Living Well: Michelle Obama & Family and Bw's Emotional Survival

Whatever happens in the future, I'm happy to know that Michelle Obama is Living Well. If there were any dirt in their relationship, it would be smeared EVERYWHERE by now. They really do seem to adore each other. I LOVE to see black women doing well, living well--being loved, cherished and adored. I wish her and her family all the best.

I had another thought as I posted these pics. Suppose Michelle, a beautiful, spirited and brainy woman had allowed herself to be pressured to mate and marry a "dustbin" man (janitor) or similar one. That's work to be respected for sure because I value work, but don't you just love it that so many people try to pretend (especially when they're talking to American black women) that men who do janitorial work are intellectuals who just love to clean. LOL! Out of all the years that I've mingled with African and white women, I have NEVER heard anyone even come close to mentioning this ludicrous notion that they should 'marry down' and I'm not talking specifically/only about money here. No, these women--of whatever social class--are customarily steered toward 'marrying up' or at least, at their level.

Yet many upwardly-mobile American black women are still getting criticized (called golddiggers, bougie, snobs, "white," etc.) for avoiding or trying to avoid the pressure to mate and marry down. It's often pointed out to them that these 'dustbin-type' guys are nice, kind, and can give good "foot rubs." LOL! Unfortunately, many accomplished bw succumb to the pressure and "settle" for a man who is clearly unsuitable in key areas. I know several of these women.

Let me point out here that there are also many men of very high caliber (across the board) who ALSO are nice, kind, strongly moral, give good foot rubs, etc. Just because a man is well--educated, has money, is good fatherhood material, etc. doesn't mean that he's a nasty, lowdown, SOB as it's often presented to too many black girls and women--in order to pressure them to marry down. And let me stick this in about the movie, "Something New" where it's often erroneously pointed out that the white love interest of the professional black woman was a gardener. That's not true. The guy was a BUSINESSMAN who had a landscaping business. Landscaping is a lucrative business in many parts of this country!

Let me make it clear that I'm not necessarily talking only about money--but not discounting it either. The fact is that a woman marrying at her level or marrying up can and often does involves much more than money. For ex. suppose a highly accomplished professional black woman with a job in medical physics, for ex. married a man like Fiddy cent. IMO, she has obviously married WAY, WAY down, no matter if he gives her all of his money. Even if she could possibly deal with a man like him, what can a man like that give to his children, aside from money? Lawdy!

I hope you enjoyed the pics but you might not want to read below this line.


Re anti-bw rhetoric: I encounter on and offline many AA girls and AA women who are frustrated and angry because the propaganda machine (made up of an assortment of strange bedfellows these days) is relentlessly churning and trying to feed them hype that they're not desirable or are somehow less-than or less worthy than other women or even bm. Sistas, look at it this way, any time anyone is trying to convince you that you are less-than or that she, he, or their group, race, gender, religion etc. is more desirable or more worthy than you or yours, they are simply trying to step on you to get higher up the social totem pole or their ego pole. So they have a lot at stake in these discussions. Don't expect them to stop, but don't let them win and you can do this by turning them off and fast.

The blogosphere (and life in general) is full of this because this is human nature. This is also because bw make very soft targets. We have no protection. It just wouldn't be tolerated about any other group of women by their men or their community. ALL groups of women have issues. But it's not the issue; it's how it's viewed by the men of that group that makes the difference. When white women have issues, most times wm typically want to help them or rescue them. A lot of high profile white men would still want Britney Spears as a mate because she's "in need" of help and protection. Just look at how Dr. Phil and numerous others rushed forth to embrace and protect Britney Spears AND similar white women whose issues are showing. That's just natural and I'm happy that some women have that. Ordinary ww are "rescued" every day by their men and their community. They can expect that. They're not demonized, except in rare and extreme cases. In general, their issues are viewed through a much softer lens.

Another key reason why black women make easy targets is because many bw are constantly trying to be "nice" and will debate or talk to anyone who wants to talk to them about 'what's all wrong about bw.' LOL! Not me! In order to get me to agree to discuss what's wrong about me, you're going to have to admit first that you too are far from being a perfect being. We are BOTH far from perfect. We ALL have issues.

Sistas, PLEASE stop debating with or listening to serpents and other forked tongues and inadequates out there who want to focus on the "bad or less-than bw." Don't you realize that this is what they want? Anything that is repeated enough--whether it's true or false is going to be believed by a large number of people because repetition IS teaching. That's their agenda. You're helping these serpents to teach folks and reinforce these negative stereotypes about bw when you engage in these "debates" with them. They draw blood, so you walk away emotionally bleeding, leaving them without hardly a scratch because some of you are trying to be so "nice" and "fair". It's not smart to talk every time someone wants to talk to you. You should only engage in these negative debates if you're prepared to also draw blood (figuratively-speaking, of course). Point out and Repeat bad stuff about them too because we are ALL far from perfect beings. In this way, the TEACHING covers all groups and genders. LOL! Some of y'all could take some lessons from the Republican Party and HRC on that front.

"But Evia," you might ask me, "why did you talk so much about DBRbm if you want to avoid negative debates?" It's because I wanted to shine the spotlight on the huge numbers of inadequate, damaged bm in our midst and SOME of them are predators who prey on black women and children. I did this mainly to warn bw about them. Many times when a predator knows that you can clearly see them and are willing to permanently keep the spotlight on them, and notify the world about them, they can be contained. This is the same strategy used by many white communities to notify others about child molesters in their midst. I also put these men on blast because I wanted them to know that there are some of us bw who are "disloyal" --LOL--enough to demonize them too. I wanted them to know that ALL bw are not soft, easy prey, and that some of us are willing to fight back for our survival. Y'all are free to disagree with this all you want, but in nature, animals that fight back are left alone to a much greater extent than those that don't fight or try to hide. Some of these folks who denigrate American bw know exactly what they are doing. They put us down to elevate themselves. I was reading a debate on one of the blogs the other day where this occurred, and without a hitch.

However, so many bw out there can't stomach being "disloyal" or fighting back against inadequate males and DBRbm who don't miss a chance to denigrate bw. LOL! Some bw would prefer to pretend that these men are simply confused "innocents" who don't know any better and some women prefer to blame and fight even other bw.

But this is why so many bw are constantly feeling bad. They're constantly being blamed and demonized. Duh! Many bw also continue trying to be caring, loyal, or make peace with people out there who plainly don't care about them. Why? If you're not willing to do what it takes or don't want to spend the time and energy to make them leave you alone, then why stay stressed and angry at them? You can simply walk away, turn them off, not talk to them? You CAN remove them emotionally from your mind. It's a process. And you don't have to do anything else to help them. You don't even have to get shrill with them. Instead, use that energy to focus on becoming your best--in every way--and move each day towards what you want in life. Be determined that you're going to come out on top and DO it.

Seriously, I think American bw are going to have to examine the issue of whether the bulk of bw in the U.S. are just too "nice" and too "caring" too tender-hearted to fight back to survive. Are American bw emotionally capable of looking out for their own interests--first and foremost? I wouldn't even need to wonder this about various other groups of women, and some groups of bw I've lived among know how to look out for their interests.

On the relationship front, if you are trying to have a romantic or friendship relationship with a person (man or woman) and they begin to even hint that something is less-than about you or that you are less worthy, less desirable than them, or somehow more to blame, etc. stop the conversation right there and point out that that's a superiority attitude. Remove them from your presence or remove yourself from theirs. People who genuinely want to have a quality relationship and who have the communication skills to have a good relationship would not do that. They would approach you as an equal--not your superior.

People with good relationship skills know that a quality interaction with another person requires compromise, tradeoffs, give and take, adjusting, adapting, humility, honesty, reasonable expectations, commonalities, similar values, etc. There's a lot that goes into making a good relationship work. Just because a person looks good, talks good, or seems to have the "right stuff" doesn't mean they have a repetoire of good relationship skills. The use of a repetoire of relationship skills is often a vital aspect in many good relationships. If you don't have them, they can be learned, but both partners have to feel strongly that the relationship is worth learning these skills and doing what it takes to make it work. For ex. if your mate is angrily spouting off at you, can you go and sit next to him/her and hold their hand, look into their eyes, and say or repeat calmly and sincerely, "I love you." My husband and I did this quite often in the early days of our marriage as we "adjusted" to each other. LOL! This defused many of our spats, but many people feel too "proud" to do this. Not me! I'm willing 'to stoop to conquer.'

There are some people who have a Phd in being "right' because these people can only see ONE right and ONE wrong and no shades, nuances, degrees, alternatives, etc. However, most of life is somewhere in-between "right" and "wrong" and other opposites. Yeah, you can keep up this kind of limited thinking in a relationship, but don't be surprised if you find yourself "right" and all alone.

Anyway to those bw who are determined to do what it takes to not just survive, but also 'thrive, ' I say: Live Well!