now in a phase where many non-bm are seeking ways to learn more about black women aside from what's in the media and many of them are, at this moment, wondering whether that cute black girl/woman in their class or at work who was wearing the yellow top is interested in dating a non-bm. There seems to be a mystique about what white men want from black women. LOL!
Black women need to realize that white men who like black women like to look at attractive women of all skin shades because males are males. Beyond all of the -isms, males in any society are still wired to be males. Men are attracted primarily to attractive (from their perspective), friendly, "win"nable women. Many wm STILL do not believe that black women are "win"able. For starters, they believe that black women will refuse to date them. I've received many notes from white men who tell me this. I see no reason to believe they are lying. Also, in my offline life, I've known of many instances where black women have refused to go out with white men due to various types of FEAR. Aside from similar social factors, primarily, many white men are afraid they will be rejected if they ask a black woman out. This is why Steven in the blog below says that black women might need to non-brashly/indirectly/subtly show that they are interested in dating a white guy. I agree that this is problematic and confusing for many black women, but as I believe and always say: black women will find a way.
To white men and black women: This doesn't mean that every black woman or white/nonblack man you express interest in will be interested in dating you. Some people are already committed to others; some have just gotten out a relationship, some are overwhelmed by other interests at the moment, etc.
The biggest struggle many AA women are still having is that MANY of them continue to view themselves through the eyes of the CCBC (central committee of the black community) and when it comes to black female beauty, dbr-AA men are the ONLY voices on the committee that count. These men out-shout everyone else. They have the greatest influence on thought about bw's worth in the bc. They are the thought-leaders regarding bw.
Now y'all can write this down: In order to cover up and divert attention away from their coveting of white-skinned women, many of these men are going to CONTINUE to denigrate, debase, defile, and devalue black women, so any black woman who receives and accepts the view of her beauty, desirability, or worth from the bm on the ccbc is doomed. Not only will those women be doomed; their daughters and many of the black women who they can influence will be doomed.
It is startlingly clear to me that any black woman who is determined to survive, thrive, and live well these days and have her children do the same--MUST escape the physical reach and/or mental influence of the CCBC. The black community of yesteryear does NOT exist any longer. If you think it still exists, you are inside of a delusion.
It's virtually impossible to 'Live Well' if you live too long around or inside the mental confines of the black "community." Life inside a typical black "community" has reached the point of vanishing returns for MOST black women who live MENTALLY in or even near these black enclaves or neighborhoods. Fortunately, I haven't had to live inside one of these hell holes, either mentally or physically, but I have associated with many black women who do, and it's a sordid, sorry life many sistas experience there. But here's the kicker: many of these black women **think** they live a "normal" life. They say things like: "Girl, it's bad everywhere, so there's no point in even trying to move." Or regarding the numerous DBR men who surround them, they'll say: "Men are the same everywhere. At least I know what I'm getting here." LOL!
All of these places have this in common: they eat on black women to survive. If you're a black woman who lives in one of these places, that little bad feeling or that depression that you just can't seem to shake is because somebody just took a bite out of you and is draining your lifeblood. Trust. They will slowly but surely devour you. Your children will be the next to go or they're being eaten already. You just won't find out until later.
You do have a choice. You must first decide to escape the CCBC in order to Live Well. You then must learn to be immune to or be prepared to devour anyone from the CCBC who tries to stop you.
I received the following comment to my last blog entry from Aphrodite, a commenter on my blog. Please read it and the responses following it. I think it may, in some cases, be a life-saving gift to e-mail this entry (click on the envelope icon at the end of this post) to other bw who you know and care about. It will also save them money, time, and emotional devastation. Remember that when bw (in general) *know* better, they DO better. There is SUCH common sense and vital information offered in these responses! I'm also going to put them on my 'Common Sense' blog. PLEASE read ALL of the responses re polygamy/polygyny in the comments section of the last blog entry And the comments to this entry. I couldn't post them all here.
I practice an ATR and recently the most disturbing thing that I am witnessing is the promotion of polygyny among the African descended practicioners - mostly AA's.
My religion is a West African one and although there are a considerable number of AA's, Afro Carribeans, and Afro- Latins who practice there are also, American Whites, Europeans, and I have even come across a few Asians and Native Americans.
The promotion of polygyny is being touted mostly by the BW of a certain group. When this discussion was raised none of the non black members said anything, but it gave me chills.
Many BW confessed that they have shared a man either by carrying on relationships with married BM for a number of years or by being cheated on by their partners.
Their logic was that since a BW was going to share a man then polygyny is the answer.
They expressed ideas that single BW were threats to one another and could "interfere" with monogamous marriages.
But they stated that since companionship was so enriching to life and since there are so many BW who will be unpartnered and never get to experience this joy - that polygyny was the answer to this.
They stated that this would also help single mothers since the mothers would have help raising their children via the finances and emotional support that this arrangement would allegedly provide.
They then tongue lashed BW for not being big enough to share men for the benefit of the community. And that sisters were their own worst enemy when it came to this and we really needed to get it together.
They said things like women should get their emotional needs met from women and not men etc.
Then they went on to talk about how the women could each work to contribute to the collective household and pull her own weight.
Then some people talked about how this is our ancestral legacy being AA's and this is done all over Africa.
And others chimed in and drew upon current models among mormons, gypsies, and muslims that they think could be effective.
They ended it all by agreeing that this was a healthy and much needed discourse and they needed to talk about it more and hash things out before implementing a plan for it.
I couldn't make this up if I tried. I felt trapped in the twilight zone. I was waiting for Aston Kutcher to come out and show me the MTV cams.
All I can say is that I am sick, sick, sick behind this.
I saw so much DBR-ism and Mammy- ism and -isms I can't name yet.
No one mentioned anything about preventing the next gen of BW from being single mothers, no one said anything about BM responsibility at all.
I kept thinking what about the HIV rate? How nasty is that?? How are guys who don't support one kid gonna support several others? And if all these women have to work to contribute to the collective pot - and work on being good to each other - what good is the man? I mean women can be supportive to one another, helping one another to get a leg up without sharing a guy.
A host of things ran through my mind and the main one screams this is a bad idea. But it is coming up everywhere in religious circles.
I felt like yelling what about marrying nonblack men, but I got scared and punked out. These people are intense.
*******RESPONSE #1: from Felicia
I know you did not ask for my take concerning this situation, but I felt compelled to respond anyway.
What you have just described is pure insanity. And any normal well functioning person can see that.
I hope many aspects of the religion you're practicing bring you peace of mind. Because like love, religion/spirituality is supposed to make you feel better not worse.
Whole. Not empty and stressed.
However, when members - in this case AA women - are considering (and supporting even) a sexual lifestyle that is ANTI-life when you get down to it, it should give any normal person period pause.
It shows that your brain-cells are working properly for the alarm bells to be ringing in your head.
The very reason WHY AIDS is ravishing BW more than other groups of women today is because of black man sharing. Sexual relations with a group of men that have a higher rate of AIDS do to promiscuity.
IMO This "polygamy" is nothing but man sharing with a so-called "religious" overtone.
That's HOGWASH. There is NOTHING "sacred" about one (possibly diseased) man sc%#wing multiple women literally and financially.
NOTHING. It is not a "higher order" but instead a one way ticket to HELL.
Black children are being made ORPHANS because of this nasty lifestyle.
It's GOOD that you got chills listening to this insane GARBAGE.
Some of those very BW who made these sad confessions need to get tested.
They've obviously been beaten down psychologically, spiritually, and sexually by life in the "bc" to even CONSIDER such nonsense.
And yet they keep going back to the original source of their pain.
Until those poor women FINALLY learn their lessons, they are bound to repeat those mistakes over and over again.
I'm not blaming the victim here. What I am saying is, "Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me." Those AA BW have been fooled REPEATEDLY by the SAME population.
And being fooled these days can cost you your LIFE.
Their "logic" is clearly illogical. And if they continue with this anti-life/death seeking lifestyle, the "answer" for them is going to be an early grave.
Single mothers can ALREADY help raise each other's children and share their finances and emotional support with each other.
And they can do it without being USED sexually as repositories for trifling damaged beyond repair black men.
And there's no bones about it. Only a selfish, self-serving, narcissistic, freeloading and DAMAGED black man would even be interested in this harem arrangement.
Because undamaged men realize that the DECENT - and most societally healthy - thing to do is marry one woman, be monogamous with her, and successfully raise his children.
IMO these mammies you're describing are seriously ill. "Tongue lashing" BW for not being whores.
Whorish behavior does NOTHING to uplift community. Black or otherwise. It tears ALL communities DOWN.
Getting emotional needs met from women and not men? Excuse my language but WTF?
It sounds like these women are either closet lesbians or cult members or both.
There's nothing wrong with sharing an emotional bond with another woman. Friendships are great. BUT, women are NOT and never will be (or should be) "substitutes" for men to normal heterosexual women.
A friend is not the same as a husband.
And as far as Africa, it's one of the hardest hit continents when it comes to AIDS.
I would imagine (and hope) that one man one woman marriage is being promoted there for their own sake.
Those fools are living in LA LA LAND if they think the AA situation can be compared in any way to these other groups.
And just look at that sick situation concerning that Polygamist Mormon sect in Utah.
There was an example of white damage.
All of those women and children being abused. No one knowing who their daddy was. Mass DNA testing to determine paternity and lineage.
That is exactly what's going on in certain segments of the "community".
And there's NOTHING normal, natural, or good about it.
There's nothing what so ever healthy about that discourse. And from what you've described, those women sound like brain dead cult members.
Lemmings headed for the cliff.
Those members - at least the AA black women - sound suicidal.
And they ARE if they implement this "plan".
If you felt intimidated/uneasy expressing your opinion that is possibly a GOOD sign that this apparent "religious" group/cult is perhaps not right for you.
If you decide to stay, distance yourself from the suicidal segment and instead focus on the non AA members who are NOT drinking the kool-aid.
Separate yourself from the lemmings.
Also, IMO a legitimate (and healthy) religion/organization is one where you're not afraid to express your feelings and concerns. Especially if they would be of help.
From what you've described, those AA BW have a cultish, insecure, and mob mentality.
And if they indeed do have issues with black women in loving IR relationships with white (and other non-black men), they're RACIST to boot.
And NOTHING good can ever come from being involved in a racist organization. Religious or otherwise.
Racism is AGAINST Gods will.
And in my humble opinion, when we forget Gods will, God forgets us.
Peoples PERSONAL decisions regarding who to date, marry, and procreate with aren't ANYBODY else's business to begin with.
And the choice to date, marry, and procreate with white, and other non-black men isn't a topic "up for discussion".
Black women are not children after all but full fledged adults.
And adults don't let other adults tell them what to say, think or do.
It's painfully apparent that many black women need to start acting like the full fledged FREE adults they are.
Instead of retarded gullible and scared children.
****Response # 2: From Fxycleopatra
On the Polygamy issue:
I am Nigerian and I can tell u that it DOES NOT WORK!!!! Polygamy ALWAYS leads to problems. Polygamy used to be very common but is becoming less and less common. most who are in poly marriages are very old ppl. The parts of Africa u see it beings practised most are the very muslim parts so mainly among the arabs and muslim africans. Christians do not practise this and as most pple in africa are christians, it is not as common a practise as some pple in the west would like to believe.
My mother came from a polygamous family. i think her father married 3 or 4 wives. One day (a few years ago) i was talking with my dad about polygamy and i said that sometimes everyone in the family is happy (bcos i had my moms family in mind). he then told me that every single polygamous family he knows always had ridiculous problems (and it was not too uncommon when he was growing up). i then asked that what of my mom's family, cos thy all seemed fine? he said that up to today (they are all adults with kids...some even have children who have married), they still have problems...and i can tell u that my mom's family is one of the better examples.
The following are a few of the numerous problems caused and why it will never work in an AA setting:
1. Most of the times, the men are very wealthy and are the breadwinners. In AA, it is the women who will be taking care of the men.
2. For the poorer ones, the father could never FULLY support the children so they usually would send just 1 or 2 of the numerous children (ALWAYS the two oldest sons)to school. In AA these dbr are not even able to support their children from one momma not to mention having several kids from each wife.
3. There are protections available. All The wives are regarded as legal so have equal rights. In the u.s. only the first wife is legal and has any marital rights. The rest are nothing other than babymommas.....whether they choose to admit it or not!
4. Polygamy is not prohibited or against the law.....yet (hopefully it will be banned when common sense kicks in). In the u.s., it is a crime punishable with jail. So both the man and the 2nd, 3rd, 4th....etc...wives will be punished. The wives will only excape prosecution if they didn't know he was already married but since this is a willing polygamous marriage, the subsequent wives are just as guilty.
5. There are ALWAYS fights, jealousy, bitterness, resentment etc. children of other wives are poisoned or harmed by other wives, there is gang mentality from children with the same mother against half-siblings.
6. A lot of the times, the husband ends up being poisoned if one wife believes that at that point she is his favourite (therefore favoured in his will)
7. Community is built by close-knit families. These families are never close. Also, the children never have close relationshps with their fathers.
These are just a few of the EVER SO NUMEROUS problems that arise.
Thank You, Felica and Fxycleopatra. Y'all have made your case and it's a slam dunk!! Why should any bw share a man? She shouldn't and does NOT have to. It's simply a scam. It's also a case of these AAs 'seasoning their theories to meet their needs.' They're using polygamy/polygyny in Africa as their cultural 'cover' and to sell this bogus scheme to these unsuspecting women who romatically embrace anything African. These men and their mammies know how to sell this idea, and using 'Africa' is their strongest selling point. Have any of them gone to Africa, spent time there, and done any research to determine whether polygamy/polygyny is feasible here? I'd bet a ton of money that they haven't done ANY research.
Here's what blogger, Pioneer ValleyWoman has to say:
This polygamy garbage has been going on for so long. Some black woman actually wrote some book about it that the Essence rag published. Haki Madhubuti, who has definitely been writing from a conscious black man's perspective wrote in 1990 (!!!) about what Evia has called the DBR syndrome. Talk about being a voice in the wilderness: Black Men, Single, Obsolete, Dangerous?
Page 97: "The male is on home plate and has women on first, second and third. This is, in reality, nickel and dime pimping and wh*ring that lonely and insecure women allow into their lives....responsibility to the real needs of these women and their children is not even part of the equation.
PVW, thanks for citing and quoting from that book. People act as if I created DBRbm. LOL! Haki Madhubuti and many others have been writing about them for years. I read his book a few years after it came out. It's chilling, but true. So many AAs cling to magical thinking. SMH
Here's the real deal. Black women do NOT actually have a problem dating and marrying. This is a CONTRIVED problem, created and stuffed into AA women's heads to keep black women chained to the "AA community" and AA men. If YOU, as a bw, think that dating and marrying is a problem for you, this simply reflects that you've been indoctrinated. I've been pointing out repeatedly, ever since I started blogging that 'your life depends on your thinking and on the decisions' you make--moment by moment. Life is largely a mental experience. If you think a certain way, that usually becomes your reality. If you allow others to create and control what you think, they, in effect, control your life.
The reason I have continued and (actually I'm asked) to continue to post pictures of bw-wm or bw-nonbm couples on my blog is in order to SHOW that wm and various other men are in fact attracted to ALL types of bw. If you're walking around thinking that you're too dark, too fat, too tall, or your hair is not straight enough or whatever to be considered attractive to many men in the global village, it's because you've been spoonfed this poison by the "black community" in general and and AA men in particular. These days, it's mainly self-hating BLACK men who look at bw and say Ugh! And yes, it's reinforced by the media because people tend to look for reinforcement of their beliefs. Why is it that the media is not able to reinforce this in all AA women? It's because those women don't have that belief in the first place, so it can't be reinforced. When they see and hear garbage in the media, they know it's garbage and treat it as such. These women are selective about what they do watch and listen to. Another question is: Why would YOU **choose** to watch and listen to anything out there that makes you feel bad?
I realize that the media doesn't present black women as the 'fairest of them all,' but I realize that's due to POLITICS, power, and control. That does not mean that I and women who look like me are not among the fairest or not the 'fairest of them all.' I also know that many men who think for themselves also know that it's politics that causes black female beauty to be downplayed. After all, they see us with their own eyes! They see that we are actually just as desirable as other women. Yes, many wm and non self-hating men of color can actually see our beauty. So I consider myself to be among 'the fairest of them all' and that's how I've always presented myself to men.
I've been saying this for 2 years now. WAY too many of you AA women ALLOW self-hating, DBRbm to distort your reality, which some of them deliberately do in order to USE you (polygamy, etc.). STOP taking those men seriously. They've been badly damaged. They only look like they're normal or repair-able, but they're not. Many of them are like eggs that don't have yolks (this comparison was taken from the Haki Madhubiti's book cited above.) But since you can't see inside the egg, you think it's like every other 'normal' egg. An egg without a yolk is going to negatively distort the flavor of any food you put it in because the yolk is an important part of an egg's expected flavor. A hen can sit on an egg without a yolk forever and no chick will ever be hatched. So many AA women remind me of these hens who sit on yolkless eggs. That type of egg is 'damaged beyond repair.' As a matter of fact, I coined this DBR term after reading this black nationalist man'--Haki Madhubuti's--book.
I am NOT saying now and have NEVER said that **all** AA men are DBRs. That would be STUPID of me to say that because I presently know, know of, read about, have known some AA men with quality levels ranging from regular to incomparable, but that does not change the fact that many others of them at all socioeconomic levels ARE DBRs and they **actively** prey on AA women. Yes, I realize that in many cases, AA women invite these men to prey on them because these women have never learned HOW-TO and have actually NEVER even been told to vet black men; they don't know how to find out whether the man has a yolk. LOL! This is why you MUST vet ALL men. As a matter of fact, when men of this type men reject you, y'all should be HAPPY.
Many people get furious at me because I don't go into detail about WHY so many AA men are DBRs. There are probably tens of thousands of books, articles, etc. about this topic of what has created such large numbers of DBRbm. They're not the focus of this blog. Find that material and read it, if you want. Women who seek mates are not seeking a history lesson or one about present day social structures; they seek QUALITY mates in the here and now, and DBRs of any race or background are not in the ball park of Quality.
That's it. Think on this as you continue to dare to Live Well.
Whatever happens in the future, I'm happy to know that Michelle Obama is Living Well. If there were any dirt in their relationship, it would be smeared EVERYWHERE by now. They really do seem to adore each other. I LOVE to see black women doing well, living well--being loved, cherished and adored. I wish her and her family all the best.
I had another thought as I posted these pics. Suppose Michelle, a beautiful, spirited and brainy woman had allowed herself to be pressured to mate and marry a "dustbin" man (janitor) or similar one. That's work to be respected for sure because I value work, but don't you just love it that so many people try to pretend (especially when they're talking to American black women) that men who do janitorial work are intellectuals who just love to clean. LOL! Out of all the years that I've mingled with African and white women, I have NEVER heard anyone even come close to mentioning this ludicrous notion that they should 'marry down' and I'm not talking specifically/only about money here. No, these women--of whatever social class--are customarily steered toward 'marrying up' or at least, at their level.
Yet many upwardly-mobile American black women are still getting criticized (called golddiggers, bougie, snobs, "white," etc.) for avoiding or trying to avoid the pressure to mate and marry down. It's often pointed out to them that these 'dustbin-type' guys are nice, kind, and can give good "foot rubs." LOL! Unfortunately, many accomplished bw succumb to the pressure and "settle" for a man who is clearly unsuitable in key areas. I know several of these women.
Let me point out here that there are also many men of very high caliber (across the board) who ALSO are nice, kind, strongly moral, give good foot rubs, etc. Just because a man is well--educated, has money, is good fatherhood material, etc. doesn't mean that he's a nasty, lowdown, SOB as it's often presented to too many black girls and women--in order to pressure them to marry down. And let me stick this in about the movie, "Something New" where it's often erroneously pointed out that the white love interest of the professional black woman was a gardener. That's not true. The guy was a BUSINESSMAN who had a landscaping business. Landscaping is a lucrative business in many parts of this country!
Let me make it clear that I'm not necessarily talking only about money--but not discounting it either. The fact is that a woman marrying at her level or marrying up can and often does involves much more than money. For ex. suppose a highly accomplished professional black woman with a job in medical physics, for ex. married a man like Fiddy cent. IMO, she has obviously married WAY, WAY down, no matter if he gives her all of his money. Even if she could possibly deal with a man like him, what can a man like that give to his children, aside from money? Lawdy!
I hope you enjoyed the pics but you might not want to read below this line.
Re anti-bw rhetoric: I encounter on and offline many AA girls and AA women who are frustrated and angry because the propaganda machine (made up of an assortment of strange bedfellows these days) is relentlessly churning and trying to feed them hype that they're not desirable or are somehow less-than or less worthy than other women or even bm. Sistas, look at it this way, any time anyone is trying to convince you that you are less-than or that she, he, or their group, race, gender, religion etc. is more desirable or more worthy than you or yours, they are simply trying to step on you to get higher up the social totem pole or their ego pole. So they have a lot at stake in these discussions. Don't expect them to stop, but don't let them win and you can do this by turning them off and fast.
The blogosphere (and life in general) is full of this because this is human nature. This is also because bw make very soft targets. We have no protection. It just wouldn't be tolerated about any other group of women by their men or their community. ALL groups of women have issues. But it's not the issue; it's how it's viewed by the men of that group that makes the difference. When white women have issues, most times wm typically want to help them or rescue them. A lot of high profile white men would still want Britney Spears as a mate because she's "in need" of help and protection. Just look at how Dr. Phil and numerous others rushed forth to embrace and protect Britney Spears AND similar white women whose issues are showing. That's just natural and I'm happy that some women have that. Ordinary ww are "rescued" every day by their men and their community. They can expect that. They're not demonized, except in rare and extreme cases. In general, their issues are viewed through a much softer lens.
Another key reason why black women make easy targets is because many bw are constantly trying to be "nice" and will debate or talk to anyone who wants to talk to them about 'what's all wrong about bw.' LOL! Not me! In order to get me to agree to discuss what's wrong about me, you're going to have to admit first that you too are far from being a perfect being. We are BOTH far from perfect. We ALL have issues.
Sistas, PLEASE stop debating with or listening to serpents and other forked tongues and inadequates out there who want to focus on the "bad or less-than bw." Don't you realize that this is what they want? Anything that is repeated enough--whether it's true or false is going to be believed by a large number of people because repetition IS teaching. That's their agenda. You're helping these serpents to teach folks and reinforce these negative stereotypes about bw when you engage in these "debates" with them. They draw blood, so you walk away emotionally bleeding, leaving them without hardly a scratch because some of you are trying to be so "nice" and "fair". It's not smart to talk every time someone wants to talk to you. You should only engage in these negative debates if you're prepared to also draw blood (figuratively-speaking, of course). Point out and Repeat bad stuff about them too because we are ALL far from perfect beings. In this way, the TEACHING covers all groups and genders. LOL! Some of y'all could take some lessons from the Republican Party and HRC on that front.
"But Evia," you might ask me, "why did you talk so much about DBRbm if you want to avoid negative debates?" It's because I wanted to shine the spotlight on the huge numbers of inadequate, damaged bm in our midst and SOME of them are predators who prey on black women and children. I did this mainly to warn bw about them. Many times when a predator knows that you can clearly see them and are willing to permanently keep the spotlight on them, and notify the world about them, they can be contained. This is the same strategy used by many white communities to notify others about child molesters in their midst. I also put these men on blast because I wanted them to know that there are some of us bw who are "disloyal" --LOL--enough to demonize them too. I wanted them to know that ALL bw are not soft, easy prey, and that some of us are willing to fight back for our survival. Y'all are free to disagree with this all you want, but in nature, animals that fight back are left alone to a much greater extent than those that don't fight or try to hide. Some of these folks who denigrate American bw know exactly what they are doing. They put us down to elevate themselves. I was reading a debate on one of the blogs the other day where this occurred, and without a hitch.
However, so many bw out there can't stomach being "disloyal" or fighting back against inadequate males and DBRbm who don't miss a chance to denigrate bw. LOL! Some bw would prefer to pretend that these men are simply confused "innocents" who don't know any better and some women prefer to blame and fight even other bw.
But this is why so many bw are constantly feeling bad. They're constantly being blamed and demonized. Duh! Many bw also continue trying to be caring, loyal, or make peace with people out there who plainly don't care about them. Why? If you're not willing to do what it takes or don't want to spend the time and energy to make them leave you alone, then why stay stressed and angry at them? You can simply walk away, turn them off, not talk to them? You CAN remove them emotionally from your mind. It's a process. And you don't have to do anything else to help them. You don't even have to get shrill with them. Instead, use that energy to focus on becoming your best--in every way--and move each day towards what you want in life. Be determined that you're going to come out on top and DO it.
Seriously, I think American bw are going to have to examine the issue of whether the bulk of bw in the U.S. are just too "nice" and too "caring" too tender-hearted to fight back to survive. Are American bw emotionally capable of looking out for their own interests--first and foremost? I wouldn't even need to wonder this about various other groups of women, and some groups of bw I've lived among know how to look out for their interests.
On the relationship front, if you are trying to have a romantic or friendship relationship with a person (man or woman) and they begin to even hint that something is less-than about you or that you are less worthy, less desirable than them, or somehow more to blame, etc. stop the conversation right there and point out that that's a superiority attitude. Remove them from your presence or remove yourself from theirs. People who genuinely want to have a quality relationship and who have the communication skills to have a good relationship would not do that. They would approach you as an equal--not your superior.
People with good relationship skills know that a quality interaction with another person requires compromise, tradeoffs, give and take, adjusting, adapting, humility, honesty, reasonable expectations, commonalities, similar values, etc. There's a lot that goes into making a good relationship work. Just because a person looks good, talks good, or seems to have the "right stuff" doesn't mean they have a repetoire of good relationship skills. The use of a repetoire of relationship skills is often a vital aspect in many good relationships. If you don't have them, they can be learned, but both partners have to feel strongly that the relationship is worth learning these skills and doing what it takes to make it work. For ex. if your mate is angrily spouting off at you, can you go and sit next to him/her and hold their hand, look into their eyes, and say or repeat calmly and sincerely, "I love you." My husband and I did this quite often in the early days of our marriage as we "adjusted" to each other. LOL! This defused many of our spats, but many people feel too "proud" to do this. Not me! I'm willing 'to stoop to conquer.'
There are some people who have a Phd in being "right' because these people can only see ONE right and ONE wrong and no shades, nuances, degrees, alternatives, etc. However, most of life is somewhere in-between "right" and "wrong" and other opposites. Yeah, you can keep up this kind of limited thinking in a relationship, but don't be surprised if you find yourself "right" and all alone.
Anyway to those bw who are determined to do what it takes to not just survive, but also 'thrive, ' I say: Live Well!
The new site focuses on the positive aspects of interracial and intercultural (other cultures of same "race") relationships involving black women. The podcasts and other material will focus on the various dimensions of black women LIVING WELL including philosophies, strategies, techniques, etc. that black women can use to vastly improve their relatiohships and their lives in general. The new site is NOT for everyone. I realize that some black women would prefer (for their own reasons) to remain with what's familiar to them. I support those women in their choices because I support black women's choices. However, I think there should be places for black women who are at every stage to feel at home.
The new site won't only focus on male-female relationships BUT that's a key component in the lives of a great proportion of adult human beings, so it deserves a lot of attention. This is in line with my belief that a satisfying/fulfilling relationship with a committed partner can greatly improve the lives of many black women. Pairing off with a committed other is one of the pillars of living a content, well-rounded life as an adult. I've always been able to get and maintain a loving, successful relationship with a quality man, so I feel I have a few things I can share with other women about this area of life. I invite other black women who've been successful in relationships AND other realms of life (business, health, education, childrearing, personal growth, spirituality (not religion) etc.) to contact me in order that we may SHARE what we have learned with others who desire it.
The new site is NOT a place to discuss unsuitable African American men or unsuitable men of any type or the broad topic of racism beyond a brief and pertinent mention. Enough is enough. I've 'been there, done that, got the picture and the tee shirt.' LOL! Endless talking about the pain from both of those areas is not going to change them and does nothing but cause black women to invest more good energy after bad. A big part of living well is investing good time and energy into good investments. So let's focus on investing well or ONLY in what we want instead of what we don't want.
Read this ARTICLE about this BW-Wm couple. (Simon Cowell and girlfriend, Terri Seymour) This is a perfect case of a woman investing good time and energy in a bad investment IF she wants what she says she wants.
I also agree with some who say that too many AA women--who claim to be interested in dating/long-term relationships with non-black men or non-African American men--CONTINUE to talk about nothing but black men or AA men! LOL! I believe that the main reason why many AA women do this is because their experiences with men have been largely or solely with black men. So most people (females, males, of all backgrounds) are simply STUCK on the familiar simply because they've never been exposed to much of anything else. People tend to talk about what they know about. It's next to impossible for any person to talk for long about what they don't know about. Be that as it may, I personally don't want to discuss that topic anymore--since this is an interracial marriage site and the new site will have both an interracial & intercultural focus.
To sum up my position for those who are new to my site/views, I have always advised black women to do the work necessary to just move on from any pain and disappointments from past relationships. There comes a time when a bad situation has to be learned from, and made peace with inside, and then learn how to go on with life and behold all of the wonderful choices in life. The alternative is to just stay stuck and paralyzed forever in pain. Take your pick.
However, for those who want to continue to talk about AA men, there are many other sites where those discussions are available.
So, as I said, my book and essays will be available for sale when I launch the new site. I've been working on it and will notify you and include a link here when it's ready.
Contrary to the often DELIBERATE distortions, assorted mispresentations and outright lies you may read and hear about my views as expressed in my blogs, I’m going to spell out some of my more controversial viewpoints here--in brief. I also would suggest that you get my book of teaching essays to black women and girls—when it’s available--IF you want more details about what I’m saying versus what some others say I’ve said. LOL! Also, keep in mind that there are only very few absolutes or guarantees in life. Therefore, most of my viewpoints allow for exceptions, shades, nuances, degrees, etc.
1. What do you mean when you say that African-American (AA) women must broaden their dating and mating options to include ALL men in the global village?
Considering the approximately 45% of AA women who are at and above marriage age who have never married--and there are no indicators showing they’re headed toward marriage to AA men-- it’s obvious that AA women must include non-AA men and non-black men in their dating and marriage pool IF they seriously desire marriage. Keep in mind, I’m only talking about women who seriously WANT to get married. The rest of you should not read any further. LOL! I put a lot of emphasis on MARRIAGE. I believe that if a man claims he’s committed to a relationship with a woman, he should also commit legally and in every way possible. Otherwise, I know I couldn’t fully trust him. Maybe you can and maybe you do, but if that piece of paper is “not a big deal,” as I’ve heard some men and women claim, then why not get the piece of paper? That’s just my belief.
2. Why do you focus so much on white men?
I see white men as "men" primarily just like I see any type of man. Secondly, I stress that black women should only date and marry QUALITY men of whatever skin shade. In the United States where I am, white men are the bulk of the men—period--in many black women’s environment, so if a black woman is simply looking for a loving QUALITY man, she needs to look at ALL men of QUALITY and not limit her scope in any way. From small town to big city and all points in between, whites make up the bulk of the population of the country. If you are going to go fishing looking for a certain type of fish and it's known that more of every type of fish is in the ocean, then it just makes more sense to me to fish in the ocean rather than in a puddle—that is, if you’re serious about catching QUALITY fish. However, if you’re a puddle-fisher, that’s your business.
3. Doesn’t this mean that some AA women regard white men as 2nd choice since it seems you’re saying they’re dating and marrying white men because they don’t or can’t numerically get a black man.?
In 2008, why would an AA woman be primarily looking for an AA man—in the first place? Probability-wise, according to all of the stats out there, the numbers don’t support that type of search if QUALITY is a major criteria for her. Also, is a typical QUALITY AA man “primarily” or exclusively looking for an AA woman for long-term commitment and marriage? Even IF all or most of these men were, the numbers of marriageable AA men (those able to meet the challenges of life) looking for a black woman do not support the bulk of black women holding out for an AA man. I always look at probabilities, but she could get lucky.
It may 'seem' that I’m saying that white men are a second choice, but I’m not—AT ALL. I also am not saying that white men are the only QUALITY men. White men simply represent a LOT of “additional” men to consider. I’ve said so many times that when I wanted to re-marry, I considered ALL loving, QUALITY men who were interested in me and my white husband was the first loving, lovable, suitable, and compatible QUALITY man who asked me to marry him. If I’d met a loving, lovable, suitable, and compatible black man, Hispanic, Asian, etc. of QUALITY first, who asked me to marry him, I’d be with him.
So, I can’t speak for every black woman IR blogger out there, but to me white men are NOT second choice. All QUALITY men are or should be FIRST choice. I personally never even considered non-QUALITY men. However, when you consider the racist history of the U. S. and the way in which MOST black women have been methodically socialized and conditioned to regard black men as their ONLY mating choice and considering that the residential patterns are still governed by race in many cases, these are the MAIN reasons why SOME (though a decreasing number) black women still proclaim, “nothing but a black man!” Yes, in some cases there IS and/or would be a preference for a black man or a white man. And there would be even if racism had never existed. However, if slavery and Jim Crow, and racism had never existed, the largest percentage of men and women would be marrying each other naturally, regardless of skin shade. I’m sure we realize that.
Since my blog is written from my viewpoint and that of similar minded black women-- at the end of the day, a typical black woman of our type is looking for a loving QUALITY man who will SHOW her that he loves, cherishes, and adores her. I’ve met too many of these “nothing but a black man” black women who are now dating or in contented relationships/marriages with white and other non-black men to believe that more than a handful of AA women can ONLY be happy or fulfilled by a black men.
4. Why don’t you point AA women toward Asian and Hispanic and other non-white men more?
Asian and Hispanic men are a minority or non-existent in most places where many black women are located in the U.S. Also, of the much smaller numbers of Asian and Hispanic men in the general population, many of this small number are not interested in AA women for marriage due to cultural, political, colorism/aesthetic, and/or other reasons.
5. Why didn’t you put more pictures of bw with Asian and Hispanic men on your site when you had all of the pictures up? Are you going to put pictures again?
99.8% of the pictures I had on my site were sent to me, so if very few pictures representing that type of couple were sent, then that’s what I put up. I had excellent researchers working with me--and one master researcher/'digger' in particular--digging out pics and articles re bw in IR relationships, so if those pics had been posted, she/they would have found more of them, I believe. Maybe most of those couples--if they exist-- don't post their pics as often. I dunno.
And I'm thrilled to find out that a few of the other bw IR bloggers are lining up pics of bw in IRs on their sites. I won't do exactly that again. That takes TIME! But PICTURES are very important! They communicate an idea INSTANTLY. For ex. this pic (Michael Jordan, his girlfriend Yvette, and Charles Oakley) has more than likely had a tremendously positive impact (as some of them see it) on the minds of black males in the world. It came from: http://thafeedback.com/
So, there's no denying its impact--and without a word being read. It opens up "options" for black men or the freedom to date and love who they want. I just want black girls and women to know they have similar options. It doesn't matter to me whether these women act on this knowledge. I just want them to have the knowledge because another name for freedom is "options." You're not hemmed onto a solo road.
I would encourage LOTS more similar blogs and sites to continue to spring up featuring black women exercising their options in relationships because so many black girls and black women are STILL so "programmed" to think they have no choice or few choices in men. In general, black women need knowlege of MORE constructive options--not fewer.
6. Aren’t white men racist? Why would you want AA women to date or marry racist white men?
This is clearly a straw man question. I have never advocated that black women date or marry racist white men.
7. Why don’t you encourage more white men to approach or date black women?
My blog started out with me talking about my relationship and marriage to a white man. Most of the folks who wrote to me were black women, so I concluded that my audience was primarily black women. I never advocated for white men to approach black women because my blog wasn’t geared to white men. I think that’s another blog altogether. If it had been my intent to do that, I’d have gone about it in an entirely different way. I’ve lately come to realize that some black women WANTED me to encourage white men to ask them out and got upset with me because I didn’t do that. First, let me say that I wouldn’t imagine that I have a pipeline to white men. Secondly, those women can write that type of blog themselves or set up a site. I’ve already done that (years ago) and this is why I KNOW that there are many white men out there who want to date black women. I once co-moderated a yahoo mailing list like that—geared to men of ALL types who admired and were attracted to black women, and most of the men or people who came to that site were white men.
8. Don’t many white men have a fetish for black women?
I wouldn’t know that. As I’ve said several times, when I was dating, I didn’t care what a particular man of any race or ethnicity "thought" about me down deep in the recesses of his brain. I cared about how he TREATED me over time. I think that smart women keep their eye on how a man treats them over time—not merely on what he says, and not what she “thinks” he thinks. I wouldn’t blame a white man at all for liking my complexion because my skin is beautiful. However, when he SHOWS me that touching my brown skin, for ex., is ALL he wants from a relationship with me, then he’s history. Likewise, if I discovered that a black man just wanted to date me in order to touch my “black woman butt,” then he’d be history. These are NOT men who’d I’d consider to be QUALITY material for a fulfilling, long-term relationship, and I don’t care what type of skin shade, job, personality, looks, educational level, or whatever else he may bring to the table.
9. Didn’t white men with their racist practices cause the current mating dilemma for black women?
Racism has contributed and still contributes to many of the dysfunctions in the AA "community" (I don't believe there is a "black community" anymore in the U.S.) but all white men and women don’t perpetrate racism. They may all benefit from it, but they don’t all practice it. I don’t believe in blaming all white people for what some of them do or have done. Likewise, I don't hold all black men responsible for some of them being DBRs; I'm pointing out that a typical black woman cannot "change" or "repair "a DBRbm. She should just steer clear of him because DBR men of all sorts are simply not suitable for long term relationships or marriage.
10. Shouldn’t black women hold white and light women responsible for the preference for white and light skin that so many men have?
I absolutely don’t think black women or darker women should have blanket animosity towards lighter and whiter women. I have said all along that black women should not be hating on light and white women for the preference that many men have for lighter and whiter women. These women are NOT responsible for their skin shade and as a group, they’re not more responsible than the men for the widespread adoration of their skin shade. All people use their advantages in life. Let’s be real here.
The only thing I think any woman can do about this entrenched colorism is to teach her son(s) to appreciate all women, despite their skin shade and to focus instead on a woman’s qualities and traits. I know that some black women have had an issue with me about that, thinking that I let white and lighter women off too lightly, but I’ve discovered that there are plenty enough men in the world for all of us women—of whatever skin shade. Yes, I KNOW that Angelina and Halle will attract billions more men than me, but I only need to attract a small number of QUALITY men from which I can choose a mate, and I was able to do that when I started fishing in the ocean. I first chose a black man of QUALITY and now I have a white man of that caliber.
11. What do you mean by "Damaged Beyond Repair black men" or DBRbm?
Well, this term came to me after reading a book by an AA male, a black nationalist—Haki Madhubuti: “Black Men, Obsolete, Single, Dangerous?” published in 1990 in which he talked about how so many AA men are not able to meet the challenges of life—get, keep ,or create gainful employment, sustain a reasonably fulfilling and committed relationship with a woman, be good fatherhood material in which the father strives to meet his emotional, financial, and community obligations to his children, participate positively and meaningfully in community life to help develop the community and keep the women and children safe from community predators, etc. In other words, these are the “provide and protect” obligations that are expected from men in most communities and societies. I don’t think that any man should be required to do these things to the 100% level and most men of whatever skin shade or ethnicity don’t come close to the 100% point, but he must be able to do them to a reasonable extent or at least strive to do them in order to be respected as a man. From my viewpoint, I don’t see nearly enough AA men even trying to meet these challenges—the way they did even during slavery and Jim Crow—which was during the heyday of virulent racism against AAs.
Mr. Mabhubuti also talked about what needs to be done for AA men on the part of society and community AND what the men/males need to do for themselves and other black men in order to meet those challenges. Well, in my viewpoint, more black men and black males are even farther in 2008 from being able to meet those challenges than they were back in the 90s’. And yes, it’s a complex situation, but the bottom line is that many AA men are not long-term committed relationship, marriage, or fatherhood material. And many of the ones who are don’t want to get married or don’t understand why they should commit to a black woman. Yet many AA women “think” these men have the “right stuff” for a long-term relationship or that they can “repair” these men, and this is one major reason why many AA girls and women are not more selective in choosing men. In actuality, many AA women have not been taught what the ‘right stuff’ is and/or they will cut an AA man a lot of slack when he doesn’t have it.
I used to really wonder about this. Why aren’t the women—including some of my female cousins and girlfriends--more selective? My background education and employment in the area of social sciences caused me to dig into this “lack of selectivity” on the part of AA women. I discovered that the women are not more selective for a whole syndrome of reasons. Mainly, LOTS of them still believe that AA men are “our men” and many of them believe we’ve got to “help our men,” and stick by “our black men,” protect them, defend them, excuse them, lower the bar for them, etc. due to what racist whites have done and are still trying to do to black men—or so the women say. All you have to do is listen to a group of AA women talking or read some of the blogs, magazine articles, etc. and these sentiments jump out quickly.
Also, SOME black women still make a whole smorgasbord of excuses for why black men can’t . . . . or don’t . . . I wrote several blogs on the role that many black women play in ENABLING black males to fail or be non-achievers. I’ve encountered many black mothers, for ex., who, instead of insisting that their black sons follow school rules and achieve, these mothers will blame racism for why the son threw a pencil and hit another kid and got suspended or for why he didn’t pass his science test. And on and on. I hear black men come up with these excuses too for black males not achieving. I could write several books simply on that topic.
On the mate selection front, many black girls and women are STILL being taught to overlook black males’ glaring shortcomings. I hear this everyday. If he didn’t graduate from high school, it’s not his fault. If he gets arrested, it’s not his fault. If he can’t control his anger and beats the woman, or does even worse, it’s not his fault. If he loses the 20th job in 2 years because he won’t get to work on time and cursed out his boss when the boss mentioned his tardiness, it’s not his fault. If he has bad credit, it’s not his fault. If he has no credit, it’s not his fault. If he’s 45 and living at home off his aged parent, it’s not his fault. And even if he’s living in a homeless shelter, or in prison, a college-educated black woman should still give him a chance. It’s just not his fault. LOL!
For women who want those men, I wish you the best, but I’ve met women who will say, “I just didn’t know any better,” and that’s why I’m with that type of man or that's why I was with him.
This would all be more tolerable IF the bulk of black men of more quality SHOWED that they also accepted black women’s shortcomings. I could be wrong and for the sake of lots of black women, I hope I am, but I’d say that most black males do not overlook a black woman’s glaring shortcomings. Some black men these days require that a black woman bring more to the relationship table than they would require from a white woman or other non-black woman.
So where is this blanket of “our black women” type of loyalty from typical black men that I hear and read about from black women about black men. In other words, a typical black woman or even black girl tends to be much more loyal to “our black men” and this degree of loyalty doesn’t even come close to being reciprocated. It’s fine to stick by people who stick by you or to be a self-sacrificing mammy for anyone who also self-sacrifices for you. This is why I’ve always said to black women to keep your eye on the RECIPROCATION ball. In general, the door must swing both ways in a reasonably fulfilling relationship of any sort. I’ve cautioned black women throughout my teaching essays here on this blog to pay much less attention to what a man says and instead focus on what he DOES. People "are" what they DO—not what they say.
I’m NOT saying that no black man ever reciprocates or that all other men reciprocate. I’m not talking about any absolutes here. I’m talking about general patterns.
12. Why didn’t you talk more Damaged Beyond Repair black women?
Now this to me is a no brainer. I don't focus on women of this sort for the simple reason that heterosexual AA women are not trying to marry other women. So since I’m talking about broadening mating options for hetereo AA women, which is the subtitle of my blog, I would not focus on other women.
13. But aren’t bw causing their marriage dilemma with their “bad attitudes” and other “issues?”
I think this "attitude" thing is mostly a lot of hype. There are women in every group who have “issues.” All people have issues. The mental health industry in the U.S. is a multi-billion dollar industry that is kept financially afloat by overwhelmingly the “issues” of non-black people. So that proves to me that it’s certainly not mainly AA women with “issues.” We ALL have issues of some sort and trust--those non-black people take their issues into relationships. I'm happy that my husband loves me despite my "issues," and likewise, I love him despite his. I’ve mingled with enough white and African women who have “issues,” (unpleasant attitudes, non-nurturing, shallow/superficial, won’t even attempt to cook or clean, argumentative, spend money like running water, morally defective, etc.) yet they’re still sought after for relationships and marriage. So why should AA women with similar "issues" be penalized for having these so-called unmarriageable “issues” when many women from other groups are not excluded by men from their group for dating and marriage?
14. How many or what percentage of AA men are DBRs?
I have no idea and I’ve never specified a number or a percentage. Anyone who says I have is misrepresenting me or outright lying.
15. Don’t you know that there are many DBRwm and other non-black men too?
Of course I know this. I have never advocated that black woman should date or marry DBRwm or any type of DBR man. I’ve instead focused on teaching black women how to evaluate ANY man—to identify any type of DBR or predator man and to get away from them.
16. Why do bw IR bloggers talk so much about black men?
I can’t speak for other bloggers. I talk about them because many black women talk about their disappointment with black men since most bw have not dated non-black men. I’ve tried to help black women learn how to avoid DBR or other unsuitable men period. Rarely has any black woman written to ask my advice on how to deal with a DBRwm or on how to work out any relationship issue with a white man. People tend to talk about what they know--not what they don't know.
17. Why do you make your relationship with your husband sound like y’all don’t have any problems? Or why don’t you talk about issues in bw-wm relationships?
I’m assuming that every relationship has problems or areas where 2 people must adjust to each other and compromise since no 2 people are clones of each other. My husband and I are loving and lovable mates to each other. We worked on adjusting to each others’ personality differences and we succeeded, and we continue to work on our relationship. We're both of the viewpoint that all relationships require work to keep them mutually satisfying, and we're both willing to do that work. We have very similar values, so the personality difference was our main difference. I’ve talked about how we’ve yelled and screamed at each other due to our differences--in the beginning of the relationship--that were due to our different personalities. I wouldn’t assume anyone would be interested in the tidbits of what he said and what I said, and those things are not of interest to me, so I didn’t see the point of writing about it even if I could remember all of the tidbits.
I’ve never done research on “issues” in bw-wm marriages, but I’m sure someone out there has done some research about that.
18. Why do you talk about "mammies" and don't you know that's a negative stereotype of black women?
"Mammy" behavior is extremely negative, destructive behavior in itself. Why would anyone who cares about black women want it to continue, or try to defend it? It was imposed on black women to benefit others 100%. It was a part of required behavior for black women during slavery just like "stud" behavior was required behavior for many black men. Unfortunately, many black women and black men continue in these very damaging slavery traditions--of the mammy and the stud. Very few seem to even notice these same behavior patterns continuing after all of these years.
By and large, many AAs have not learned new patterns of behaviors that will primarily benefit them to a significant degree or are somehow unable to pass on such behaviors, if learned, to the larger population of blacks. Therefore some AAs accept these self destructive behaviors as "just a part of AA culture" and embrace, cling to, and/or defend these negative patterns. There's a critical need to find a "new way of life" instead of hanging on to the old, especially when the old is so destructive.
"Mammy" was and is a self-sacrificing black woman who puts her own needs and goals on a back burner for the sake of others in her environment and without RECIPROCATION from these others. No or little attempt is made to meet the needs of the mammying black women in the vast majority of cases. It is simply a lose-lose situation for them. In 2008, it is an extremely anti-black woman behavior pattern at a time when this is not required. Years ago, black women were forced to be mammies; today, that is not the case. Many black women just continue automatically to behave in this manner and to their detriment--neglecting their emotional, physical, and spiritual (not religious) well-being.
I've talked to some black women in my offline life about their mammy behavior lately and when I described the behavior of the mammy and pointed it out in their own behaviors, they saw that the behavior was detrimental to them yet believed that it's just a part of AA culture. I pointed out that many aspects of AA culture are simply a defensive reaction to or in harmony with racism. Defensively, they pointed out to me that women in other cultures (European, Asian, etc.) often behave in the same manner.
The fact is that, yes, women from other groups perform SOME of the same sacrifices, BUT they are also SHOWN appreciation and RECIPROCATION for their sacrifices. They give but they also get rewarded most often; there are built-in provisions and protections for them built into their cultures/societies--through widespread practices, laws, etc.
On the relationship front, men of QUALITY are not looking for a "mammy." A QUALITY man wants a woman who gives to him--her presence, her smiles, her attention, her appreciation, her nurturing, etc.--but also wants a woman who he can give to and make her happy, whereas a mammy is not a good receiver AT ALL. Many mammies are uncomfortable about receiving and quickly try to give back. A woman of this type is looking for a man who she can give, give, and give to in order to make him happy. She believes that she has to keep giving to him in order to keep him interested in her or to keep his "love." Typically, what happens is that a man may take what this type of woman gives him, but meanwhile will continue to look around for a woman to whom he can give--the type of woman who is a gracious receiver.