Living Well: Say No! to Polygamy--Be His One and Only Wife

I received the following comment to my last blog entry from Aphrodite, a commenter on my blog. Please read it and the responses following it. I think it may, in some cases, be a life-saving gift to e-mail this entry (click on the envelope icon at the end of this post) to other bw who you know and care about. It will also save them money, time, and emotional devastation. Remember that when bw (in general) *know* better, they DO better. There is SUCH common sense and vital information offered in these responses! I'm also going to put them on my 'Common Sense' blog. PLEASE read ALL of the responses re polygamy/polygyny in the comments section of the last blog entry And the comments to this entry. I couldn't post them all here.
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Aphrodite said:

I practice an ATR and recently the most disturbing thing that I am witnessing is the promotion of polygyny among the African descended practicioners - mostly AA's.

My religion is a West African one and although there are a considerable number of AA's, Afro Carribeans, and Afro- Latins who practice there are also, American Whites, Europeans, and I have even come across a few Asians and Native Americans.

The promotion of polygyny is being touted mostly by the BW of a certain group. When this discussion was raised none of the non black members said anything, but it gave me chills.

Many BW confessed that they have shared a man either by carrying on relationships with married BM for a number of years or by being cheated on by their partners.

Their logic was that since a BW was going to share a man then polygyny is the answer.

They expressed ideas that single BW were threats to one another and could "interfere" with monogamous marriages.

But they stated that since companionship was so enriching to life and since there are so many BW who will be unpartnered and never get to experience this joy - that polygyny was the answer to this.

They stated that this would also help single mothers since the mothers would have help raising their children via the finances and emotional support that this arrangement would allegedly provide.

They then tongue lashed BW for not being big enough to share men for the benefit of the community. And that sisters were their own worst enemy when it came to this and we really needed to get it together.

They said things like women should get their emotional needs met from women and not men etc.

Then they went on to talk about how the women could each work to contribute to the collective household and pull her own weight.

Then some people talked about how this is our ancestral legacy being AA's and this is done all over Africa.

And others chimed in and drew upon current models among mormons, gypsies, and muslims that they think could be effective.

They ended it all by agreeing that this was a healthy and much needed discourse and they needed to talk about it more and hash things out before implementing a plan for it.

I couldn't make this up if I tried. I felt trapped in the twilight zone. I was waiting for Aston Kutcher to come out and show me the MTV cams.

All I can say is that I am sick, sick, sick behind this.

I saw so much DBR-ism and Mammy- ism and -isms I can't name yet.

No one mentioned anything about preventing the next gen of BW from being single mothers, no one said anything about BM responsibility at all.

I kept thinking what about the HIV rate? How nasty is that?? How are guys who don't support one kid gonna support several others? And if all these women have to work to contribute to the collective pot - and work on being good to each other - what good is the man? I mean women can be supportive to one another, helping one another to get a leg up without sharing a guy.

A host of things ran through my mind and the main one screams this is a bad idea. But it is coming up everywhere in religious circles.

I felt like yelling what about marrying nonblack men, but I got scared and punked out. These people are intense.
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*******RESPONSE #1: from Felicia

Aphrodite,

I know you did not ask for my take concerning this situation, but I felt compelled to respond anyway.

What you have just described is pure insanity. And any normal well functioning person can see that.

I hope many aspects of the religion you're practicing bring you peace of mind. Because like love, religion/spirituality is supposed to make you feel better not worse.

Whole. Not empty and stressed.

However, when members - in this case AA women - are considering (and supporting even) a sexual lifestyle that is ANTI-life when you get down to it, it should give any normal person period pause.

It shows that your brain-cells are working properly for the alarm bells to be ringing in your head.

The very reason WHY AIDS is ravishing BW more than other groups of women today is because of black man sharing. Sexual relations with a group of men that have a higher rate of AIDS do to promiscuity.

IMO This "polygamy" is nothing but man sharing with a so-called "religious" overtone.

That's HOGWASH. There is NOTHING "sacred" about one (possibly diseased) man sc%#wing multiple women literally and financially.

NOTHING. It is not a "higher order" but instead a one way ticket to HELL.

Black children are being made ORPHANS because of this nasty lifestyle.

It's GOOD that you got chills listening to this insane GARBAGE.

Some of those very BW who made these sad confessions need to get tested.

They've obviously been beaten down psychologically, spiritually, and sexually by life in the "bc" to even CONSIDER such nonsense.

And yet they keep going back to the original source of their pain.

Until those poor women FINALLY learn their lessons, they are bound to repeat those mistakes over and over again.

I'm not blaming the victim here. What I am saying is, "Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me." Those AA BW have been fooled REPEATEDLY by the SAME population.

And being fooled these days can cost you your LIFE.

Their "logic" is clearly illogical. And if they continue with this anti-life/death seeking lifestyle, the "answer" for them is going to be an early grave.

Single mothers can ALREADY help raise each other's children and share their finances and emotional support with each other.

And they can do it without being USED sexually as repositories for trifling damaged beyond repair black men.

And there's no bones about it. Only a selfish, self-serving, narcissistic, freeloading and DAMAGED black man would even be interested in this harem arrangement.

Because undamaged men realize that the DECENT - and most societally healthy - thing to do is marry one woman, be monogamous with her, and successfully raise his children.

IMO these mammies you're describing are seriously ill. "Tongue lashing" BW for not being whores.

Whorish behavior does NOTHING to uplift community. Black or otherwise. It tears ALL communities DOWN.

Getting emotional needs met from women and not men? Excuse my language but WTF?

It sounds like these women are either closet lesbians or cult members or both.

There's nothing wrong with sharing an emotional bond with another woman. Friendships are great. BUT, women are NOT and never will be (or should be) "substitutes" for men to normal heterosexual women.

A friend is not the same as a husband.

And as far as Africa, it's one of the hardest hit continents when it comes to AIDS.

I would imagine (and hope) that one man one woman marriage is being promoted there for their own sake.

Those fools are living in LA LA LAND if they think the AA situation can be compared in any way to these other groups.

And just look at that sick situation concerning that Polygamist Mormon sect in Utah.

There was an example of white damage.

All of those women and children being abused. No one knowing who their daddy was. Mass DNA testing to determine paternity and lineage.

That is exactly what's going on in certain segments of the "community".

And there's NOTHING normal, natural, or good about it.

There's nothing what so ever healthy about that discourse. And from what you've described, those women sound like brain dead cult members.

Lemmings headed for the cliff.

Those members - at least the AA black women - sound suicidal.

And they ARE if they implement this "plan".

If you felt intimidated/uneasy expressing your opinion that is possibly a GOOD sign that this apparent "religious" group/cult is perhaps not right for you.

If you decide to stay, distance yourself from the suicidal segment and instead focus on the non AA members who are NOT drinking the kool-aid.

Separate yourself from the lemmings.

Also, IMO a legitimate (and healthy) religion/organization is one where you're not afraid to express your feelings and concerns. Especially if they would be of help.

From what you've described, those AA BW have a cultish, insecure, and mob mentality.

And if they indeed do have issues with black women in loving IR relationships with white (and other non-black men), they're RACIST to boot.

And NOTHING good can ever come from being involved in a racist organization. Religious or otherwise.

Racism is AGAINST Gods will.

And in my humble opinion, when we forget Gods will, God forgets us.

Peoples PERSONAL decisions regarding who to date, marry, and procreate with aren't ANYBODY else's business to begin with.

And the choice to date, marry, and procreate with white, and other non-black men isn't a topic "up for discussion".

Black women are not children after all but full fledged adults.

And adults don't let other adults tell them what to say, think or do.

It's painfully apparent that many black women need to start acting like the full fledged FREE adults they are.

Instead of retarded gullible and scared children.
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****Response # 2: From Fxycleopatra

On the Polygamy issue:

I am Nigerian and I can tell u that it DOES NOT WORK!!!! Polygamy ALWAYS leads to problems. Polygamy used to be very common but is becoming less and less common. most who are in poly marriages are very old ppl. The parts of Africa u see it beings practised most are the very muslim parts so mainly among the arabs and muslim africans. Christians do not practise this and as most pple in africa are christians, it is not as common a practise as some pple in the west would like to believe.

My mother came from a polygamous family. i think her father married 3 or 4 wives. One day (a few years ago) i was talking with my dad about polygamy and i said that sometimes everyone in the family is happy (bcos i had my moms family in mind). he then told me that every single polygamous family he knows always had ridiculous problems (and it was not too uncommon when he was growing up). i then asked that what of my mom's family, cos thy all seemed fine? he said that up to today (they are all adults with kids...some even have children who have married), they still have problems...and i can tell u that my mom's family is one of the better examples.

The following are a few of the numerous problems caused and why it will never work in an AA setting:

1. Most of the times, the men are very wealthy and are the breadwinners. In AA, it is the women who will be taking care of the men.

2. For the poorer ones, the father could never FULLY support the children so they usually would send just 1 or 2 of the numerous children (ALWAYS the two oldest sons)to school. In AA these dbr are not even able to support their children from one momma not to mention having several kids from each wife.

3. There are protections available. All The wives are regarded as legal so have equal rights. In the u.s. only the first wife is legal and has any marital rights. The rest are nothing other than babymommas.....whether they choose to admit it or not!

4. Polygamy is not prohibited or against the law.....yet (hopefully it will be banned when common sense kicks in). In the u.s., it is a crime punishable with jail. So both the man and the 2nd, 3rd, 4th....etc...wives will be punished. The wives will only excape prosecution if they didn't know he was already married but since this is a willing polygamous marriage, the subsequent wives are just as guilty.

5. There are ALWAYS fights, jealousy, bitterness, resentment etc. children of other wives are poisoned or harmed by other wives, there is gang mentality from children with the same mother against half-siblings.

6. A lot of the times, the husband ends up being poisoned if one wife believes that at that point she is his favourite (therefore favoured in his will)

7. Community is built by close-knit families. These families are never close. Also, the children never have close relationshps with their fathers.

These are just a few of the EVER SO NUMEROUS problems that arise.
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Thank You, Felica and Fxycleopatra. Y'all have made your case and it's a slam dunk!! Why should any bw share a man? She shouldn't and does NOT have to. It's simply a scam. It's also a case of these AAs 'seasoning their theories to meet their needs.' They're using polygamy/polygyny in Africa as their cultural 'cover' and to sell this bogus scheme to these unsuspecting women who romatically embrace anything African. These men and their mammies know how to sell this idea, and using 'Africa' is their strongest selling point. Have any of them gone to Africa, spent time there, and done any research to determine whether polygamy/polygyny is feasible here? I'd bet a ton of money that they haven't done ANY research.
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Here's what blogger, Pioneer ValleyWoman has to say:

This polygamy garbage has been going on for so long. Some black woman actually wrote some book about it that the Essence rag published. Haki Madhubuti, who has definitely been writing from a conscious black man's perspective wrote in 1990 (!!!) about what Evia has called the DBR syndrome. Talk about being a voice in the wilderness: Black Men, Single, Obsolete, Dangerous?

Page 97: "The male is on home plate and has women on first, second and third. This is, in reality, nickel and dime pimping and wh*ring that lonely and insecure women allow into their lives....responsibility to the real needs of these women and their children is not even part of the equation.

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PVW, thanks for citing and quoting from that book. People act as if I created DBRbm. LOL! Haki Madhubuti and many others have been writing about them for years. I read his book a few years after it came out. It's chilling, but true. So many AAs cling to magical thinking. SMH

Here's the real deal. Black women do NOT actually have a problem dating and marrying. This is a CONTRIVED problem, created and stuffed into AA women's heads to keep black women chained to the "AA community" and AA men. If YOU, as a bw, think that dating and marrying is a problem for you, this simply reflects that you've been indoctrinated. I've been pointing out repeatedly, ever since I started blogging that 'your life depends on your thinking and on the decisions' you make--moment by moment. Life is largely a mental experience. If you think a certain way, that usually becomes your reality. If you allow others to create and control what you think, they, in effect, control your life.

The reason I have continued and (actually I'm asked) to continue to post pictures of bw-wm or bw-nonbm couples on my blog is in order to SHOW that wm and various other men are in fact attracted to ALL types of bw. If you're walking around thinking that you're too dark, too fat, too tall, or your hair is not straight enough or whatever to be considered attractive to many men in the global village, it's because you've been spoonfed this poison by the "black community" in general and and AA men in particular. These days, it's mainly self-hating BLACK men who look at bw and say Ugh! And yes, it's reinforced by the media because people tend to look for reinforcement of their beliefs. Why is it that the media is not able to reinforce this in all AA women? It's because those women don't have that belief in the first place, so it can't be reinforced. When they see and hear garbage in the media, they know it's garbage and treat it as such. These women are selective about what they do watch and listen to. Another question is: Why would YOU **choose** to watch and listen to anything out there that makes you feel bad?

I realize that the media doesn't present black women as the 'fairest of them all,' but I realize that's due to POLITICS, power, and control. That does not mean that I and women who look like me are not among the fairest or not the 'fairest of them all.' I also know that many men who think for themselves also know that it's politics that causes black female beauty to be downplayed. After all, they see us with their own eyes! They see that we are actually just as desirable as other women. Yes, many wm and non self-hating men of color can actually see our beauty. So I consider myself to be among 'the fairest of them all' and that's how I've always presented myself to men.

I've been saying this for 2 years now. WAY too many of you AA women ALLOW self-hating, DBRbm to distort your reality, which some of them deliberately do in order to USE you (polygamy, etc.). STOP taking those men seriously. They've been badly damaged. They only look like they're normal or repair-able, but they're not. Many of them are like eggs that don't have yolks (this comparison was taken from the Haki Madhubiti's book cited above.) But since you can't see inside the egg, you think it's like every other 'normal' egg. An egg without a yolk is going to negatively distort the flavor of any food you put it in because the yolk is an important part of an egg's expected flavor. A hen can sit on an egg without a yolk forever and no chick will ever be hatched. So many AA women remind me of these hens who sit on yolkless eggs. That type of egg is 'damaged beyond repair.' As a matter of fact, I coined this DBR term after reading this black nationalist man'--Haki Madhubuti's--book.

I am NOT saying now and have NEVER said that **all** AA men are DBRs. That would be STUPID of me to say that because I presently know, know of, read about, have known some AA men with quality levels ranging from regular to incomparable, but that does not change the fact that many others of them at all socioeconomic levels ARE DBRs and they **actively** prey on AA women. Yes, I realize that in many cases, AA women invite these men to prey on them because these women have never learned HOW-TO and have actually NEVER even been told to vet black men; they don't know how to find out whether the man has a yolk. LOL! This is why you MUST vet ALL men. As a matter of fact, when men of this type men reject you, y'all should be HAPPY.

Many people get furious at me because I don't go into detail about WHY so many AA men are DBRs. There are probably tens of thousands of books, articles, etc. about this topic of what has created such large numbers of DBRbm. They're not the focus of this blog. Find that material and read it, if you want. Women who seek mates are not seeking a history lesson or one about present day social structures; they seek QUALITY mates in the here and now, and DBRs of any race or background are not in the ball park of Quality.

That's it. Think on this as you continue to dare to Live Well.